(Closed) Propose or not? That is the question! **nEeD HELP**

posted 4 years ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
3855 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I am not traditional in the least, so take my opinion as you will.  I am a grown ass, independent woman.  If my partner felt like he couldn’t marry me until he got permission from my dad I would be PIISSED. I am not anyone’s property.  I am not chattel.  The decision to get married should be made by the 2 people in the relationship and they should both be contributing to that decision.  

As far as savings goes, do you know what kind of savings your SO has?  If she is going to be your life partner, shouldn’t you be saving toward those goals together?  It sound like your traditional leanings are making you forget that there is an entire other person involved in your relationship and things should be a team effort. 

I would save a reasonable amount for a ring, and even ask her input! Then I would propose and start working toward future goals together.  You are not an island, stop thinking you need to be one, this isn’t 1950.  You SO sounds lucky to have such a marriage minded guy, but I think she needs to be part of the process too!  

Post # 3
Member
26 posts
Newbee

Read any of the waiting threads here. They’ll all say the same thing – “I’ve told him countless times it’s not the ring – it’s the commitment behind it that matters. But he keeps telling me he wants to do it the ‘proper’ way. I can’t help but feel I’m being strung along”. Honestly, if you love this girl and see a future with her and she (not her family!) loves you too and wants to marry you the go for it! You both might decide that before you get married you want to do certain things and in order to do so will have a long engagement and this fine, or you might get married straight away and do the rest later – also fine. But don’t go putting off something you both want because society makes you think you should do it a certain way. 

Post # 4
Member
723 posts
Busy bee

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groom2be86 :  Does your Girlfriend work? Why do you need to save for a down payment? If you saved for it together then perhaps it would speed the process up a bit, and as your Girlfriend isn’t traditional maybe she would prefer for it to be something you work on together. 

Post # 8
Member
224 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

If it’s just you thinking this, then you need to talk to her.  Come up with what BOTH of you want to do.  You may have to compromise on things such as how much you will have in the bank before you propose.  Tell her your concerns and she will either tell you that your concerns are rational or she will make you realize that saving for a house together is a much better plan and that you don’t need to do it by yourself. 

Post # 9
Member
2761 posts
Sugar bee

I think you should talk to her! Let her know where you are at and set a realisitc budget for a ring and a timeline in which you’d like to get engaged and married together. It sounds like she is expecting it soon, and if you’re not there yet, you should really talk about it before resentment starts to build. If you guys are late 20s/early 30s (guessing from what I’m thinking is a birth year in your username), she and her family might also be getting concerned about starting to have kids soon. Ladies don’t have forever to have kids, and weddings take time to plan (if you want a traditional wedding). 

Also, you say that you’ve spent your time traveling and not saving, but you’ve been with her for 2 years — have you been saving during that time? Even if not — most women don’t expect a fancy ring. And you can always propose with something simple – a plain band, an inexpensive gemstone – and then upgrade the ring later or choose one together later. It’s NOT about the ring. You can save for a downpayment later, and you can do it together. Hell, your parents might even decide to give you money toward a downpayment as a wedding gift. I’d worry about that once you’ve made plans to marry. Besides – there’s nothing wrong with renting or starting a family in an apartment. Most people throughout the world and throuhgout time haven’t owned property before starting a family – if ever – and they’ve been fine. Unless you know you’ll meet your ideal goals within a set and fairly short amount of time (e.g. six months) I wouldn’t put off asking the woman of your dreams to marry you if you’re ready now. There will never be a perfect time, and it’s silly to let your own ideas of where you “should” be hold you back from moving things forward. 

Post # 10
Member
1552 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

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groom2be86 :  This:

“If you’re waiting until you can “afford” the next step in life, you’ll be stuck at the bottom of the staircase forever.” from link below-

Great article to read:

http://www.theblaze.com/contributions/matt-walsh-we-couldnt-afford-to-have-kids/

 

Also, I am a grown ass, very independent woman. However, if you DIDN’T get permission from my father, I would be PISSED. Why… because I know this means a lot to my father. 

My DH got permission from my father, I love him even more for it. 

You need to know what your girlfriend would want, not anyone else. 😉 

Post # 11
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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groom2be86 :  I understand where you are coming from, and my Fiance had similar beliefs/morals. But…I honestly didn’t care. I wanted to get married, and I wanted to marry him. I’d been dragged around by my ex for over a decade, and regardless of whatever “reasons,” I was given, I felt like he was just putting me off. My advice is to have enough cash for a ring, nothing fancy, and propose. Work on paying off whatever debt you can, but you can work on that together.

Post # 12
Member
1478 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

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BrideK2Wings :  Agree. It’s like, thee is always a reason. OP, what happens if you have a major financial setback? This just delays getting engaged farther because you haven’t saved,, $70K (and by the sounds of it, you have no savngs now)?

Post # 13
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

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groom2be86 :  ok you might want to asked dad out of respect but check with her before you do. I really would have hated it for my husband to ask my dad anything about our relationship. Take her lead on that one.

My husband felt he needed his ducks in a row before we married. He thought he needed to make sure he could provide for me, save for a house, maybe in case I said no? But also, when you’re married you’re meant to just be an adult right? So you need all the adult things (bar kids in some cases) in place. You need to be done with education, have a home, a forever home, be debt free, be settled in your career, blah blah blah. But why? Why can’t you continue to grow once you’re married? Are you not promising to love each other in sickness and health, rich and poor, better or worse? So why does it need to be perfect before marriage if we’re signing up to love each other regardless?

In the end my husband proposed when we had no savings, we hadn’t bought our house, he hadn’t finished his studies, we weren’t settled in our careers. He proposed when he did because he decided that those reasons weren’t valid enough to stop him marrying me because he wanted to. Out of the blue he told me we should buy a ring, so we did that day and were engaged. We’ve got our ducks a bit more in a row now but it wasn’t necessary for us to get engaged. I loved him without the stuff and I’ll continue to love him if our ducks fall out of line.

So the question you need to answer is – do you want to marry her? If the answer is someday, then you’re not quite ready and hold off until you’re ready. That’s a perfectly valid answer and reason to wait. If marrying her tomorrow in a grotty car park makes more sense than breathing, then don’t wait, ask. 

ETA: you can obviously get married wherever. The grotty car park was just to emphasise the idea of being married to her. 

The topic ‘Propose or not? That is the question! **nEeD HELP**’ is closed to new replies.

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