(Closed) Proposal Procrastination: My boyfriend of almost 4 years is dragging his feet

posted 4 years ago in Proposals
Post # 2
Member
429 posts
Helper bee

Marriage is a huge commitment. I would never push anyone to meet a deadline. The fact that he asked your dad for permission and that you are living together is a good sign that he wants a future with you. If it makes you feel any better, I had to wait almost 10 years for a proposal. Super long but didn’t bother me. I feel the more you push someone, the more it may scare them away.

Post # 4
Member
5916 posts
Bee Keeper

Oh sweetie ((((hugs)))) for me this isn’t about e-rings or proposals or deadlines, it’s about the way he talks to you! The things he says are not okay ๐Ÿ™  There seems to be a coldness to him despite any other good qualities he may have. He tells you you’re making him do something he doesn’t want to do and ‘marriage is the next big step in YOUR life not mine’ (my jaw dropped at that one), even if he apologizes afterward that can’t erase the damage. If he’s not ready to be married yet he needs to tell you honestly. Frankly I wouldn’t want to marry someone who treated me so coldly and talked to me like this. I know I used the word ‘cold’  already, but that’s how he comes across and it’s not just about money spent on a ring or pressure for a proposal- look at how he talked to you about getting a dog. His way or the highway, no compromise, he’s getting a dog and that’s that he doesn’t care what you think. I’m glad he’s agreed to counselling. It’s also unsettling that he does, as you say, contradict himself first saying you’re pressuring him and then saying you’d better not back out. Hopefully counselling can help both of you sort out what you want, but your post is worrying Bee, his demeaning attitude toward you seems to be generalized and not just in relation to getting engaged ๐Ÿ™

Post # 5
Member
150 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016 - The Burgundy Basin

By setting that timeline, you’re freaking him out a bit. You both obviously care for eachother but give him whatever time he needs to work it out in his head. For most guys it’s such a big and scary thing to have to do and who knows, he could have a perfect time planned out for the holidays and  your concerns about it could be making him upset because he feels like it should be a surprise for the time that he’s planned it out. Were you able to pick up the hint that he had asked your dad (without your mom telling you?) or that he had actually picked up the ring (without him telling you he’d need his money back?) he seems good at keeping secrets (including perhaps a surprise proposal) so please be patient with him and let him ask you in his own time. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 6
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

MermaidM25:  I think his feelings are very normal, even appropriate. Your Boyfriend or Best Friend has only been out of school for a little while and was probably not making great money for most of your relationship. Look at this from his point of view. Proposing on your timeline means:

– He does not get to decide when he’s truly ready for marriage

– He has to take a chunk of his “green” savings to buy you a piece of jewelry

– He has to be ready to spend even more of those savings on a party that will occur when you decide

That is a lot to ask of someone and they should get to decide when they are ready for it. He has told you he wants to marry you and you live together. Be honest about your motives here. Are you desperate to be married or are you desperate to start wedding planning and have a party? Do you think it will fix everything? You spent two years of your relationship sad and lonely and you blamed him for your unhappiness. I really understand how that happens, because I’ve done the same. You decided you needed to move back home. Okay, but it’s a little manipulative to use the move as a weapon, as part of an old ultimatum, since the move is about you. If he has told your mother he is designing a ring, leave him alone. You cannot control other people. That is hard to remember, but you can’t. If you are making someone do what they don’t want to do, your tactics are, at best, immature and, at worst, abusive. Trust me. It’s a huge defect of mine. Punishing your loved one for not meeting your demands will only damage your relationship. Enjoy your time with him. Value him. Let your proposal be a surprise.

  • This reply was modified 4 years ago by  Syzygy88.
Post # 7
Member
138 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

MermaidM25:  

I had a whole debate about “waiting for the proposal” in a different thread.

And that’s exactly what I was warning her will happen: nagging is not a good way to get the e-ring!

Instead of posting the same thing i posted under another thread, i just want to ask you couple of questions:

1. Why do you want to get married right now?

2. What is this engagement going to change?

3. are you sure you want to spend the rest of your life with him and only him?

4. Do you feel that if you guys just move in and live together and instead of nagging you just hint hint sometimes, as a quick reminder (there are ways to remind without scaring off)

 

I’m sure he wants to be your husband, but he doen’t feel this is the right time. If you love each pther this shouldn’t be a big issue

Post # 8
Member
10697 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

RobbieAndJuliahaha:  

I caught that as well & found it jarring, to say the least.

OP, the way your bf talks to you doesn’t set well with me either.

Post # 9
Member
894 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Do you want to marry someone you have to talk into it?  I wouldn’t.  The right guy is the guy who can’t wait to marry you.

Post # 10
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

If a man doesn’t know if he wants to marry you, that means he doesn’t. If you want to wait and see if he changes his mind, it’s up to you. But I’ve never understood timelines, ultimatums, etc. Either you guys want to get married or you don’t. It’s that simple.

Post # 11
Member
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I pretty much never say this because I hate when women put their life on hold for a man…..but be patient.

He took years to ask you out, you have to accept that caution is part of his personality. And he asked your father’s permission and got a ring made (That he did before getting a job is a huge sign of commitment) and he’s telling your mother about it and he’s going to counselling with you. Those are not the actions of a foot-dragger!

About the dog- look, sometimes in marriage we do things our spouse doesn’t approve of (innocent things, I’m not talking boundary crossing) but that doesn’t ruin a loving relationship. It’s important to know that while you should never disrespect your spouse, you don’t always have to listen to them.

I love strong women who know what they want, but unless you want to propose to him all you can do is give him the space to propose the way he wants. If you are prone to anxiety, realize your own personality is contributing to the stress, not just his inaction.

Post # 12
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Sorry, but this guy has told you he isn’t ready to marry you in so many different ways, it’s just not believable anymore that he’s “lashing out” and doesn’t mean it. You can push your doubts down now and continue on the path you’re on, but ask yourself: will you REALLY be happy marrying this man when you have all these negative things he’s said and done about marrying you rattling around in your head? I think you be signing yourself up for months/years of insecurity and confusion. Honestly, I think it sounds like this guy is 90% sure he’s not ready to marry you, but is too scared to take the steps necessary to push pause. So you might have to do it for him. And for yourself too, because who wants to be married to someone who doesn’t want to be married to you?

Post # 13
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I think that in mature, nuturing relationships both partners will discuss what they need and how they envision their life together in the upcoming years.  Two years into a relationship is a reasonable time to discuss marriage, as you did.  I think that anyone who views the progression of a relationship timeline like a death sentence for their freedom and individuality is immature and honestly, not committed to you or the relationship.  Most people have commitment issues, and marriage is a leap of faith and trust we all have to make.  Even the most cemented couples aren’t without problems and doubts.  But if marriage is important to you, then both people have to be on the same page.  In your situation, I think you had your answer before you moved and before the deadline was up.  Your boyfriend isn’t on the same timeline for marriage, and it sounds like he won’t be for quite some time. I think that you have already sacrificed too much time and emotional energy to him, at the sake of your own happiness. Marriage is important to you, you are ready to make the commitment, and NO ONE should fault you for wanting to move forward with your relationship.  You shouldn’t be required to stagnate in your relationship just to wait for someone who sounds like he will never be on the same page with you. You should end the relationship, focus on your goals, and concentrate on meeting someone whose views on marriage and relationships are alignment with your own.

Post # 14
Member
1150 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

It honestly sounds like you’re pressuring him.  This:

Then I asked him what I was making him do, he said: “marry you.”

Says everything ๐Ÿ™ Relax and give him a little more time.  You want this to come from him, right?

 

Also, if he’s worried about the money, there are a lot of lovely diamond alternatives that are much more affordable.  Are you willing to compromise on the ring?

Post # 15
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

“marriage is the next big step in YOUR life but not mine”  That sounds pretty self explanatory to me. 

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