(Closed) Public shaming of misbehaving children….thoughts?

posted 8 years ago in Parenting
  • poll: Which is the most acceptable/effective form of disciplining a child?

    Public shaming (child is not physically hurt but may be humiliated)

    Talk it out (does this even work anymore?)

    Give them a good spanking (without crossing over into serious physical abuse)

  • Post # 47
    Member
    429 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

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    @Zhabeego:  [content moderated for personal attack] Most non-spanking/non-shaming parents aren’t like that at all.  They use praise when the kid is doing right, NOT all the time or “enough to make angels blush,” It doesn’t even come with co-sleeping or the other “creepiness” and do you really think the dads have absolutely no say in all of it?  [content moderated for snark]  And the natural consequences are things that any parent would agree with.  Kid doesn’t want to put on his coat?  Fine, he freezes.   Kid doesn’t want to behave in public?  He’s taken home ASAP and misses the fun.  Kids keep fighting?  They sit together at a table where they learn to resolve their differences without yelling and hitting.  Parents don’t yell at the kid not because yelling is abuse or whatever bullshit you pulled out of your ass, but because yelling doesn’t necessarily help a situation and oh hey, parents are supposed to be ADULTS.

    Oh, and to drive my point home, the brattiest people I’ve ever met were people who were constantly shamed, spanked, and punished in other ways that were totally illogical and unrelated to the offense.  They behaved around their parents, but once the parents were gone they’d do whatever the hell they wanted and would go to insane lengths not to get caught.  I don’t want to raise any kids I have to behave OR ELSE, I want them to actually know right from wrong and how to handle conflict in a rational, adult manner without yelling, hitting, or humiliating one another publicly. 

    Post # 48
    Member
    2747 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

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    @Nona99:  Incredible post, Nona!! I completely agree with your reaction. I read a study that concluded the best adjusted children (now adults) were raised by parents who disciplined “randomly” (all with purpose but not expected punishments/consequences).  This is followed by the second group of children who were disciplined VERY strictly and the last group was not disciplined at all.

    Post # 51
    Member
    1004 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

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    @kittyfinn:  Really!  You could have just POLITELY disagreed!  Honestly most of the “gentle discipline” is a bunch of hooey. Not all of it, but most. Kids are being brought up ENTITLED. I am so tired of all the sports events that everyone gets to play, everyone wins blah blah blah.  Im sorry but if you bully someone or back talk or act like a little brat, then you can bet your butt you are in trouble. Time outs are a joke most of the time. Grounding, yea, Please someone send me to my room so I can watch TV and relax. No. When I ground my daughter now, there is nothing in her room but her bed and blankets. No phone, tv nothing. Homework, dinner shower then bed.

     

    Post # 52
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    2399 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

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    @kittyfinn:  Oh you would not have liked my parents. I won’t even get started on all of our punishments. You need to cool it. Good luck with that kind of method.

    Post # 53
    Member
    592 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

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    @Zhabeego:  Sounds like those people you see in stores negotiating with a 3 year old trying to get them to behave.

     

    Post # 54
    Member
    2597 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

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    @kittyfinn:  Defensive much?  You’re claiming I stated a heck of a lot of stuff I didn’t say. 

    I don’t think natural consequences are necessarily bad or ineffective.  Its just that there ARE no natural consequences to the kid for a lot of bad behavior.  Lets say you need to buy groceries for the week because the cupboard is bare and your kid wants to go home so he pitches a fit right in the middle of the store.  What’s the natural consequence there?  If you leave, he gets what he wants.  If you stay, you make yourself and everyone else miserable and your kid gets to continue to indulge his tantrum. 

    Further, there’s also nothing wrong with actually being an authority figure in your own home since, you know, you are the parent and the adult.  Kids are not equals to adults and they shouldn’t be deceived into believing that they are.

    A lot of this nonsense figures kids are too stupid to figure things out.  They’re not.  My parents weren’t strict but they were fairly old school.  I always knew exactly why I was being punished and what I’d done to deserve it.  I got spanked a few times and I was never confused by it or thought that getting spanked meant that hitting others was okay.  I understood that spanking was the purview of my parents as punishment for my misbehavior.  I was given praise when I actually earned it and critisized when I earned it.  It didn’t destroy my self esteem. 

    If I hear one more parent saying, “Good job, Buddy!” for a kid for basically breathing, I’m going to lose one or both eyes from rolling them so hard.

    Post # 55
    Member
    429 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    [content moderated for snark and personal attack]

    The problem here isn’t gentle parenting but a societal trend that worships children and puts them on a pedestal, and if they fall off that pedestal they get spanked and singled out as an example of how ALL children are lazy, entitled, etc.  Our society does not have the tools or skills to raise children properly.  Let me explain:

     

     

     

    “I am so tired of all the sports events that everyone gets to play, everyone wins blah blah blah.” This is a problem with parenting how?  I sort of agree that every kid (well, to a point) should get to play a sport.  In local rec leagues kids are there because their parents want them to learn to play a sport.  Kind of hard when some kids never get to play or do anything for their team.  I agree with you otherwise, but this is not a parenting problem, it’s a societal one.  LEarn the difference.

     


     

    “Im sorry but if you bully someone or back talk or act like a little brat, then you can bet your butt you are in trouble. ” People who practice Gentle Discipline totally, 100% agree with you.  On the other hand, our society tells victims of bullying that they’re the ones with the problem, and shrugs it off as “kids being kids.”  But everyone acts like a brat sometimes, kids and adults, spanking and shaming isn’t going to fix that.  Calmly saying “hey, that was really out of line, and here’s why” is a better option, no?  Wouldn’t you want others to do that for you if you said something offensive or you were annoying someone and didn’t realize it?  Or would you really rather be screamed at in public and hit on your bottom?  Oh right, it’s bad for adults, but TOTALLY OKAY for children.  GD is primarily about putting yourself in your kid’s shoes and acting accordingly, not ignoring bratty behavior or bullying.  Spanking and shaming on the other hand serves to terrify kids into behaving without ever really teaching them why what they did was wrong.

     


     

    “Time outs are a joke most of the time. Grounding, yea, Please someone send me to my room so I can watch TV and relax.  ” Well that’s why you don’t put TVs in your kids’ rooms.  Easy.  But our society says our kids need their own TVs and whatnot in their rooms.  Again, this has nothing to do with GD and everything to do with our society promoting bad parenting.

     


     

    “No. When I ground my daughter now, there is nothing in her room but her bed and blankets. No phone, tv nothing. Homework, dinner shower then bed.” See, you’re doing it right and all competent GD parents would totally, 100% agree with you.

     


     

    Don’t blame a school of parenting you know nothing about for societal problems that encourage lazy parenting.

     

    Post # 56
    Member
    4474 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I think this was a great punishment for the girl.  It was appropriately giving her a taste of her own medicine.  I wish more parents actually disciplined their kids these days, there are too many entitled little shits running around.  My brother was parented in the “be your kid’s friend” kind of way, and he is a really screwed up adult. 

     

    Shame is a very successful method of punishment.  When we were kids, yelling and spanking didn’t really resonate as big punishment.  Looking back, the worst thing about spanking was the shame of it, not the actually strike.  The very WORST thing our parents could do to us (and my mom dished out this one) was give us a cold shower.  On it’s face, a cold shower isn’t a huge deal, but it was humiliating and we were terrified of it.

     

    This thread is proving to be very educational – I’ll have to remember some of these things.

    Post # 57
    Member
    5949 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

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    @kittyfinn:  

    “But everyone acts like a brat sometimes, kids and adults, spanking and shaming  isn’t going to fix that.  Calmly saying “hey, that was really out of line,  and here’s why” is a better option, no?  Wouldn’t you want others to do  that for you if you said something offensive or you were annoying someone and  didn’t realize it?”

    ….so is that why you jumped Zhabeego’s shit then…you’re giving her a better option?

    Post # 58
    Member
    429 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

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    @Zhabeego:  There’s a difference between being “authoritative” and “authoritarian.” GD does not say at any time that parents should not be authority figures, ever.  Parents SHOULD be authority figures.  They just need to use the authority they have wisely, remain calm, and basically be the adult.  

     

    As for the grocery store anecdote, that’s why you don’t necessarily have to go home, just remove the kid from the situation, let him calm down, then continue shopping.  Or whatever else is appropriate for the situation.  Again, you have to be creative when it comes to discipline.  And there are reasons the kid could be freaking out that reall aren’t his fault– the lights in stores are known to cause headaches in adults, they over-stimulate some children which causes them to freak out.  I’ve had that experience, as an adult, and it would have been nightmarish as a child when I had no way of dealing with it at all.  GD isn’t about letting your kid run amok like you seem to think, it’s about actually figuring out what your kid’s problem is and acting accordingly.

     

    Also, that “nonsense” does not give kids too little credit.  Kids are smart, but they’re perfectly capable of reasoning WITHOUT being spanked.  That’s what the natural consequences are for.  Kids do not require pain to listen or to correct their behavior.  All they need is a calm, rational adult who doesn’t let his or her anger get the better of them to set them right.  I’d say spanking figures kids are too stupid to figure things out without Pavlov-style conditioning. 

    Post # 59
    Member
    429 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

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    @Nona99:  Okay, I was out of line there.  

    Post # 60
    Member
    526 posts
    Busy bee

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    @kittyfinn:  +1000

    My parents totally screwed me up.  I had to obey the first time they told me to do something, or I’d get spanked or humiliated.  I was spanked until I was 16.  Emotional outburts – which are perfectly normal for a teenage girl – were punished. 

    I remember one time I stole $5 from my mom’s purse (I was like, 7, and I wanted a candy bar – we weren’t allowed to have candy), and I had to do chores non-stop for 2 weeks (except for school).  Did I steal from my mom again?  Sure.  I was just more careful about not getting caught.  I don’t think I ever did get caught again.

    I have a mental condition called Sensory Integration Disorder.  Basically some textures are really abhorant to me.  I can’t STAND them.  Like baked zuccini.  It’s rubbery, and it makes me throw up.  Well, my mother didn’t care.  She maked a baked zuccini pie for dinner one night, and I went three and a half days with no food, because I refused to eat the zuccini pie. 

    I was probably more stubborn than most kids, but for every little thing I did wrong – breaking a plate, mild swearing, arguing – there was an awful punishment waiting for me.

    My parents have completely changed their parenting philosophy to one that is much more “permissive”.  I have a little sister that gets to make choices about what she wants to eat, what she wants to wear, and what she likes to do.  I am so jealous that I didn’t get to grow up like that.  It makes me sad and angry.

    But I don’t blame my parents – they were influenced by a very conservative parenting philosophy.  They did what they thought was right.  And honestly, I was a very stubborn child.  It took them almost 16 years to break my will.

    Post # 61
    Member
    4354 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Ya, “sitting down and explaining that bullying is wrong” won’t do crap except perpetuate society’s problem with “bubble children”, MOST if not ALL of the time that someone deserves a punishment they know what they’ve done and that it’s not right. I know that this girl knew that calling the other girl sleazy was wrong, so telling her again wouldn’t do anything.

    I love this punishment. It’s the same as making a kid who vandalizes something work for the people who’s property it was, cleaning it up or doing odd jobs etc.. this type of discipline is the oldest in the book.

    I say kudos to mom, we need to prevent our kids from being jerks.. all this bullying leading to suicide and kids killing eachother is due largely to a lack of real parenting. I don’t know when the switch happened where kids became so untouchable but I would have been seriously grounded and disciplined as a kid. I feared my parents control over me which made me obey them, I don’t feel like kids have that respect or fear anymore.

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