Post # 1
I’ve been having an internal battle with myself for the last few months. I’ve been dating my beautiful/intelligent girlfriend for about 2 years now, it was literally love at first sight and I knew she was the one not much time after that.
I’ve personally never thought I would want to settle down and get married, have kids etc till a little later on in my life, so I’ve worked hard, traveled the world and enjoyed life while spending all the money I made at the same time lol. Now I’ve met the girl of my dreams and all I can think about is wanting to marry her and start a family.
Problem is I am a very traditional mindset when it comes marriage and I feel the need to have my life in order (financially) before I propose to this amazing woman. I feel that I need to have a down payment on a house, money in the bank and cash for a beautiful ring before I am able to approach her father to ask for her hand in marriage (to clarify I’m not in major debt or anything of that sort).
My girlfriend and her family on the other hand are not as traditional, and I think they are expecting it soon. My girlfriend has told me that she doesn’t need a huge ring, doesn’t want anything fancy.
But I can’t stop myself from feeling the need to have all these things before I can ask but I’m also don’t want her to think I don’t want her to think that I’m second guessing myself, etc.
Any feedback would be greatly appricate it, I’m sure this is not an isolated issue!
Post # 2
I am not traditional in the least, so take my opinion as you will. I am a grown ass, independent woman. If my partner felt like he couldn’t marry me until he got permission from my dad I would be PIISSED. I am not anyone’s property. I am not chattel. The decision to get married should be made by the 2 people in the relationship and they should both be contributing to that decision.
As far as savings goes, do you know what kind of savings your SO has? If she is going to be your life partner, shouldn’t you be saving toward those goals together? It sound like your traditional leanings are making you forget that there is an entire other person involved in your relationship and things should be a team effort.
I would save a reasonable amount for a ring, and even ask her input! Then I would propose and start working toward future goals together. You are not an island, stop thinking you need to be one, this isn’t 1950. You SO sounds lucky to have such a marriage minded guy, but I think she needs to be part of the process too!
Post # 3
Read any of the waiting threads here. They’ll all say the same thing – “I’ve told him countless times it’s not the ring – it’s the commitment behind it that matters. But he keeps telling me he wants to do it the ‘proper’ way. I can’t help but feel I’m being strung along”. Honestly, if you love this girl and see a future with her and she (not her family!) loves you too and wants to marry you the go for it! You both might decide that before you get married you want to do certain things and in order to do so will have a long engagement and this fine, or you might get married straight away and do the rest later – also fine. But don’t go putting off something you both want because society makes you think you should do it a certain way.
Post # 4
Does your Girlfriend work? Why do you
need to save for a down payment? If you saved for it together then perhaps it would speed the process up a bit, and as your Girlfriend isn’t traditional maybe she would prefer for it to be something you work on together.
Post # 5
thanks for your reply… I guess I would like to clarify that I don’t feel that I need to support my SO, she works and is very independent, one of the many reasons why I love her!
Asking her Dad is more just tradition not anything more, just a respect thing.
I think this is a me thing more then anything, maybe a little nervousness, mixed with wanting the best for her etc
Post # 6
thank you for your reply.
Very good points, the fact is that I don’t think her family would be the problem, they are very supportive of us. I think it’s just me!
Post # 7
she does work and is extremely independent, one of the many reasons why I love her! Not that I think i should have to save the downpayment myself but I know she has a bit of savings and I feel like a goof for not having much myself.
Post # 8
If it’s just you thinking this, then you need to talk to her. Come up with what BOTH of you want to do. You may have to compromise on things such as how much you will have in the bank before you propose. Tell her your concerns and she will either tell you that your concerns are rational or she will make you realize that saving for a house together is a much better plan and that you don’t need to do it by yourself.
Post # 9
I think you should talk to her! Let her know where you are at and set a realisitc budget for a ring and a timeline in which you’d like to get engaged and married together. It sounds like she is expecting it soon, and if you’re not there yet, you should really talk about it before resentment starts to build. If you guys are late 20s/early 30s (guessing from what I’m thinking is a birth year in your username), she and her family might also be getting concerned about starting to have kids soon. Ladies don’t have forever to have kids, and weddings take time to plan (if you want a traditional wedding).
Also, you say that you’ve spent your time traveling and not saving, but you’ve been with her for 2 years — have you been saving during that time? Even if not — most women don’t expect a fancy ring. And you can always propose with something simple – a plain band, an inexpensive gemstone – and then upgrade the ring later or choose one together later. It’s NOT about the ring. You can save for a downpayment later, and you can do it together. Hell, your parents might even decide to give you money toward a downpayment as a wedding gift. I’d worry about that once you’ve made plans to marry. Besides – there’s nothing wrong with renting or starting a family in an apartment. Most people throughout the world and throuhgout time haven’t owned property before starting a family – if ever – and they’ve been fine. Unless you know you’ll meet your ideal goals within a set and fairly short amount of time (e.g. six months) I wouldn’t put off asking the woman of your dreams to marry you if you’re ready now. There will never be a perfect time, and it’s silly to let your own ideas of where you “should” be hold you back from moving things forward.
Post # 10
“If you’re waiting until you can “afford” the next step in life, you’ll be stuck at the bottom of the staircase forever.” from link below-
Great article to read:
Also, I am a grown ass, very independent woman. However, if you DIDN’T get permission from my father, I would be PISSED. Why… because I know this means a lot to my father.
My DH got permission from my father, I love him even more for it.
You need to know what your girlfriend would want, not anyone else. 😉
Post # 11
I understand where you are coming from, and my Fiance had similar beliefs/morals. But…I honestly didn’t care. I wanted to get married, and I wanted to marry him. I’d been dragged around by my ex for over a decade, and regardless of whatever “reasons,” I was given, I felt like he was just putting me off. My advice is to have enough cash for a ring, nothing fancy, and propose. Work on paying off whatever debt you can, but you can work on that together.
Post # 12
Agree. It’s like, thee is always a reason. OP, what happens if you have a major financial setback? This just delays getting engaged farther because you haven’t saved,, $70K (and by the sounds of it, you have no savngs now)?
Post # 13
ok you might want to asked dad out of respect but check with her before you do. I really would have hated it for my husband to ask my dad anything about our relationship. Take her lead on that one.
My husband felt he needed his ducks in a row before we married. He thought he needed to make sure he could provide for me, save for a house, maybe in case I said no? But also, when you’re married you’re meant to just be an adult right? So you need all the adult things (bar kids in some cases) in place. You need to be done with education, have a home, a forever home, be debt free, be settled in your career, blah blah blah. But why? Why can’t you continue to grow once you’re married? Are you not promising to love each other in sickness and health, rich and poor, better or worse? So why does it need to be perfect before marriage if we’re signing up to love each other regardless?
In the end my husband proposed when we had no savings, we hadn’t bought our house, he hadn’t finished his studies, we weren’t settled in our careers. He proposed when he did because he decided that those reasons weren’t valid enough to stop him marrying me because he wanted to. Out of the blue he told me we should buy a ring, so we did that day and were engaged. We’ve got our ducks a bit more in a row now but it wasn’t necessary for us to get engaged. I loved him without the stuff and I’ll continue to love him if our ducks fall out of line.
So the question you need to answer is – do you want to marry her? If the answer is someday, then you’re not quite ready and hold off until you’re ready. That’s a perfectly valid answer and reason to wait. If marrying her tomorrow in a grotty car park makes more sense than breathing, then don’t wait, ask.
ETA: you can obviously get married wherever. The grotty car park was just to emphasise the idea of being married to her.
Post # 14
I agree I’ve always thought that asking a girls father for her hand in marriage is a very respectful thing to do. It creates that bond between the man and the father and I’m sure my girlfriend would appreciate it to!
Post # 15
haha thanks for the reply… love the car park idea 😉
i know the answer, she is the one I want to marry and I guess I just needed a little push in the right direction 🙂