Post # 62
I’ll be honest, I saw the title of this and thought I’d be totally against it, but after reading the article I feel differently. I think having her daughter wear clothes that her daughter identified as ugly was a great and fitting punishment that showed why bullying was wrong. I would draw the line at taking pictures and talking about it on facebook though, especially if the daughter was aware of this. I’m not a parent yet, so I won’t pretend to know, but I think I would want my kids to be well behaved but also know that they are always loved no matter what and that they can come to their parents with whatever they have done. If my parents had gone to tell their friends when I screwed up, I would deduce that this lessened their feelings toward me and I would not be forthcoming anymore.
Post # 63
I think intentionally humiliating your child makes you a pretty shitty parent, to be honest.
Post # 64
When I was a kid there was not nearly as much public hate towards spanking. I deserved it sometimes! I think spanking works – kids have to know their parents mean business. Public shaming would also have worked very well on me, though I can’t remember my parents ever doing that.
Post # 65
@VegasSukie: Heyyyyy I used to have outfits JUST LIKE those! I was pretty darn cute in them! I LOLed when I realized that that was the punishment.
I think kid-shaming for social media purposes is so wrong. Sure it’s great if it’s a sane parent, but what if it’s not? What if it’s a parent who is humiliating a kid for no real reason? Or a reason that is not really logical by most peoples’ standards. I’m all for discipline, but considering the number of people I know (including myself) whose parents took out their own frustrations and insecurities on them in the form of discipline, imagine that manifesting in a way that is exponentially more embarrassing and long lasting. Imagine that those pictures are on the internet forever? That could be really hurtful.
Post # 66
Honestly, I think this punishment was PERFECT for the situation and I would gladly do something similar with my future children if the situation called for it!
Post # 67
Children are no less human than adults. Would you respond best to your own mistakes being addressed by public shaming, talked out, or being hit?
Personally, I don’t believe I ever deserved to be hit or publically shamed… especially not as a child. And I think that’s true for most people. Do you have to talk to your children differently than talking to adults? Absolutely. The younger they are the more that’s going to be the case. Does “talking it out” and having reasonable, non-shaming consequences, equal permissiveness? Absolutely not. I’m naturally strict… but hitting and shaming are not my go-to methods.
Post # 68
My parents were way more permissive than that, but I know a lot of others who were raised like you were. My parents were the typical “yell>ground>spank” types, and honestly that didn’t totally work out either. They NEVER stayed calm and that just made every situation worse (and they’ve admitted as much). I got into awful fights with my sister growing up. We didn’t really get all that close until the last year. They’d yell at us when we fought, which just put everyone in a bad mood, then they’d spank us once the fights turned physical. Never occurred to them to teach us how to deal with our differences peacefully, ever. And they didn’t know how to deal with my ADHD, and I had to learn totally on my own, which took a lot of time and effort– more than it really should have, and would have if any adult in my life totally understood what it was and how it could be handled without medication.
Post # 69
this. Honestly the only thing that upsets me about this punishment is that it made the news. I don’t think any discipline, no matter how great it is, should ever be so public because all it does is continue to embarrass the kid later long after they’ve realized what they’ve done wrong. With social media and all that, it really does last forever. Even if my kid were to be bratty in public, I’d make sure all cameras were put away when s/he apologized and made up for it. I’d never post anything like it on social media, because it really only serves the parents and gets them attention. It’s quite another to tell a friend “Oh, this is what I did when my kid did X… yeah, a bit unorthodox, but effective, and we laugh about it now.”
Post # 70
Oh man… figuring out ADHD on your own must have been awful. 🙁 I can definitely empathize with that. I’m glad your parents admitted (and hopefully apologized) that they were wrong. It definitely helps with the healing!
Post # 71
Hitting and public shaming aren’t the answer for me. I could never use nor advocate for those methods.
Post # 72
When I see a parent spanking or hitting a child, I don’t see a figure of authority. I see someone that is unable to control a small child with his words, his example and force of will. You are not allowed to hit an adult, who could press charges against you. Why are you hitting a child? Because it can’t fight back? I am all for effective, imaginative, consistent parental discipline. Spanking does not belong there.
Post # 73
I think all three poll options are acceptable punishment choices. It just depends on the child. I can’t say I would take a picture of the girl and put it on Facebook, I think that might be taking it a little bit far, but making her wear the outfit, fine by me. Bullying is very serious.
It’s not exactly the same, but somewhat similar. I had a friend in junior high who had major issues with keeping track of her lunch box. She kept forgetting it at school. Twice in a month, she completely lost her lunch box and her mom had to buy her a new one. Eventually, her mom got so irritated with her forgetfulness/irresponsibility, she went out and bought a very kiddy, obxnoxiously “baby-fied” lunch box. Every time she forgot her lunch box at school, she had to carry her lunch to school in the embarrassing lunch box for a week. It didn’t take very long before she got REALLY good at keeping track of her lunch box.
The same friend also had to wear a shirt to school that said “I LOVE MY MOM” in giant script across the front of it whenever she mouthed off to her mom at home.
I see nothing wrong with it.
Post # 74
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIS.
My older friends are all parents. Very few of them spank. Those that don’t still have very well-behaved children who are very polite, smart, responsible, and content with what they have.
There are ways of being strict without hitting or shaming. Some of those parents are pretty strict. One thing one of these parents told me was “You start out very strict in the beginning, then loosen up as time goes on and the kids have proven themselves responsible.” Most parents do the exact opposite.
Post # 75
Kids don’t care about a “calm and rational explanation” of what they did wrong 90% of the time. Sure, occasionally you get a kid that will either just nod and go along because they want approval, or actually understand, but children are inherently self-cenered beings. They are MADE to be that way, it’s in their programming. NO it is not appropriate to punish an adult in the ways it is appropriate to punish a child, you cannot treat children like adults. They are truly different animals.
I’ve studied developmental psychology, and what I learned is that some kind of punishment is necessary to make them really internalize why they shouldn’t do something, so that MILD fear and anxiety (yes, GOOD THINGS in this scenario) will outweigh the urges they have to do something they shouldn’t.
MILD fear and anxiety and shame are not damaging, in fact they teach the child how to handle these emotions in a safe space (at home) where you can also coach them through dealing with it if needed. Trying to shelter kids from those feelings in the home only leaves them confused at what to do when they do feel them out in the world.
For a very, very sensitive child, a scolding might be enough – only the parent knows what has an impact. A light swat, delivered without emotion, can also be effective and doesn’t not necessarily teach children that violence is an answer. (“light” and “delivered without emotion” are key.)
While I haven’t seen anything scholarly about public shaming, I can see how it would be effective – sufficiently aversive to control an urge to do that behavior again, and not harsh enough to be problematic.
Post # 76
It was a nightmare. I knew I was smart, but I could NOT remember homework, ever. It was always assigned at the beginning of the day, and I never got a chance to work on it until the end of the day after getting a bunch of other assignments, having to go to band practice, etc. In middle school I wrote on my hands and arms, but then everyone yelled at me so I stopped… and also stopped remembering my homework. College was way easier on my ADHD, because I could head back to my dorm/the library right after class, then do my work. And being in the library was most helpful, because I wasn’t at home with eleventy billion distractions. I also bought a little bulletin/white board to write assignments down where I could see it every single day. I didn’t have any of that in high school or middle school. Instead I had medication until the end of the first year at both schools, then nothing. The schools I went to, being rural schools in a VERY old-school part of the South, didn’t know what to do with me- they wanted a PEP or whatever it is, but I was in honors and AP classes. And those classes weren’t even challenging– I could get C’s with next to no effort, as the classes were all homework assigned to keep kids from going off and getting high after school with a few super-important tests and projects that I could remember and did well on. Every adult around me would just rattle off this long-ass list of stuff to do, then get pissed off when I could only remember the first two things and had to ask what the rest of the list was. Like, that’s ADHD. Yelling, screaming, and grounding did NOT teach me how to deal with it at all. College did, actually, because people there are less ‘LOOK AT ME I AM SO OLD SCHOOL AND TOUGH AND AUTHORITARIAN” and more “hey, if you need help, we’re here for you.” There’s a lot of support for college students with ADHD. And I couldn’t get any of it until I was away from my parents, out of high school, and just out of the awful town I was in. Where absolutely everyone is spanked, and is a pretty violent place full of assholes anyway.