(Closed) Proposal Procrastination: My boyfriend of almost 4 years is dragging his feet

posted 4 years ago in Proposals
Post # 16
Member
2924 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

He doesn’t want to marry you.  He has doubts about you being the one for him. Move out and move on with your life. 4 years is long enough. 

Post # 17
Member
1357 posts
Bumble bee

I moved across the country with my then boyfriend of two years, and it was two more years later that he proposed. But I never felt during those four years that I was ” waiting”. I never gave him a timeline. I never pressured him. We would look at rings, casually. It sounds like by giving him an idea of when you wanted to be engaged, and saying you didn’t wanna move again without a commitment, maybe was making him feel pressured??? I’m not sure what to tell you, except you BOTH need to be on the same page about marriage. I’ve been married for 17 years, ( together for 23) and dang marriage is HARD! Good luck!

Post # 18
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

You are miserable and with just cause. That should tell you all you need to know. He’s shown you six ways to Sunday that he’s not interested in, and indeed afraid of marriage. I will never be an advocate of waiting if it makes you unhappy and fills you with resentment. (Ok, I’m not an advocate of waiting at all unless you’re very young). Relationships tend to stagnate if they don’t move forward and this is why. 

Marry someone who wants to marry you, not someone you have to drag inch by inch to the altar. 

Post # 19
Member
1794 posts
Buzzing bee

After 4 years together he should know if he wants to marry you or not by now. He doesn’t want to marry you by show of his actions and his words- you’re only good enough for him right now. Money shouldn’t even be an issue but he’s pretending it is- a man who wants to marry you would propose with a string if he had to, he could always upgrade to a nicer “perfect” ring. I predict the next issue your man will have is how expensive weddings are and that’s another reason he postpones. When he argued about the dog and said you’re making him get married RED FLAG. You need to stop listening to others and listen to your heart, that man is checked out of the relationship and you need to move on with your life, you deserve better! He’s using you because the relationship is comfortable.

Post # 20
Member
1700 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

He doesn’t sound ready for marriage at all for me. And he doesn’t sound like he’s ready to be a good and equal partner. I think that the way he blew up at you about feeling pressured says it all: he’s not ready now, he won’t be ready in the next few years, and he is not ready to make a decision because he doesn’t want to marry you but doesn’t want to risk losing you. It sounds like these fights stem from wanting different things. 

Post # 21
Member
417 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016 - Vineyard & Winery

I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this, Bee.  In my own personal experience, I was with a man for 7 years…and he dragged his feet about marriage the whole time.  Same excuses about the money, buying a ring, etc.  He had a great job and we were financially stable.  It was quite obvious that he did not want to marry me by the end but was too cowardly to be honest.  So, I broke it off and was single for awhile before hitting the dating scene again.

I met an amazing man months later and he proposed SIX MONTHS after we met.  We both just knew at about one month in that we were meant for each other.  I never believed in that before but I sure do now!  Things have just gotten better and better each month and we’re both so excited about our upcoming wedding.

I tell you this not to make you feel bad or make you worry but to seriously think about your current situation and why you want to marry this guy.  Why are you still with him?  I stayed in my 7 year relationship b/c it was comfortable and I was scared to start from the bottom again after putting in so much time.  But you know what? It’s really okay to be honest with yourself and admit that your relationship didn’t work out.  Much better to do that now then when you’re already married!  Good luck with everything and if there’s one thing I learned from my own experience, it was don’t settle.

Post # 22
Member
2109 posts
Buzzing bee

He isn’t ready and he can’t make it any clearer to you.

This isn’t what he wants right now.

I know that sucks, because you are ready but you can’t change how he feels.

If marriage right now is that important to you, walk. If he does propose soon, you will know deep down its not what he wanted and that isn’t how you want to start a marriage.

Post # 23
Member
1353 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

MermaidM25:  Sounds like there is poison in your relationship. He probably does love you, and will eventually marry you, but a happy ending can not happen for you two. What he says in anger is very telling. Do not believe his back tracking, he has already shown you what he truly feels. What he said to you is a total deal breaker. The fact that he is “bitter” over the cost of your ring is unacceptable. You should both be in agreement on finances and he should be so excited to marry you that he’d spend his life savings on your ring without regret. You can not recover from his statements. At least not without breaking up, you moving out, and him truly understanding what HE wants (not what he thinks you are forcing him to do — he sounds like a pathetic man-child). 

What he has said to you (about the dog, marrying you, the ring) as well a his actions, are too much. Yes, you can stay with him and he will marry you. Yes, he will always resent you, and his feelings of bitterness will infect your marriage. Is that what you want?  My dh actually has a few friends who have straight-up admitted they did not want to marry their girlfriends, they simply proposed to prevent a break-up — sounds like your bf would fall into this category. I think it’s disgusting and these couples do not have solid relationships, imo, but they carry on and have kids and pretend everything is fine. I’m sure most of them will end up divorced eventually. 

It’s up to you. Stay, knowing he will always resent you and blame you (e.g., making unilateral decisions about the family pet because you “make” him do things), or have some self respect and leave him. Maybe he’ll come back to you and your relationship will function again, maybe you’ll find someone ten thousand times better. It should not be this hard. Move the fuck on. 

Post # 24
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017 - Combermere Abbey

I’m so sorry bee, I echo everyone else’s thoughts here when I say he said in so many ways that his heart is not into marrying you and he is only doing it because he loves you and it is what you want, but not what he wants. Many things he has said are huge red flags that cannot be ignored. He is wrongly associating marriage with losing his freedom. He is making you feel guilty about buying you a ring. He is not ready for marriage, and basically wants to keep his semi-bachelor life.

If he proposed to you now, you would know he was not doing it out of his own desires and wishes. I would want a man to propose to me because he is desperate to do so, and wants me in his life forever, not because he felt I made him do it.

Post # 25
Member
4252 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I have to agree that he won’t marry you.  Not to mention this doesn’t sound like a guy you really want to be with long term.  Sure he may have said for years that he wants to marry you but his actions speak volumes.  Especially the comment of him saying marriage is something you want but not something he wants…that’s him telling you how things really are.  I’m sure it hurts like hell, but that is information you need to take to heart.  I know it sucks feeling like you have to “start over” but it doesn’t sound like this man would make a good spouse anyway.  A relationship should not create this much resentment and sadness.

Post # 26
Member
4238 posts
Honey bee

 

I wouldn’t stay with a Boyfriend or Best Friend as you’ve described your Boyfriend or Best Friend. If my guy gave me those responses about the ring, the move, the money, the proposal timeline, the updated proposal timeline, and then the postponed proposal timeline, along with a deadline to get a return on a ring from a jeweler, I’d move along.

His putting his foot down about bringing a dog into his life (and your shared home) without your being on board with it? Yeah, that’s a big fat NO right there.

Hang in there; I know this has to hurt.

 

 

Post # 27
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

He may be the “right” guy, but this is the wrong time. That makes him not the right guy. 

I mean, he could have proposed with a twist tie and bought a nice ring afterwards. But he didn’t. He chose to go through a process of getting a ring designed the same way little kids are SO THIRSTY before bed then SO HUNGRY then REALLY NEED TO PEE then THIRSTY AGAIN… It’s a delay tactic.

Post # 28
Member
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

I personally think he’s just not ready for marraige right now. Guys definitely wants to feel secure in their career and finances before committing to spending so much money on a ring and wedding. I used to think it’s something we’re entitled to as a woman being proposed to by the man who loves us.. and after the fact I realized it’s crazy that he dropped over 5K on a piece of jewelry. That’s no small change!

Give him some space, and have a talk to see if he can see marraige when his finances are more in order? He’s probably feeling quite stressed and pressured which is why he is saying such rash things 🙁 

My now fiance was the one to always bring up marraige and I never was that interested in it, until 3 years later, I got wedding crazy and he ended up backing away and we broke up. It took some time, but we got back together, and he proposed when he felt more secure in our future together (it was related to his military career).

Take some space and re-evaluate would be my advice

Post # 30
Member
178 posts
Blushing bee

MermaidM25 :  You can really be proud of yourself. I’m so glad you’re happy and I think a lot of those girls waiting unhappily can learn from your story that it is not the end of the world.

Wish you the very best!

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