Proposal White Lies?

posted 2 months ago in Proposals
Post # 31
189 posts
Blushing bee

I feel like I’ve noticed this too. My husband planned a surprise vacation and proposed on our anniversary. The vacation was a surprise, but I totally knew he’d propose on the trip once I found out about it. I was surprised that he had a ring at all, he had mentioned something in passing about me designing my own ring because I was so picky lol. So when he got down on one knee and opened the box I was pretty surprised. Unfortunately we were in mexico, and the ring was already a tad too small and my fingers were swollen so I wore it for a few hours but had to remove it LOL. When people asked I was honest that I was surprised about the trip and about the physical ring, but I knew the proposal was coming. i do think people were a bit “oh..” once I’d said that, but I didn’t care. 

Post # 32
275 posts
Helper bee

On the flipside…

My sister had discussed future getting married plans, but they hadn’t discussed timelines/detail. She accidentally saw the ring box when grabbing advil from his medicine cabinet. I suggested we go get manicures. She doesn’t get her nails done a lot so declined, she wanted her now FH to think she was completely surprised as he would be upset if the surprise was ruined.

Post # 33
248 posts
Helper bee

Yeah, I think I have a different definition of surprise than some of these people.  If you’ve had a serious conversation about wanting marriage (or in some cases months or years of fights and pleading) and/or gone ring shopping, I consider that the opposite of a surprise whether or not you knew the exact day it would occur. 

Post # 34
2556 posts
Sugar bee

My exH and I had talked about the engagement and also set a timeline and I dropped hints about what kind of ring I liked (we were together for 4 years and these things come up when everyone around you is getting married).

I was still surprised when he asked because just a few weeks prior he said that he wanted to go look at rings together.  He threw me off my game.

This around it was not a surprise other than when he popped the question.  I designed the ring and knew it would happen shortly after X date.  I did try to keep getting my nails done around that time and he asked on my off week.  Ha.

We also live in a world run by social media and people hire photographers to capture the moment.  It’s not surprising that people fake the surprise.  

Post # 35
2232 posts
Buzzing bee

geekchicchick :  your post does seem quite bitter. I understand that people making their engagements seem like a surprise could potentially make other waiting girls feel like somethings wrong with their relationship if they need to have a conversation—but comparing your relationship to someone else’s is step #1 to failure and unhappiness.

my SO and I had been discussing engagement and marriage for a while, but I was surprised at all the effort, time, and consideration he put into my proposal. I was also surprised at the timing—I hoped it was coming, but I wasn’t quite sure whether it’d happen on our vacation because we have a lot going on this summer. so there was an element of surprise there, and me saying that I was surprised doesn’t make me disingenuous.

maybe the people you’re talking to were surprised about an element of their proposal—even down to the emotions they felt at the time it was happening. also, making their partner feel like they did a good job in surprising them may also play into their reaction when telling others about it.

my only thought is that if you’re irritated by their reaction, you’re a little bitter about something else underneath your happiness for that person. there’s no reason to have *any* negative feelings surrounding someone else’s engagement (unless you’ve got a personal stake in one of the parties involved, of course). if you feel that way, maybe just don’t ask them about it at all so they don’t have to irritate you with their feigned surprise.

Post # 36
134 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Iowa

I picked out my ring but honestly figured he wouldn’t purchase it or propose for 6+ months at least! I actually ended up accidentally signing for my ring so I even knew he had it but then still thought it’d be months away. I told people I was suprised becasue I was! Yes I knew what my ring looked like and yes I knew a proposal was coming eventually (even without me picking out a ring and the signing mishap we had dicissed getting engaged by the end of 2019) but it came like 6 months sooner than I even thought it would So I was in fact suprised lol like many have said, suprised can mean different things/refer to different thing so people aren’t often actually lying about it intentionally, it’s more so how they viewed their proposal and how they see it.

with all that in mind though I always told people I picked out my ring and that I accidentally signed for it and pretended I didn’t know that’s what it was becasue I think it’s just apart of the proposal so im not intentionally leaving anything out to make it seem like it was a complete and utter surprise

Post # 37
421 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2020

I kind of get it though…

My proposal wasn’t a surprise. I knew the ring was ready and I was 95% sure he would propose on Christmas morning like he did (5% of me wasn’t sure if he managed to have someone pick it up before the store closed on Christmas eve lol).

I didn’t lie about it, but when people asked me if it was a surprise and I replied with “not really” or “I had a fair idea” they were kind of… disappointed? Like, they didn’t say anything to me but I could tell the proposal was no longer as exciting for them. So I can see why some ladies find it easier to just lie a little.

Post # 38
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

People can absolutely be surprised in the moment. It’s kind of like a surprise birthday party. It’s not like you are unaware your birthday is coming up & that people with likely celebrate with you in some manner (come on), but that the celebration would take THIS form & happen RIGHT NOW…. well, that might very well be surprising. 

Personally, I’m always dismayed when Bees come on here & have never had a discussion about their combined future with their SO. I’m always “what?!’…. how do two adults who are likely living together NOT have a whole lot of these discussions? It makes no sense. So cavalier that it’s almost unbelievable. I have low tolerance for letting others plan my life, so I simply communicate my thoughts, feelings and future plans  pretty freely. How else am I to know if we’re compatible?

Post # 39
301 posts
Helper bee

I think society expect women to need to be “surprised”.  I feel a little bitter about that too:  like it takes away our control over our destinies and jewelry choices, and forces us to “play dumb”, like we didn’t see the proposal unfolding in front if us.

Call me a bitter femimist, but I’d prefer to see the language we use change from “surprised” to “thrilled, and I knew it was going to happen; but here is how they made the proposal sweet, and surprisingly special”.


Post # 40
8261 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Well maybe l’m just an unromantic old bat but l can’t fathom why surprise in a proposal or any part of getting engaged  is a good thing. I never cease to be amazed at the women on these boards who seemingly happily abrogate all agency over their shared life.

La Sir Jasper, this is so sudden, please spare my blushes , l hardly know where to look …….


geekchicchick :  

Post # 42
827 posts
Busy bee

People ask me all the time, “Were you so surprised?!” When I tell them no, they don’t expect that and seem so off put. Sure, I was shocked it was ACTUALLY happening. But, I absolutely was not surprised. And I’m glad I wasn’t! Preparing for getting engaged was a huge blessing and I can’t imagine not being able to rationalize things as much as possible beforehand. It was so overwhelming still! 

Post # 43
817 posts
Busy bee

elderbee :  sassy411 :  @ sunburn (can’t tag on different page)

I find it interesting that the older Bees on the forum (myself included) are also the ones repeatedly saying “Bee, know you’re worth, you’re an equal in this relationship, don’t be content with outdated stereotypes that give you no voice over your own future” 

leztrythisagain :  that response doesn’t sound bitter at all -it’s perfect! 

Post # 44
69 posts
Worker bee

I see where you’re coming from but not in all cases. I dated my so for 7 years and he proposed a few days ago – I had absolutely no idea. He designed the ring himself and I definitely didn’t push him/present an ultimatum. As a couple, of course we discussed what we wanted in our future (to be married/kids) but I was truly surprised with the proposal. 

Post # 45
69 posts
Worker bee

sunburn :  eh, strong words! Can’t put everyone in the same bucket. I was with so for 7 years before he surprised me with an incredibly thoughtful proposal this month. No, I did not see it coming. I also did not help design it or go ring shopping with him.

Does not seem fair to have so much doubt over someone’s engagement and to go as far as to judge marriage duration as a result of how dramatic a proposal was lol.

In any case, I don’t see a reason to lie or exaggerate the truth…I would be happy to tell the story regardless of it being a surprise or not. Important thing here is that the engagement happened :)!

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