Post # 1
I have a situation here, that I am desperately looking for an unbiased opinion on, so I figured who better to ask then the fellow Bees! Sorry, but this may be a little long:
My sister has never been a sister to me. It’s really quite hard to believe that we even come from the same parents. I’m getting married, and I asked he to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man because she is my sister, but didn’t have her me my Maid/Matron of Honor because I had other people in my life that I felt deserve that position.
The problem is that my sister (let’s call her K) broke up with her boyfriend (let’s call him S) of 5 years about a year ago. For those 5 years, we spent almost every Sunday together at my parents house for family dinner, and lots of camping trips, vacation etc. We’re all bascially the same age. S has a son who is 7. I have a son who is 7 and a daughter who is 8. My sister has been telling these kids since they were two that S is their uncle and that they’re cousins. So, obviously we all had a very close relationship.
S and K split up becasue K is an alcoholic. S had tried and tried to help, but said he had to leave because he had his son and his business and himself to think about. K is very heart broken and drinks and drinks more. (I won’t go on about this, but let’s just say that she’s been in the hospital and still refuses to even admit she has a problem.) S and I had been friends long before K and S had even met. My Fiance and S became good friends as well from hanging out all the time. FI ended up asking S to be a groomsman.
Now my sister is completely losing it over this. She has left me several drunk messages telling me how I”m a horrible sister, and how could I ever do this to her after all she’s done for me. (which is absolutely nothing by the way) She starts listing names of family members and friends who think I’m selfish and absolutely ridiculous for having S in the wedding. Of course, when I talk to these people they say nothing of the sort, and I know she’s just making things up as usual. I don’t know what to do. FI is awesome, and says he’ll do whatever I want him to.
So, my question to you Bees is, do I have S be a groomsan, or do I do what K wants me to do and kick him out of the wedding?
Post # 3
I’m afraid that if I don’t kick him out, she will make a huge scene at the wedding. I’m afraid that if I do kick him out, that she will have lied and manipulated a situation yet again to get her way.
Post # 4
Well its sounds like your sis K needs to get some good counseling and assistance/rehab to get her back into just existing, let alone as your Bridesmaid or Best Man or giving you orders about your wedding! I can understand your sisters hurt as well as FI’s attachment and allegiance to S.
Be strong! If you really think that the wedding is going to be drama free and perfect If S does not be a groomsmen than I guess its an option, but ultimately know that you are NOT a bad sister if you do want to include you and FIs friend in the wedding.
Post # 5
Wow, this sounds hard. Your Fiance asked S to be a groomsman because of their friendship, not because he was your sister’s boyfriend. I don’t think caving to your sister’s demands is a good idea, given the situation. Can you talk to her when she is sober about it? If she wants to back out of the wedding party, that is her choice, but I don’t think you should let her decide you is or isn’t allowed in your wedding party. Also, might be smart to give a heads up to a relative and the bartenders to keep an eye on her drinking during the party and cut her off/escort her out if she gets really drunk or starts causing a scene.
Post # 6
Oh gosh, that is a tough one. Can you gently explain to her that you were friends with him long before they were dating and since they did, your Fiance became close to him too. Things just didnt work but not by any fault of him or her. Just cause they are not together, that is no reason to cut him out of your lives too. I personally would not kick him out if your Fiance really wants him up there as a Groomsmen. If she makes a huge scene, I dont think anything she does could really ‘ruin’ the day. I’m sure someone would step in and escort her out before she could do any real damage. The only real damage she could do is to make herself look bad for drama she causes on your wedding day. You’d just need some thick skin to put up with her if she does and get on with the day without letting it bother you.
Post # 7
@ Mrs Argentina~ WE’ve been trying to get her into counseling or rehab, but because of patients rights, we can’t do anything… she has to be the one to take that first step. I can understand my sister’s hurt feelings as well, and that’s why this has been SO difficult on me. And I would change everything for her in a second if I ever felt like she was there for me, you know? She’s just always demanded things from me, and name called and belittled me until she got them. I don’t want to cave into her being selfish! This is my day, and I want it to be happy! So, thank you so much for saying what you did. I really needed to hear that I am still a good sister, even if S is still in the wedding,
@ KitKatNYC~ When she found out S was going to be in the wedding, she started telling us that S always talked crap on us all the time, and that he didn’t even like being around us and that’s why she can’t even understand why we would want him in the wedding. I’ve tried to talk to her about it at a moment when she’s sober, but that doesn’t really ever happen, and she’s extremely emotional about it. In the meantime, though, she’s been with someone else now for like 6 months. A few of my other bridesmaids have been gracious enough to offer to be on K duty, and make sure that she stays in control, and if she doesn’t, they are going to escort her out of there. She’s brought this same fight up so many times already. My Fiance, the last time she brought it up, saw how much it was hurting me and finally text her back without me knowing. He told her that S being in the wedding was his decision, and that it was not changing, and that he was sick and tired of her hurting me, and if she pulled this crap again that she was out of the wedding.
Post # 8
I also have a sister who is very difficult to be with at times. My sister doesn’t have an addiction problem but nevertheless she is more than handful and I know if she comes to my wedding she will probably act up (but I know that her social anxiety will probably keep her away -fingers crossed). So I completely understand the dynamic thats at play right now.
People like our sisters are unpredictable. Chances are she will probably act up at your wedding anyway, if its not about her ex it maybe over some other imagined drama or slight. Its YOUR wedding. Its your FH friend. Simply she is being selfish and manipulative. Do not give in to her nonsense.
If she feel that bad she can at minimum attend the ceremony then take her ass home and skip the reception. Do not for a minute allow her to con you into thinking that your wrong.