Propose or not? That is the question! **nEeD HELP**

posted 3 years ago in Engagement
Post # 16
Member
34 posts
Newbee

Do not wait any longer or you may risk losing her! Build a life together. Two people can always accomplish more than one. 🙂 good luck!

Post # 17
Member
335 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

groom2be86 :  Make sure you know how SHE feels about this tradition.  If my husband had asked my dad for permission or his blessing before he proposed to me, I would have known for sure that this is not the guy to marry and both Dad and I would have said hell no.  Fortunately, my husband knew me well enough not to even try to pull that shit.  I knew we were engaged before my parents did, which is how I wanted it.

Post # 18
Member
36 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: May 2018

groom2be86 :  I love the sentiment you have (noble), but I never quite understood this. I would much rather get married and work with my partner on all of our goals together (buying a house, etc) than for him to wait to marry me until he does all of those things on his own. The latter takes much longer and for what? You end up with all of the same stuff in the end, but just a shorter marriage. I would rather have the 60 year marriage. I say if she’s the one and you know it, just propose! My ring cost less than 1k, we don’t have a house, we’re probably eloping due to lack of funds, and I couldn’t be happier– I’m engaged to the man I love! laughing

Post # 19
Member
6272 posts
Bee Keeper

Agree with those asking about the ‘asking dad’ thing. Does she have a mum too? Are you sure you know how your girlfriend feels about treated like property in a patrichal construct?  There’s a difference between maybe meeting her parents in secret and telling them about your plans and asking for their blessing, compared to asking for her fathers permission to ‘take her hand’. 

You know your girlfriend but it’s worth giving some thought to. 

Re getting your affairs in order, I get this, I’ve seen it with lots of my male friends. It sounds like you and your Girlfriend are on the same page. Have you spoken about rough timelines and what your plans together might be?  

When you’re ready come back here and us bees will help you to find you a gorgeous ring in your budget! 🙂

Post # 20
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

I would say wait a little but not forever. I think 6- 8 months should give you time to come up with money for a ring and “prepare yourself”. I think it honestly hurts when a woman has to wait too long. In my first serious relationship my boyfriend and I were together for 6 years and no ring. Needless to say I moved on and it hurt me a lot. After a while though it just feels like this person doesnt care. It is never going to be the exact right time.  My fiance proposed after 4 years. It was still a while but it seemed like it was better with things moving along. We are looking into buying a house after the wedding is over. I think if you love this girl propose soon or risk not having her forever. Love is important and commitment not the size of the ring. I would say though at least purchase an average/decent ring. Something gold if possible. It doesn’t have to be like 2 carats though or anything crazy. Mine was just under a carat and I was very happy. My moms ring is 1/2 carat and still is beautiful. It sounds like you care for this woman so I would go for it soon!

Post # 21
Member
105 posts
Blushing bee

First – about asking the father: just make sure your girlfriend is cool with it. You’ll see from previous posters that some women HATE the idea of their SO asking their father for permission. Seriously the important thing is what your girlfriend thinks about that tradition. For example, I have a great relationship with my dad, he’s 82 and Catholic so old school. My SO knows it’s important to *me* to ask my father. Whereas my best friend grew up basically hating her dad, so while they are cordial with eachother, she didn’t have him walk her down the aisle and she would have been confused and hurt if her SO had asked permission. So just ignore tradition and take her lead.

I’m the opposite: I have spent years paying student loans and so I don’t have a ton of savings in the bank. I don’t have any debt and I can afford my apartment and all my expenses and vacations here and there, but overall my lifestyle is modest and I don’t put a ton away each month. My SO’s salary is a lot more than mine, plus he has a consulting gig, he didn’t have student loans so he saves a ton and has a ton in 401k, almost owns his townhouse outright…. sometimes it worries *ME* that he will think I’m fiscally irresponsible or resent that he has more savings/assets. Even though he’s never ever ever insinuated anything along those lines, I can’t help but feel like I’m not contributing an equal amount 🙁 

So my point is: she might like the idea that you guys build & save together, so don’t worry! Some women like to be on equal footing rather than being “taken care of” so to speak. If she’s told you the priority is being engaged/married and NOT the ring or financial status, I’d listen. It sucks to wait and think that he’s just biding his time, ya know? Girls get crazy at this stage. 

 

Post # 25
Member
10031 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I totally recommend you go back and read some posts in the “waiting” section of this website so you can get a feeling for what your girlfriend might be feeling.

Post # 26
Member
6272 posts
Bee Keeper

groom2be86 :  not at all. It does indeed seem like you absolutely hold her in high regard. I think we’d just want you to double check the old meanings behind your good intentions to make sure it’s relevant to your girlfriend. 

Do you guys talk about these things?  Have you discussed plans together and timelines? She might be hoping you’ll ask?! 

Post # 29
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

groom2be86 :  On asking dad. I had no opinion, my Darling Husband felt it was respectful and thus did so. My dad would have been fine either way. However, you have to be prepaed for his response. If he says, “yes, but…” or “no”…are you prepared for that? It will lose its respectfulness if he says either and you don’t abide. My very even tempered Dad would be pissed and potentially consider it unforgivable if he was asked for my hand and then gave a conditional response that was ignored. 

Sometimes, asking mom or sister to see what she thinks dad might say (and maybe lay some groundwork) can be useful. 

Post # 30
Member
2468 posts
Buzzing bee

Defintiely find out how your Girlfriend feels about the whole “ask the father’s permission/blessing” thing.  I’d say on the weddingbee forums, about 50% of the bees like the idea and the other 50% hate it.  

For me, it would actually be a dealbreaker if my SO asked my father’s permission/blessing before proposing.  Fortunately, my SO is on the same page as me. . .  

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