- 3 months ago
None of my “plans” have ever worked out. Which is funny, because I love routine, planning, calendars, reminders and all that comes with pretending to be in some sort of control.
I dated my high school boyfriend for 8 years. We moved in together at 22 and of course, the “plan,” was we would be married shortly thereafter. We didn’t realize moving in together would not be blissful all of the time, and parted ways 10 months later. I still love him as a friend. We were just too young and a decade later we have nothing in common and I see it would have never worked.
I moved into my very own apartment excited and full of hope, after all, I was still young. Met another guy and when my lease was up, we moved in together. He seemed lovely, until 2 years later, he had 2 DUI’s but continued drinking and denying there was a problem. I moved in with my parents for awhile.
This brought me to age 26. Still full of hope to find true love (it took me until 30 to realize lust does not equal love). I did some solo soul searching and then did some dating, but I was still wildly naive, so my next serious relationship ended up being with an abusive, manipulative addict… and that ended last summer. Although it was plenty over a year before that – I was just exhausted at the idea of moving again, so I let it linger.
And here I am, 32, and I am finally painfully aware of the fact that some things in life, ya just cannot force!
Never being one for spontaneity, my boyfriend and I recently started making plans for our future. I am trying to be positive about it instead of defaulting to the “it probably won’t work out” mentality that I am now accustomed to.
The plan is that when my lease is up – August – if we are still going strong, I will move into his place. This gives his son almost a full year to adjust to me and my dog and vise versa, and it gives us time to make sure it is the right move. If I move in, we will save money for a down payment on a house (each contributing the same amount) and begin looking into buying in summer 2019. He has always wanted marriage – after my failed engagement I am still a little hesitant to talk about it. I never want to relive the embarassment of canceling a wedding again. Other than my marriage paranoia (as I post on a wedding site… ironic) we are very much in agreement with what we want out future to look like.
Here is the catch. Now that I am not with an abuser, a cheater or an addict, and now that I am older, and now that I am dating someone with steady employment and I myself have a good career, these ‘dreams’ all seem so very possible and within reach. But everytime I start to get excited or hopeful, my subconscious screams “it will never happen for you,” or “you won’t be a mother,” or “buy a condo with your dog instead because you suck at love” and I start imagining failed scenarios. I doubt my boyfriend thinks that way, he is so happy go lucky.
I feel, in almost an obsessive way (I have diagnosed OCD by the way, I take medication for it) that if I allow myself to feel positive and happy about anything, that I am dooming it. I really don’t understand how I can stop thinking this way. I’ve done the self help books, the therapy, the meditation and the medication. I do not want to self sabotage anymore, bees.
Am I damned?
ETA: we are only about 4 months in, but have known each other several years in a friend capacity.