(Closed) Proposing a formality?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
8370 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
sherlock2330 :  I’m in the camp that if you have both decided you are getting married, and are either actively planning or have a general time and place chosen, that’s the definition of being engaged. A ring is fluff, and a formal down-on-one-knee proposal is fluff. The problem with your situation is, your boyfriend seems to feel differently, and you both need to be in agreement. If you feel engaged, I’d tell him, the ring and proposal will be nice but seeing as how you’ve agreed to get married and are planning when and where, can you consider yourselves engaged already, with the ring and proposal being icing on the cake when they happen.

Post # 3
3525 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Just ask him! 

You can absolutely start planning before there’s a ring if you both agree on a timeline. My FH and I were “engaged” before we were engaged. As long as you’re on the same page about when the ring is coming, when you’ll start telling people, etc., it’s fine. 

Post # 5
9758 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I think it’s a great sign he told everyone! 

I would just ask him “Hey I know you haven’t done the formal proposal but would you be cool if we started planning things?” and see what he says.

Post # 6
684 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

Talk to him. But in general I say you can start planning, just don’t buy stuff yet. My h2b and I had been talking about marriage for AGES, had picked out a location, I’d picked a dress (that I didn’t end up buying), talked about style choices, number of people to be invited, honeymoon destinations etc. In the end I proposed to him because I wanted to start planning properly.

Post # 7
1029 posts
Bumble bee

I think, if I can make this a “larger” conversation, that we as women are at a weird point in this whole engagement thing….

The traditional ways are mostly still used, i.e. things like the guy asking the father, the man being the one to buy the ring and to propose. But the fact is that we no longer live in a society where women are truly surprised by The Proposal. Most of us discuss the future long before it would get to that stage. Sometimes we even have already made plans around the date, venue, dress, ring…. I’m not even saying this is a bad or a good thing. I just think it’s why we often have posts like this. 

I think sometimes men are as confused about their roles as we are.

OP: It’s totally understandable that you feel a bit confused by all of this. It certainly sounds like he is committed to spending his life with you!

Sorry for making this a bigger sociological issue, just something I have observed.

Post # 8
459 posts
Helper bee

Id definitely ask for clarification. not to the point of pressuring him. But if hes announcing to your friends about it… I think you deserve some sort of timeline.

Post # 9
1031 posts
Bumble bee

Fiance isn’t planning to give me my ring of “officially” propose until the day of our wedding in less than 6 weeks…but considering we’ve set a date, have a venue, and invites are out…the ring and man on one knee isn’t the only way to propose 😉

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