(Closed) Proposal that ruined everything…need advice

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Yeh, I went and picked out rings with my husband back then too, and he didn’t get exactly what I wanted, but he tried. I think you’re making much too big of a deal out of this, almost like you’re looking to be slighted. He bought you a ring, and he proposed. What more do you really need? Not to mention, I really don’t think he was the one who ruined the proposal, if it was truly ruined. My Brother-In-Law took his wife mountain biking up this really tough course on a really hot, muggy day, and she was complaining the whole time because, well, frankly it was miserable (the view once you get to the top is supposedly beautiful, and they are into working out so that’s why he thought it’d be a good idea to propose there). But the story is something they can laugh about together because he was TRYING to do a nice special surprise for someone he cares about, and she can appreciate that fact.

Finally, it’s only an engagement ring – not the end all, be all to your relationship. It’s not like you even have to wear it once you’re married. Just get a new ring for your wedding ring, and you can still buy a band to put on it if that makes you happier. We put a second “anniversary” band on from the get go, so you really can do whatever you want.

ETA: Yes, I know what it is like to be pregnant. I am 34 weeks as of this post.

Post # 4
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@brittany920: I’d have been more angry that he would rather me walk after I said I wasn’t feel good and miserable than anything else.  

I’ve been pregnant TWICE and I know how miserable it can be, especially with swollen feet/ankles.  The last guy who did something similiar I ignored for months afterward (of course, I was just ‘barely’ dating him, but I’d always had a crush on him and that kinda buried him 12 feet under hardened cement…)

If anything, question your relationship and how he treats you.

Other than that, he put enough thought into wanting to make it a romantic proposal, bought you a ring, and wanted it to be special.  That’s more than some girls get…..

Post # 5
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@brittany920:

Oh my. This has been a two year grudge? How do you feel about him normally? I think he was just frustrated that his plan didn’t work but also wasn’t sympathetic to the fact that you were pregnant and couldn’t walk on the beach at the moment.

Your second issue seems, well, odd? Did he buy the ring you really wanted?

remember that marriage and loving someone are not defined  by these two things: a proposal and a ring.

That’s why I hope your relationship is otherwise healthy and loving.

Do you have a right to be mad at him after 2 years? Poor guy probably thinks he can’t do anything right so just give him a kiss and plan your wedding.

ETA when he “threw” the ring at you…you had a choice. You could have hugged him said you were sorry but you really couldn’t walk and he, hopefully, could have softened up. But you chose to cry. I think he feels the proposal was ruined for him also. NOTE! I don’t blame you for crying but what happened after you cried?

Post # 6
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Not every proposal is picture perfect. It may upset you but if your relationship is good otherwise there is really no reason to harp on it. Build memories with other experiences together. Saying you think the ring is ugly is not very nice. He picked it out with you in mind. If you feel the real problem is he doesn’t care enough to give you the ring you want/ proposal you want AND it’s bothering you enough to hinder your excitement with wedding planning then I think you have deeper issues within the relationship.

Post # 7
Hostess
11166 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

@LuluLove: Agreed. Not every proposal is movie worthy, however him throwing a ring box at you is absolutely uncalled for. I am curious if there are any other issues similar to this with violent/agressive outburts?

Planning a wedding should be an exciting and hopeful time. Granted some women get far into more than others you should be happy none the less. Any reservations you have may be blamed on the ring or proposal but could very likely be issues you have with your Fiance.

 

Post # 8
Member
241 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Oh dear.

Two things.

1) You both had your hand in “ruining” the proposal. He was probably so antsy and excited that he just wanted to pop the question, and wasn’t very sensitive to how you were feeling. Give him credit for being excited, though.

2). Saying the ring is ugly and expecting him to completely do it over might be a bit much. You did cry and carry on, and instead of trying to like the ring he picked for you, are here on a public forum venting about how ugly it is- which I think is disrespectful, but I digress.

Try to let it go, and focus on the important part- you’re getting MARRIED, to the MAN you love. Everything else should pale in comparison.

Post # 9
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@Treejewel19: Good point about him throwing it. I want to know if he threw it agressively or tossed it in your general direction with a smile?

Post # 10
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@farmgirl2106:  There are poorly planned proposals and there are bad proposals.  Pretty much any scenario that involves the word “fine” and airborne jewelry falls into the latter category.

OP, I think you and your Fiance need to have some serious conversations about why you’re taking this step because, from the way you describe it, there are a lot of issues on both sides.  It sounds as though he’s feeling pressured and you’re feeling unloved, and that’s a recipe for resentment and disaster.

Post # 11
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@teaadntoast: I guess, but I could see my husband reacting like that if I was being bitchy when he was trying to do something special, especially if he was nervous because it’s a pretty big life step. We both have short tempers so I can see how someone might react like that in such a high stress scenario, and I doubt he clocked her in the face with the ring box. The whole story sounds like hyperbole to me.

Post # 12
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Treejewel19:

Good point. I’m wondering if it was a “throw” or more of a “here I don’t care” kind of hand over. If it was the latter then I think he was just upset that his excitement bubble about proposing was popped. If it was the former then it’s an issue of anger management.

Post # 13
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@farmgirl2106: I’m googling hyperbole!

Ok, I looked it up and totally agree! It’s like my saying “My husband didn’t do anything for my birthday because I wanted a tv and he got me a computer!”

Post # 14
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Wow. I feel like most of the posters here are being very harsh on you. I don’t think think you ruined the proposal. I think he did by his choice to go ahead with his plan, regardless of how you felt. I’ve heard plenty of stories of women accidentally screwing up their dude’s proposals – but you know, I’ve never heard of a single one of those men insisting on doing it their way and, when frustrated, throwing the ring box at her! All the dudes I’ve heard of found a different way, a different time to propose – and everything was great. 

So, including the ring saga, here’s how I understand you were (are) feeling: Like he didn’t care. I can see how he showed a lack of thoughfulness with the proposal (sure, he planned the proposal but he wasn’t accomodating at all when plans changed) and the ring (because you think he didn’t take the time to find you “THE ring”).

Now, I can’t say much for your relationship – there’s a lot left out of your story (how is the relationship in general? what happened during those two years after the original “proposal,” how does he feel about getting married now). But generally, I would say holding on to these feelings for two years is overreacting. As an overreactor myself, trust me, I get it. It’s hard to let go. But these are your feelings, not his. So learn to get over how you’re feeling and move on. Take a minute to see the big picture – what ways does he show you he does care about you? Think about his planning the proposal (he showed forethought!) and picking the ring (he tried to get you the best!) and realize some of the things he did are just him being man and not knowing any better (men do not naturally understand ring shopping).

I hope you can move past this and ENJOY your engagement and wedding. Best of luck!

Post # 15
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

@farmgirl2106:  Eh.  It could be.  But I’m going to give OP the benefit of the doubt. 

And I tend to think that the correct response to a situation like that is to, um, stick the box in your pocket and try again later?

Post # 16
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I’m going to preface this by saying that, no, I don’t know what it’s like to be pregnant, but I DO know what it’s like to have your emotions raging out of control.

That being said, I think your reaction to your Boyfriend or Best Friend trying to do something nice for you was WAY out of line. Yes, you hurt. Yes, you were miserable, but take a little responsibility. Saying your ring is just ugly is just plain rude. Be grateful for what you have.

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