Proposal White Lies?

posted 3 months ago in Proposals
Post # 46
32 posts
  • Wedding: September 2019 - Brooklyn, NY

I think there is a difference between asking someone to propose and having conversations where say that you have found “the one” in each other. Prior to our proposal, my fiancé and I had already talked about how we wanted the same things, wanted to have kids with each other, etc. 

But nonetheles our proposal during a vacation abroad WAS still a surprise to me. Maybe you’d think, “Duh, you were taking a trip abroad,” but truthfully I was not expecting a proposal until after my fiancé met my dad at Thanksgiving (more than a month after we returned). So even though I knew a proposal was going to happen, I wasn’t thinking about it during the trip.

Post # 47
4053 posts
Honey bee

bliss1991 :  Congratulations! There are always outliers. I see over and over again, don’t get married before 25/30,  the marriage won’t last. Well I did and it has, for 33 years at least. I just read that people who drive luxury cars and impatient and rude drivers. Well, I haven’t had a ticket since I was 21 and I stopped for a family in a crosswalk and was rear-ended by a Hyundai who didnt see the need to stop. I’ve never given anyone the finger and I dont speed (much).  And I was dating my husband for 6 months before he proposed and I knew he was going to and I knew when. No surprise there.

Nobody else’s experience invalidates your own.

Post # 49
2419 posts
Buzzing bee

Interesting points about society needing/expecting women to want to be surprised. I blame the romantic comedies and tv show tropes.

we didn’t have a proposal. We had discussed the idea of getting married a few times (including what we thought we needed to do as a couple to move in that direction, like “we need to live together for at least a year first” ) and periodically revisited the topic.  Then one day we were having drinks in the hotel bar (on vacation), the topic came up, and we mutually decided we were ready.  Went ring shopping soon as we returned home.  Took several weeks to square away rings as we went custom, but once both rings arrived, we simply started wearing them and announced we were engaged.

i cannot fathom being surprised by a proposal… or not being allowed to have a voice and a vote in something so important in my life.  

diecliamer: I’m older than the average bee; I’m in my mid 40s and my spouse is early 50s.

Post # 50
1395 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

I have no problem if people want to act surprised about their proposal. I don’t know every minue detail of their lives and don’t need to. Maybe it was a lie or maybe it wasn’t-who cares as long as they are healthy and happy πŸ’πŸΌ‍♀️

And fwiw, I was surprised when he did it but wasn’t surprised that he did it.

Now my real issue is the people who are perpetually engaged but share a kid(s)/house and the partner is always leading them on with excuses as to why they aren’t married yet but have way bigger commitments to said partner. That’s another story for another day tho…

Post # 51
48 posts

This is interesting… so my SO and I discussed getting engaged openly. Therefore, when it happened I knew it was going to happen so whilst it wasn’t a surprise, it was still everything I could have hoped for.

However, when all my friends / family asked me if I knew, I just say I pretty much knew everything because that’s the truth! I definitely get a lot of funny looks and some judgement but do I really care? No! 

I’m proud to say that our engagement was a joint decision and by knowing it was coming, it meant that I was able to prepare myself, buy my SO a card and a gift so that I could also make him feel special that day.

Post # 52
229 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

my engagement was a surprise, not the actual getting engaged bit (I proposed to him, he looked at the ring pulled out another ring and proposed right back lol) but it was definitely a surprise to randomly see three strange men wedding tackles at my engagement (yes our private sun rise engagement some how ended up with streakers running past us for an early morning skinny dip lol)

Post # 53
306 posts
Helper bee

Lmao just chiming in to say the end of your story is hilarious and also I proposed to my husband and he pulled out my ring and proposed right back too. Lol!! sept20 :  

Post # 54
1963 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Pearson Convention Centre

We didn’t go ring shopping together and the only thing we ever discussed about getting engaged was that I wanted to have graduated from college, before he proposed.

Post # 55
731 posts
Busy bee

geekchicchick :  

Hmm. I’m in two minds about this. I think on the one hand, there is more social status attached to being proposed to “by surprise,” since those are the fairytales we little girls all grew up with. I think a lot of women feel enormous pressure to live up to this. I don’t think it’s necessarily that we are “doing this to each other.” I think a lot of women might be legitimately concerned that if they are honest and open about the road that they travelled to get to that commitment, that they and their relationship might be judged, and judged harshly. Which, let’s face it, is often the case.

I also think that if you are talking about “social media worthy” proposals, there is a certain element of privacy involved. I think a lot of people don’t necessarily want to share with acquaintances or even friends the fights they had with their SO about getting engaged, so it becomes easier to say “Oh my goodness! He proposed! I’m speechless” and make it sound like a big surprise.

For me, the salient point is always to remember that no one really knows what goes on in a relationship besides the couple themselves, and we should avoid romanticising someone else’s relationship just because it’s portrayed in a particular way.

Post # 56
688 posts
Busy bee

This post cracks me up.  It’s still so freaking deeply surprising. Standing there while it’s happening. I knew he was going to propose “before valentine’s day,” 

so I had a window. I knew about the ring, since we designed it together. 

I still didn’t know WHILE HE WAS PROPOSING (πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚) that it was really happening. 

It doesn’t make it a “white lie,” just because it may seem to an outside person like it doesn’t quite add up. 

Trying to describe how one feels inside when a proposal happens often brings the word “surprise” into the conversation. There’s such a vulnerable feeling of wonder. It’s an enormous, life changing moment, no matter how small or casual or big the actual proposal is. 

Yeah, surprise is an inadequate word. But do we need police someone else’s description of their own engagement, and decide for ourselves that they’re telling white lies ? πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ 

Post # 57
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

OP, I hear you.  I don’t think you are being judgmental, I think you are calling out the truth.


Post # 58
754 posts
Busy bee


I know what you mean. It’s one of my pet peeves.

I wish we could live in a world where there was no peer pressure required for engagements. I had one of those (marriage dissolved), and it just never felt sincere/genuine.

But in my case, I did not do the pressuring, it was my family. I was just a silent sacrifice, and I wish I wasn’t like that. Had I spoken up back then, I wouldn’t need to be fighting now, getting wringed through the court system.

Post # 59
1260 posts
Bumble bee

The thing is when you tell people you’re engaged, they (usually women) immediately ask “did you know it was going to happen?? Was it a surprise??” It’s like well, we talked about getting married and we picked out a ring, so….yea I knew. But the actual day of? No I didn’t know beforehand. But you don’t want to be a bore (or a smartarse) so you just say yes it was a surprise I didn’t know he was going to do it THAT DAY. 


Post # 60
33 posts

no offense but why does that get under your skin OP?  Any proposal is a surprise of some sort in my opinion unless the the future bride is literally like “ok you are going to get down on one knee in 5 minutes, by the flowers in the garden.”  

Just my opinion.  Maybe lets be less critical and give the newly engaged ladies a break!

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