Post # 1
This is the first board I have ever posted to so please bear with me. I am driving myself insane and I need some assistance. My FH proposed to me back in June 2010. I will admit firsthand that I had previously broken up with him and moved out before this proposal. It was sort of cute how he did it he wrote it on a peice of napkin while at a restaurant “Will you marry me check Yes or No”. I told him before I can answer I really need to know that this is what he really wants and not because I had moved out. He continued to reassure me that this is what he wanted and he is ready to make a future with me. Everything seemed fine and 2 months later I let my expectations get the best of me so during a arguement I admitted that I was disappointed that I do not have a ring yet. His explanation was the fact that he had to pay rent alone now that I had moved out. So I moved back in and it has now been 6 months back in and still yet no ring.
My biggest concern is that everytime I bring up on setting a date for the wedding, I continue to get vague responses. He also complains about the cost despite the fact that he will not be paying for the wedding at all. Everytime I ask for a date to be set I either get nothing or he makes a weird excuse like “I think that falls on my nephews birthday”. I am getting really frustrated so I want to know if I talk to him on Monday (I dont want to ruin super bowl weekend for him with wedding talk or a possible arguement). I am worried that I will not get the truth out of him or help with picking a date. I am worried that he will tell me what I need to hear in fears that I will leave again which is true because I dont like being played for a fool. Marriage is a serious thing and for someone to hold onto someone with something like that is pretty selfish and horrible. I really love him and I do see spending the rest of my life with him. I just want to make sure he has good intentions behind it. Any help or suggestions or insight? I am just worried because time is running out and many venues are booked and if we plan to do this local instead of abroad we have to should had sent out invites already if we plan to marry during the summer.
Post # 3
Your poll question isn’t really a “yes or no” question, just letting you know. I clicked no, as in “no he’s not serious about marrying you”.
I would do as you said, sit him down on Monday and have a real serious talk about setting a date. Line out your reasons for him just like you did here. If he’s still wary to set a date or make any solid plans, that’s a red flag in my opinion.
Post # 4
No he is not serious and yes he did it to keep you hanging on. Sorry your poll didn’t give me the option to vote properly.
I understand not being able to afford a ring, but the fact that he proposed and now has made no effort to actually get married (set a date) just seems to me that he is still not sure.
Post # 5
Your poll isn’t worded correctly. I think that 1. you need to have a concrete discussion about the when and the why of marriage for you guys. Nail down a real timeline. Budget out what needs to be saved for the ring. If he can’t give you real answers or he refuses to give dates or budget, then yes, he proposed to keep you hanging on.
Post # 6
we took 6 months to set our date, but that was because 1) we were thinking about moving to a new city and 2) there’s a religious conversion involved and we had to gather info about that timeline.
the ring thing is whack. you can get a gorgeous gemstone ring for $100 or less. also, his responses about the date are super sketchy.
there are some red flags in your post, but we obviously don’t know the whole story. did you pressure him to propose – was an ultimatum part of why you moved out?
you two need to have a long, serious talk. be completely honest with each other. ask him why he’s hesistant to move forward with the engagement. i think you would benefit greatly from some couple’s counseling.
Post # 7
you should talk to him but it’s time to move on. It seems like he likes you, but I the reason he stays with you is because it’s too much work finding someone else more than he wants to fulfill his promises to you.
Post # 8
was commitment one of the reasons you left in the first place? if so, it sounds like he hasn’t really changed.
Post # 9
I find questions like this hard to answer because ultimately only you know the intricacies of your relationship. I think the key is open and honest communication. I would let him know how the answers to your questions about setting a date are making you feel. Men can be hard to read so I’d hate to jump to conclusions that he doesn’t want to marry you. In my opinion talking to each other is the best way to get on the same page and if you are ultimately at different stages of being ready then you can talk about what you both expect from the relationship now and in the future.
Also, I wouldn’t put too much importance about not wanting to stir the pot on Super Bowl weekend. If you’re both respectful of each other and your opinions then hopefully you can talk about it calmly. If conflict developes, so be it. Like you said marriage is a serious thing and deserves the time spent leading up to it and preparing for it. Best of luck!
Post # 10
Also, I’m not sure what you guys have talked about as far as jewelry is concerned but if you haven’t talked about it at length then you might both be operating under misconceptions. Perhaps he is still saving 6 months later because he thinks you deserve a 2 ct. stunner and would rather wait, whereas you’d rather he buy a more moderately priced ring and have something sooner.
Post # 11
Honestly, it doesn’t sound like he is serious about marrying you. From what you told us about your realtionship, it seems he just proposed to get you back.
The ring thing isn’t really excusable anymore IMO, not that a ring is what it’s all about but the excuses he’s using aren’t really valid. Like a PP stated there are beautiful gemstone rings for $100 or so that could have been given for now.
And not being willing to set a date is a big red flag to me. It’s been since last June that he proposed and he still isn’t willing to set a concrete date and start planning? Just doesn’t seem like he is even taking his proposal seriously.
If I were you I’d have that conversation with him (whether it be superbowl weekend or not) and if he still drags his feet it might be time to move on. I wish you lots of luck!
Post # 12
My honest opinion – he doesn’t want to get married. (p.s. I didn’t vote in the poll b/c of the wording issue several ladies have already addressed).
Why did you break up and move out in the first place? That’s a pretty drastic move, something must have spurred it.
Not every guy is going to be uber-excited about picking out napkin colors, but if they won’t talk about wedding/marriage at all, won’t set a date, won’t buy you a ring (if you want one) – then sorry, but they don’t really want to get married.
Post # 13
@patientlywaiting: I think he did it to hold on to you. You don’t need to spend thousands on a wedding. Ask him to get married at the court house next week and see what he says. If he’s still hesitant, then he doesn’t want to marry you.
Post # 14
The poll question is confusing, because you can say “no he’s not serious” or “yes he proposed to keep you hanging on.”
I’d just tell him “honey, I picked a date. August 1. Be there or be square!” See what he says.
Post # 15
I don’t know your full situation, so I could be missing something. But, I can say that if someone jerked me around like that, I would show him the door.
Post # 16
I did not get my engagement ring until a year after I was married. So there could be things looming monetary wise that he is trying to deal with first. So I don’t think it really is an issue of not wanting to commit. As far as date wise, I would straight up say this is the date and we can go from there and if we need to push it up back or whatever at a later time, we can.