(Closed) PTSD…… Open chat and support for Millitary Bees!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
770 posts
Busy bee

My fiancé is Air Force. He does not have PTSD as he has only been in 6 months, but I worry one day he will. I grew up in a Marine family, so I’ve heard some disturbing stories. I pray that my fiancé never has to see anything like that, although I doubt he will being in the USAF. Your writing is beautiful. I know he appreciates all you do for him and how you help him.

Post # 4
Member
5109 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2014

PilotsLocal:  I don’t have PTSD myself, but my husband is a veteran with PTSD and my brother was one of the far too many veteran suicides. My husband has been out of the Marines for a decade and suffered for years refusing to get treatment. Just in the past couple years has be gotten help. He is doing quite well now, but obviously has bad days and still has to avoid certain situations. We’ve had a few “scary” incidents together (side note: my husband has never been violent toward me, that’s not what I mean by “scary”) that have caused what I consider to be secondary trauma in myself. I already have GAD, but my anxiety is absolutely heightened with regard to his potential triggers. I’ve become hypervigilent about situations that might cause him to be uncomfortable, if that makes sense. 

Luckily, where we are the VAs are wonderful and my husband has received great care, I know that is not the case everywhere. He recently started talking to his therapist about EMDR therapy for PTSD and it seems really interesting and effective, I read a couple publications on it; it may be something to look into for you guys suffering from PTSD. 

Post # 5
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Gosh – reading this was hard. I had to leave my ex because of his PTSD. He was so isolating and trapped in his mind. Wracked with endless thoughts. Crippling himself with drinking. I hung on for years, sleeping alone in my own room because of his night terrors. In the end I had to admit that this is not a marriage. There was zero intimacy and complete isolation.  I finally took the jump and left because I deserve love too – a partner – a family. 

I hate to say it so bluntly, but marrying that man was the worst mistake of my adult life. He was so destructive to me and I lost years of myself just mired in his issues and trying to be there and be helpful. He was doing so well for a while too. Making serious headway into transitioning to a new life with a future. I regret marrying him – but without knowing him, I would probably not appreciate the true love and light of a present partner the way I have now. 

I still think about my ex often. I wish him the best, but I do feel sorry for whomever he dates or marries next. That person has no idea. He can be very encompassing on the surface socially. But as soon as you are alone, he ices you out. As if the show is over and he can now retreat into his private world ignoring you until the next social event.

I remember early on in our relationship spending so much time with him. He could barely get out of the house without having an anxiety attack and pouring sweat. He was drinking so much Vodka and all I could see was a man who was dying and I didn’t want that to happen. I knew he was a wonderful man. I made the mistake of believing my love was strong enough for the both of us.

We started by just going to the grocery store. He would walk next to me as calm as can be, as I pushed the cart. But I could see his baseball hat starting to soak through with sweat. His hands would often squeeze my arm or touch my back as if he was reassuring himself he is okay. He would tell me all the time that I am so comforting to him. He would say just looking at me and touching me reminds him that there is good in the world.  He was in a constant state of hyper vigilance. Over time he eventually relaxed — it was great! We were cooking so many meals together and having fun! 

Next we would go out to dinner, go out to see friends and music concerts. -We would bike ride. go to the beach, the movies. We were just peas and carrots. He started university with his GI bill. I was cheering him on every step of the way. He picked out a major and was very happy focusing on that. He wasn’t drinking so much anymore, at least not hard liquor- just beer. He was off of 15 medications. He was losing weight again and getting strong. Everything was about him. Helping him, cheering him, encouraging him, bolstering him. And I was happy to do it.  I didn’t even realize how quickly I was lost. 

He proposed to me so sweetly, it felt so right. It was on my parents dock right on the bay. A kayaker saw him on his knee and was cheering. It was so happy. We had the best wedding too. Top of the line – best of everything. Mom and Dad threw the party of a lifetime for us. But that day was the last day we were happy. – Because he then slid down into his old place of isolation and vodka. 

– Every day felt like a prison to me. None of my friends or family knew, they just saw me living in a beautiful house with my new husband and thinking we were just great. The truth was I was crying in the shower almost daily- in shock over the reality of life with this man.

It was years of lonliness and I can only say I’m so glad its behind me. I’m so glad I am not suffering his pain now too. My soldier did NOT come home- but he was there.  

I left for the west coast. I went backpacking for several months and hiking non stop,- day in day out healed me. I was so completely emotionally and spiritually drained. The outdoors revved me back into having a full heart again. Slowly I rebuilt myself -with the help of my friend I’m now back to a really good place. My friend that helped me through my darkness and divorce became my boyfriend and now my husband. 

I suppose everything happens as it should – I couldn’t be more happy now.

I don’t think people realize the depth of PTSD on a person – not just the person but their partner too. 

I’m not even touching the complete abyss of everything that lead to our divorce – but it was all related to his PTSD. I truly hope he can find peace. He was going to the VA on tuesdays to talk to some people but I don’t think he kept it up after I left. Last I heard he is drinking hard again and has some new girlfriend who is a hard partier. Yikes. well. . . . thats that I guess. There is a lot of relief and sadness involved. There is no hatred. Just sadness.

 

Post # 8
Member
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

PilotsLocal:  hi thanks – sorry it was so long. . .i just wanted to share my experience with you. – PTSD is so tough.  thanks so much for reading my post and please hang in there! 

Post # 9
Member
260 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

PilotsLocal:  I don’t really have anything productive to add but just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through this and I hope you find the light at the end of the tunnel soon. Best wishes bee. <3

Post # 11
Member
39 posts
Newbee

PilotsLocal:  have you reached out to any of your local military resources? The Family Readiness groups on base are specifically in place to help with these kinds of issues and not only provide resources for your husband but also resources for you. There is support for you to help with managing how to not only deal with him but help you process so that you can be the support he needs and also have the support YOU need. If you’re no longer near an active installation – militaryonesource.com

Post # 12
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Thank you ladies for posting your stories. While I don’t have ptsd myself my fiance who I live with does and some days are incredibly hard. They are all worth it and thankfully never violent outbursts but none the less they still make life hard. He’s been to therapy but it doesn’t seem to help like it used to. So I feel lost on how to help him I try to make sure he avoids triggers but I can’t all the time. I might try just giving him space. Praying for you all

Post # 13
Member
250 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Glad too see this thread as June is PTSD awareness month.  My Darling Husband is an Army Vet with PTSD. I feel helpless when he has some night terrors or calls out in his sleep. Sudden loud noises really trigger him so we avoid fireworks when possible and I do my best to not startle or sneak up on him. He also hates crowds. The church carnival is coming up and we live in the development next to the church so I’m already planning to be out with him the night of the fireworks. We move farther away next month. For the first time in the almost 4 yrs we’ve been together, I saw him get extremely agitated and freak out recently and I hated feeling helpless. We were at a party for a friend of ours and the DJs equipment they were setting up kept making these static pops and booms.  It would make the bass reverb and you could feel it. After the first one he was shaken and it happened again a few mins later and he got really tense. And his blood pressure was up. I knew why he was reacting and what it reminded him of. Even the kids were scared of the speaker doing that. Well ten mins later it happened 3 times in a row and he lost it and yelled at the DJ.   They finally unplugged whatever was making it do that. I spent the next hour by his side and we got out of there before the DJ started spinning late in the evening. I try to be considerate of what situations I put him in, but unexpected things like that make me feel bad and helpless at what he’s going thru. 

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