Post # 1
I lost my mother to MS when I was young. I had never really dealt with it, but when I started planning my wedding it became a huge part of me again. I know this is true for many women on these boards.
I wanted to tell you about something that helped me deal, even after a decade. Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman.
This book deals with every situation you could imagine: sickness, suicide, accidents, absentee mothers. It is not a self-help book, it simply puts your feelings into words that you never could have. For me, the most profound was feeling split into two people. I had to grow up fast and become a wife and mother myself at such a young age. However, a part of me was also stunted as that 11 year old girl. It helped me realize that it was ok to be angry about things she had done and the hardships her illness put me through, because if she was alive, we certaintly would have had normal growing pains and arguments.
I have never known anyone else that has lost their mother, so it feels very lonely. People don’t know how to handle that fact, and you never really find someone who can relate or understand. This book felt like talking to a friend who had been in my exact shoes. They know the pain, the emotions, the loneliness. You finally realize that you are not alone and that your feelings are very normal.
If you have lost your mother, I really urge you to pick up this book. It is a hard read with a lot of tears, but it well worth the journey.
Post # 3
@WhiteWedding: I am sorry for your loss (no matter how long ago it was).
My father dies when I was 10 (I was daddy’s girl) and my mother sorta didn’t bother calling after she lost custody (right before he died… my father’s parents had custody of us in case something happened because he was sick while the ruling came). I havn’t seen or heard from her since. To be honest, I don’t mourn the loss of my mother (I will not lie it may be some anger in there, I did forgive her… but sometimes you are still in the same mind set afterwords.) , and I do not plan to go out of my way to find out where she is.
I do however mourn the loss of my father. I sometimes get self obsorded and have self pity parties about it, esp when I first got engaged. I would have loved for him to walk me down the isle…and I know he would have spoiled me and help me pay for the wedding (it’s not really about the money, don’t get me wrong… it’s more about the experience and knowing someone supports you through this). Sometimes I get jealous of my cousins, because they all have at least one parent to help them with wedding stuff…and I thought my aunts were like my parents… but it’s not the same. I don’t get any help from them because they say they can’t (again it’s not about the money…it’s hard to explaine). I guess sometimes I get angry and feel alone, but I soon get over it because it’s life…and honestly I had a lot of blessings in life other people don’t get. I still have a family. And I have God who was my rock since I was a child going through all this. So I am good and I get an amazing husband who I was blessed with.
I will look for the book. Thank you for the suggestion.
Post # 4
I will have to look into this book. I lost my mother right before my senior year in high school.
Post # 5
I didn’t lose my mother in the sense of her passing away, but when I was 5 my parent’s got a divorce because of my mothers drug addiction and infidelity. She hasn’t been a part of my life since, and at times we’ve gone several years without even speaking a word.
I alternate between feeling like it’s done no damage to me, and then sometimes feeling like I’ve blocked out all of the pain in a subconscious place.
I wonder if this book would help me, or if I’d be better off leaving the door to my emotions closed on this subject..
Post # 6
@WhiteWedding: +10000000000000 – this book is amazing. My mom is still alive but she is not my mother. A therapist recommended this book to me a few years ago and it was sort of an epiphany. I am happy that it been such a help for you as well.
Post # 7
I lost my mother was when I was 7 years old and have been on my own since I was 16. I have put myself in therapy at a young age and came to grips with the fact that I have to travel this journey through life without a mother. I turned my negative into a positive and remembered the best things of her and incorporated them into my life and became the best parent I could.
I remember her taking us out every weekend to some different place like Plymouth Rock, visited Indian reservations, etc. My girls and I have always done the same things and now that they are grown women they take me out and we have a ball (last night my oldest took me to see the Blue Man Group).
I think about my mother everyday and the fact that she has never met them but I have told them about her and they each have a picture. I cant change the facts but I can choose to remember the kind of mother she was and hopefully I showed my girls the qualities she showed me.
She has been gone for 41 years, and given what I just wrote you truly never get over the loss. I have taken my girls with me when I went dress shopping.
Post # 8
I’m sorry for your loss. I still have my mother, but she lost her own mom when she was just 6 years old. She has often said how hard it was to grow up without a mom and that she doesn’t feel like a whole person because of it. Maybe this book could help her. Thanks for sharing.
Post # 9
I still have my mother, but her and my father live in Kosovo so I only get to see them every couple years or so. I don’t get to talk to her much at all on the phone, and don’t get as many emails as I would like either. It is so hard sometimes to not have her around to talk to, spend time with and share this whole experience of planning my wedding with her there beside me. Holidays and birthdays are the worst! Thank you for the recomendation of this book. I will definitely be reading it this Christmas break!