Post # 1
I’ve noticed some white lies/fibs around proposals that seem to be unacknowledged and i’m not sure if i’m being crazy or not.
Its like women i know have been nagging their SO for a ring suddenly get the ring and its all “Oh my god it was such a surprise i had no idea!” Like i know you picked a massive fight with you SO over this last month, but no of course its a total surprise. See also “Oh i had no idea he was going to propose” and then it comes out later that she had already sent him pictures of rings she liked, so maybe not “no idea”
I’m obviously not talking about the idea that it was how he proposed that was the surprise, but rather that he proposed was the surprise. I am completely aware most mature couples have conversations about the next steps before taking them, so the idea of having no idea he was going to propose seems a little insincere in most cases.
I feel like theres so much pressure on women around this stuff anyway, and it seems pretty common that there is some shall we call it “discussion” before these “complete surprise engagements” so why are we doing this to each other? I feel like it must make the women who are waiting feel like there is something wrong with them for having to ask/have conversations about it, if other women get a proposal they had no idea was coming.
Did any Bees tell any similar fibs around your engagement, notice these wierd white lies or am i just getting bitter?
Post # 2
I’ve seen a lot of people claim the whole thing was a surprise when they went ring shopping together, then they back track and say ‘well I didn’t know he was going to propose that particular day‘.
I don’t really get it, its like women feel they have to pretend it was this big surprise because for some reason they think it is looked down on for being an equal part.
Post # 3
geekchicchick : my engagement to my ex fiancé WOULD have been a surprise but he ruined it because we were long distance at the time, we got into a fight (something weird, I think his Facebook relationship status disappeared and I was like… wth) and he said “well I guess I should just return the ring that I bought then!!!”
I had absolutely zero idea that he bought a ring until he threw it in my face. He proposed the next time he was back home and he acted weird that day so I knew it was probably coming
Had he not thrown it in my face, I would have been shocked that he had a ring.
Obviousy things did not work out, but I didn’t really share what happened before he proposed. I also can’t tell a lie to save my life, so I don’t think I talked about being surprised either
Post # 4
zzar45 : I proposed to my now husband because he’s not a romantic, and a proposal would probably be a lot for him to pull off and it really isn’t in his nature.
I bet people might look at it as me being a pushy, nagging person or whatever, because the man is “supposed” to do it. When really, it was me taking him as he is, unromantic and all
Post # 5
No, I did not pretend to be surprised about anything related to my SO’s proposal. Only two people in my life I knew I was waiting and frustrated; but even so, we had been together 11 years at that point, so I think it would have looked silly if I had acted like it was a surprise.
But I do think there is plenty of pressure to play up the proposal itself either as a surprise, or as otherwise thoughtful or special. I personally didn’t feel the pressure to act like I was surprised, but I still felt pressured to speak highly of the proposal each time we announced to someone and they asked me how he proposed. My SO didn’t really plan anything, and there wasn’t much of a story to tell beyond saying we used to sit on the bench where he proposed, so I felt compelled to play up the significance of the location and follow up the description with “it made sense for us.”
Not that I was disappointed in the proposal itself, but I guess I was concerned about letting on how disappointed I was about the whole pre-engagement; I thought those bad vibes would come through if I gave a lackluster description of the proposal. So for me it was about not looking like an ungrateful bitch for seeming disappointed. I suppose I also didn’t want to make my SO look bad in front of his friends and family.
So while I don’t personally understand the pressure to act like the engagement was a surprise, I do get the pressure around the proposal. Though I can’t think of anyone I know who acted like the engagement was a surprise.
Post # 6
geekchicchick : I know one couple where after they were married, the guy told me, in front of his now wife, that she had nagged him incessantly until he proposed. She just kind of shrugged her shoulders. She never told little white lies and claimed it was a surprise, but she did pretend that it happened naturally. I mean, I see what you’re saying that these white lies contribute to this culture and idea that women should not be involved in their future in the proposal/engagement process and that it should be a total surprise, but at the same time, I can understand why women are embarassed about how things came about. My response would always be that if you had to nag/beg/constantly fight for a proposal, then the man isn’t worth marrying, but I know others who disagree.
Post # 7
I think you are being too sensitive, and a little too judgy to assume that women are lying when they say they were surprised. Sure, “surprise” is likely a spectrum that ranges from “had no idea the man was even thinking about marriage”, to “had no idea the man was planning to propose on that day” to “suspected it was coming but was surprised how the ring looked or surprised by the sweet words he said”, etc.
In modern times, most couples do talk about getting married and many have at least some discussion about the ring. But those conversations can happen weeks or months before the actual proposal, and if the woman has other things on her mind (rather than obsessively expecting a proposal every minute of every day), then of course she can be surprised when it actually happens!
Edited to add: I know this is possible, because I was totally surprised by my proposal. Darling Husband and I had talked about getting married someday, and I had shared an example ring I liked. But that was in the winter, and throughout the spring I was totally focused on finishing my disseration, lining up a full-time job, and planning a post-graduation vacation. A poposal was absolutely not on my radar. (If I’d had to guess, I might have thought he would propose on our vacation the following summer, or maybe on our anniversary the following fall.) I was in no hurry, but Darling Husband apparently was! He had secretly bought the ring already, convinced me we should go hiking for his birthday, and then poposed on the “birthday” hike! It was completely unexpected, and I was delightfully surprised.
Post # 8
Maybe I’m weird but I super don’t get the big deal here? I think you’re hyper analyzing people’s words and choosing to interpret them for an agenda. I tell people I had no idea my husband was proposing, and I had NO idea he had purchased a ring or planned that event. Yes we had discussed getting married some day and I had sent him rings, but I genuinely didn’t know he had purchased a ring as I though his finances were not in order. So I’m a liar? This seems like such a silly thing to focus on
Post # 9
geekchicchick : Oh I totally noticed it. So, my proposal was not a surprise (my partner and I talked extensively about wanting to get married, ring stuff, timing, etc.) I knew it was going to be one of a few weekends, and great news! It was! And isn’t that a good thing for my relationship? We discussed the next step and then he followed through on his word.
However, when people went “oooh was it a surprise??” and I went “Not really, but I’m still thrilled!” people were SO deflated and had no idea how to react.
So yeah, I think people just try to avoid that and fit into the cultural narrative of a surprise proposal.
Post # 10
geekchicchick : haha. I often see responses around here where someone later claims *they* were the one who wanted to wait (years) to get married or claim they were *totally on board /happy* to wait ( and wait, and wait!) yet they have prior threads/ responses asking for tips or venting about their s.o. unwillingness to commit! Lol! Eh many people like (to try) to change history to suit their own egos/script, I factor that in when I hear their stories…no doubt people in their personal circles factor it in too….
Post # 11
I mean…. I was 100% surprised by my proposal and absolutely tell people I was because its the truth. We’d been ring shopping before too and it was very casual just to give my husband ideas on what I liked. We had also had talks about our future together in maybe a “Oh, having a spring wedding would be nice” like mature couples do.
I think there is some sort of middle ground with proposals though. There are the ones who know exactly when it’ll happen and planned it down to the T with their SO and still act suprised (like the point your trying to make) BUT there are people, like myself for example, who did the ring shopping and talking about plans and pestered my then fiance (not in a pressuring, timeline way just a joking way)and I kinda sorta knew it was coming but I also wasn’t 100% sure when or how and was absolutely authentically surprised and don’t feel like I lied and did the whole “Omg never saw it coming” act.
Post # 12
geekchicchick : You are SPOT ON with this.
The only people who legit have a completely suprise proposal are the people who are doing themselves a diservice because they never discussed major compatibility and life goals together before getting engaged. My cousin was suprised and she is a complete idiot who never even bothered to ask if he was ok with her raising their future kids in her religion. It is downright immature and irresponsible to not actually talk through getting engaged before you do so.
Doesn’t have to be crazy detailed ruin any excitment about it situation. But a simple hey can I get your consent that we are both ready for engagement before I fly off and do it?
Post # 13
I’ve noticed this too. I hate surprises so I’ve been very open to my friends about the entire process of choosing a ring. I cannot wrap my mind around the idea of someone else dropping thousands on a piece of jewelry that I may not completely love. My friends know I’m a control freak, so when I tell them that I don’t want a surprise, they expect just as much.
Post # 14
geekchicchick : we had extensively discussed getting married before we got engaged. I did get frustrated that he wouldn’t propose, I offered to propose, he said no. We didn’t set a timeline as such but we agreed that we’d leave it for some time and if I didn’t want to wait anymore I’d propose to him. If he said no, we’d have to discuss it and see where that left us. In my head I was going to propose about 18 months down the line and he surprised me a few months later by saying “let’s get a ring”, which I considered a proposal. I had absolutely no idea he’d be ready then as our previous talk a few months earlier gave me the impression he wasn’t going to be for a bit longer yet. So it was a complete surprise, yet we’d also discussed it at length. There can be some overlap in your statements.
However, I didn’t tell people it was complete surprise. Had someone asked if it was a surprise I’d have probably answered that it was but then clarified we’d discussed it before. The story of our proposal isn’t very romantic (it was actually more special than the story gives it credit for) so people got a bit awkward and would move on, thinking I was upset at the lack lustre proposal – which I wasn’t. I did tell fibs around our proposal story though, I tell people we agreed to go ring shopping and we agreed we were engaged. Which is the truth but after we’d bought the ring that evening and called our parents to tell them we were engaged, he got down on one knee and proposed in his underwear. I don’t tell many people that part, not because I’m embarrassed how it happened but people don’t need to think of us in our underwear.
Post # 15
i would say i was completely shocked by my proposal. my (now) husband and i had discussed getting married and our futures, as he was finishing grad school and was going to be moving for a job after he graduated, and i was planning to move with him. at the point we started discussing marriage, the impending move was roughly a year away, and i always sort of assumed he would propose shortly after we moved. instead, he proposed to me about nine months before we moved. i had no involvement in choosing the ring, nor had he asked me what types of rings i liked. so although i guess i knew we would be getting married one day, at the time it happened i was totally shocked and did not see it coming. so i think it is possible to have both.