(Closed) PTSD is driving us apart. :(

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
11392 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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jessicabear:  this isn’t healthy and you aren’t helping him by staying with him. If he were willing to get help, it would be different. But his attitude is he’s ok like this so you have to put up with it. Not cool. 

This is very difficult, I say that as someone familiar with mental health issues in a family member. But you know how you have to put the oxygen mask on yourself first when flying? Same thing here. You need to care for yourself, bee. You’re entitled to prioritize your happiness. You’re not married yet, so this is the best time to see how you feel with some breathing room.

He sounds like he needs a lot of help, I hope he gets it. 

Post # 3
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Oh no!

No no no no no!

Bee I know that you love him and you know he’s all you’ve ever known. I know he will always be a part of you and you’ll always hold him in your heart. However, you’re not helping him anymore, you’ve become the enabler. The fact that you can’t imagine leaving now is just the codependency talking. 

If you really and truly love him and want to help him you will leave him. He needs a kick in the balls to learn the very adult lesson that his wellbeing is HIS responsibility, that his addiction is HIS responsibility, that HE needs to do something to get his PTSD under control. The longer you stay and do everything for him the longer he will put off doing anything for it. 

And you dear Bee need to learn how to date, and flirt, have sex with (if you’d like of course), and have relationships with men WO rescuing them. You need to learn how to be a partner, a girlfriend, a wife before you learn how to be a mother. And just so we’re clear, a mother to children, not to your SO. And that’s only if you choose to have kids!

You answered the question yourself btw. ‘When is enough, enough? When it affects your own personal mental health!” The words were yours, I just “corrected” the punctuation. 

Post # 5
2762 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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BalletParker:  good money after bad the other day and now oxygen masks on the plane -> best analogies ever!

Post # 8
3027 posts
Sugar bee

You are really saying the same thing as two months ago. Your bf has PTSD and a traumatic brain injury.  He is anxious and very angry.  You pull strings to get temporary jobs for him but he doesn’t try to get jobs himself.  He doesn’t do any housework and plays video games and smokes pot all day.  You work in a stressful job and have to do all the chores.  When you take time off to go on a trip he makes excuses and sabatages it because he doesn’t want to go.  He refuses therapy.  

The worrying thing is that he is not getting better but getting worse.  He gets enraged at the slightest disagreement, even on Christmas Day.  

It is affecting your mental health and you feel that you as a person are fading.  You are not a girlfriend but a carer.

You really do need to get him to leave.  It’s clear from your post that you’ve realised this.  Ring your mother and tell her the truth.  Get support from friends and family.  Look to your own safety and make sure that you contact a support organisation.  

When is enough enough? Well the answer is it occurred two months ago.  You can’t ultimately help someone who won’t help themselves.  Even if he loves you he is not looking after you but is instead making you ill.  This means that very soon you are going to have to look after yourself by getting him to leave.

I’m sure all the other Bees will say the same thing.  They said it two months ago and I’m sure that they will say it even more strongly now.

Good luck, OP.

Post # 9
4242 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

You need to leave.  He isn’t getting any better and there is absolutely NO WAY you should have to put up with this crap.

I am around military guys enough (I am a wife of a Navy veteran) that I know how stubborn they can be with getting help and admitting they need help for PTSD.  They feel like they should be able to solve their problems themselves.  They feel like therapy won’t help.  PTSD and brain injuries are of course a huge issue…yet everything you put here is him being LAZY.  He is using excuse after excuse after excuse.  He is living off of you and using you.  He isn’t doing his part.  He isn’t willing to get help.  He can’t keep a job.  The thing is…you CANNOT fix him.  It isn’t your job.  You shouldn’t feel obligated to.  This is more than PTSD, this is him living a life of lethargy and mooching off of his girlfriend.

I know you love him.  I get that.  I really do.  But it’s not your job to be his crutch and let him smoke pot and drink all day while playing video games.  It’s not your job to be his caretaker.  He has shown he is unwilling to get help for his injury and PTSD…and the only way he will get help is if HE realizes he needs help.  You can’t do that for him.  I know you WANT to help him, but the best way to do that is to kick him out.

I would also treat this as a break up.  Sure you want him to come back to you but there is no guarantee of that.  There’s no guarantee he will change.  There’s no guarantee he will get treatment.  This is not something you need to handle.  HE needs to take charge of his own life.  HE needs to take the steps to getting help for his PTSD and (what sounds like) depression.  You cannot be responsible for taking care of him.  That is absolutely not fair to you.  I know you want this to work, but in this ENTIRE post you do not say one single good thing about him.  Aren’t you sick and tired of that?

ETA: You are definitely on the right track by asking him to go to the VA.  They will be able to help him find the resources that he needs.  However…him flat out refusing to go should tell you something about his willingness to get help…

Post # 10
753 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Backyard

I agree with all the above posters, I think you’ve gotten some really good advice. Perhaps the first person he saw at the VA just wasn’t a good “match” for him. He needs to try again to get help if he has any chance of getting better. And the saying is true, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink.

Post # 11
5083 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

I responded to your last post about this with my own personal experiences with my husband’s PTSD, so I won’t reiterate that entirely; but, again, he has to be the one to choose to fix his problems. You can encourage him and help him, but he has to do it himself. If he won’t do it, then you are under no obligation to stay with him and continue to enable his behavior. Maybe leaving will give him the “rock-bottom” moment that will make him realize that he needs help or maybe it won’t, but either way, you’ll be a happier and healthier person. 

Post # 12
1764 posts
Buzzing bee

You are in an abusive relationship, it’s ok to leave.

Post # 13
100 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: Dallas Comic Con/ Fan Expo

As Someone who has PTSD, I agree with the other bee’s. You need to care for yourself first and foremost. I know you love him, it takes an amazing person to have that much love to deal with this for so long, but he does not seem to want help. Worse than that he seems to be lashing out and being destructive. You can not put your self through that. 

It is not selfish. It is not mean. It is not saying you do not love someone. It is taking care of yourself because you are important. 


Post # 14
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I am all for exhausting all efforts before ending a relationship when your partner is willing. If he isn’t willing to seek help then at this point you have exhausted all avenues. 

You aren’t happy. He’s not willing to make you happy. Enabling is never the answer so I think it is time he gets it together without you. 

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