(Closed) Public shaming of misbehaving children….thoughts?

posted 7 years ago in Parenting
  • poll: Which is the most acceptable/effective form of disciplining a child?
    Public shaming (child is not physically hurt but may be humiliated) : (72 votes)
    43 %
    Talk it out (does this even work anymore?) : (59 votes)
    35 %
    Give them a good spanking (without crossing over into serious physical abuse) : (37 votes)
    22 %
  • Post # 77
    Member
    7770 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    It isn’t black and white.  Every person is different (yes, children are people too) and need different things in order for the point to get across.  I never would have needed to be treated (and forced to be treated by others as a result) that way by a parent.

    I have taught children at private school (and nannied) and let me tell you- they aren’t all the same!  Children absolutely respond and understand rationalization, but what works for one might not work for the next- they are all different and some need different consequences to get through to them.

    That being said, I generally view publish shaming and physical punishment as abuse, and that the parent needs some help and should get a handle on better dealing with their child.  I am very strict, but there are better ways to do things!

    Post # 78
    Member
    378 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    @kittyfinn:  thank you!  I was thinking this too.people who say spanking is the only thing that works, do not do timeouts and consequences properly.  People will say, ohh but I’ve tried, I’ve read books, my child is different. 

     

    Then they get to school.  and those are the kids who can’t solve their problems at recess (and in the classroom) without hitting and yelling.  And the ones who tattle, and can’t hold a conversation with you about conflict resolution.  Those are the kids who only do the right thing when they fear punishment, not soley beacuse it is the right thing to do.

    Post # 79
    Member
    2777 posts
    Sugar bee

    I personally do not believe in spanking and I would never intentionally inflict pain on my children. I also would never purposefully inflict humiliation on my child. 

    Post # 81
    Member
    903 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I think it’s interesting that a few people have referred to being made to return stolen items as being a form of “public shaming” because I don’t think it is at all. In that situation, you are apologizing for doing something wrong directly to the person you wronged. That’s just good manners.

    Personally, I don’t believe in public shaming of this type. I think it just makes the parent look immature, like “You made fun of other kids’ clothes so I’m going to make you wear dumb clothes so other kids make fun of you!”  Um, what? This just doesn’t make sense to me. So she’s trying to teach her daughter not to bully by turning her into a victim of bullying, clearly fully expecting that other kids will bully her over these clothes. AKA, she’s turning other kids into bullies in order to teach her kid not to bully? 

    Post # 82
    Member
    7199 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @lovekiss:  I love you. Logical consequences are perfect.

    Personally, I don’t consider publically apologizing to be “humilation”. I think the kid that hit a stranger on the bus not only hurt that person, but made the ride uncomfortable for the whole bus, so therefore needs to apologize to everyone. I’ve had a woman in front of me in line at the grocery store have her son apologize to me for yelling and making my shopping experience bad. LOL

    Post # 83
    Member
    4464 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    The first point that I find important is that when disciplining or handling children there isn’t a one size fits all method. Every child is different, and while public shaming may bring about understanding and sensitivity in one child, it may close off and shut down another. The second point is the idea that consequences must fit the action. This helps children understand the idea of natural consequences. Young children don’t fear natural consequences the way grown children or adults do, but when punishments connect with the action, they have a better understanding of how natural consequences will play into their lives when they are older. I happen to be someone who feels very strongly about strong discipline, adults > kids, and I believe that adults needs to be authority figures. With that being said, I’m not entirely sure I would really spank my child. Like I said above, I am a believer that the punishment truly needs to fit the crime, and I can’t imagine when spanking would be the natural fit for something my child does. Maybe if I have a kid who is physically aggressive with friends or a sibling. Perhaps then spanking would be an avenue in which to show them how hurtful putting your hands on someone else can be. I was raised in a very strict household where we were taught respect, along with learning how to develop a high moral compass, but I was never spanked. 

    I don’t fully disagree with what this mom did. I think I draw the line at putting it on Facebook and sharing it in the news. Stop patting yourself on the back and just parent. I’m not against the child being embarrassed at school by wearing something she thought was ugly – I think that’s creative and can serve as a real life lesson in empathy by putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. But on the other hand, it needs to be said that the mom was fully aware that to some degree all the children would laugh at her and sort of “bully” her back. Perhaps Kaylee was just succumbing to nasty peer pressure when she called her classmate sleazy? Especially considering she had just won an award for stopping bullying. What I am against is the child being embarrassed on a national scale – how does that fit the crime? In my religion, we have a concept that when you embarrass someone publicly it can be akin to killing a person. It is a very complicated subject and I am referencing it in its most basic form here. There are many books written by scholars in my religion dealing with raising a child with proper discipline while still maintaing proper dignity for the child (bringing in the concept of not embarrassing someone). I also think that making your child apologize to a store for stealing merchandise isn’t considered “public shaming.” I wouldn’t even consider that a punishment – it’s just clearly the difference between right and wrong and taking responsibility for your actions, which unfortunately many children today aren’t being taught to do. 

    Post # 84
    Member
    429 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @star_dust:  Out of curiosity, what is your religion?  I love this post and am totally fascinated by your religion, now, lol.  I love studying religions, even though I’m an atheist.  I think that it has a good point re: public shaming.  I’m going to feel like a total moron if you’re Christian, because having been raised that way I should know. 

    Post # 85
    Member
    4464 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    @kittyfinn:  Not Christian – PMing you. 

    Post # 86
    Member
    7884 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    joya_aspera   kittyface

    I am interested to know what each of you would have done in the situation that I mentioned previosuly in this post regarding my daughter.  Do you think confronting my daughter’s stealing would have been more effective if we handled it behind closed doors? 

    It was not only the public shaming that was an important part of the lesson my daughter learned, but also the fact that the person she stole from accepted her apology and gave forgiveness.  My daughter had been afraid that this person she liked would never forgive her.  But the person said they were disappointed but appreciated my daughter bringing the item back and that she was forgiven.  The shaming should never just be for humiliation alone- but there can be a value to it.

    Post # 87
    Member
    1877 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @VegasSukie:  I think the most appropriate form of punishment depends on the child.  Some children listen better than others, and each child should be reprimanded in the way that is most suitable for their temperament and developmental stage.  There isn’t a one size fits all solution.

    What I can not stand is when a parent fails to reprimand a child at all.  If your little angel is acting like a monster in public, parents need to step up and do something.  I sympathize with any parent who is trying and don’t judge how they try.  It’s those parents that do nothing that I judge. I want to spank the parent for failing to do anything!

    Post # 89
    Member
    2598 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    @kittyfinn:  Here’s what I don’t get – when did shame, remorse, guilt and humiliation get such a bad rap?  Why are parents so horrified at the thought of their kid experiencing these emotions?  Why is there this rock solid belief that kids should never, ever feel bad about themselves because if they do, they’ll never, ever recover?

     

    When you lie, cheat, steal, bully or hurt others, you’re SUPPOSED to feel bad.  That’s how we develop a moral compass.  If you never feel bad when you do bad or wrong things – that doesn’t equal a healthy self-esteem – it equals a narrcissitc psychopath. 

     

    Parents who protect their kids from negative feelings or consequences – who tell them nothing is ever really their fault and look for excuses for the behavior so they can tell their kids they shouldn’t feel bad aren’t doing their kids any favors.  They’re hurting them.  Do you really want to raise the next Ted Bundy or Bernie Madoff?

     

    Post # 90
    Member
    2585 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    She was being punished for bulling a child for the clothes the other child chose to wear.  I think her punishment was perfectly acceptable.  In a sense, she had to walk in the other girls shoes to truly understand what it was like to be bullied because of a clothing choice.  Maybe that will make her think twice about her actions.

    Post # 91
    Member
    722 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    Dear Daughter is only 20 months so she obviously doesn’t always know right from wrong. Wether we’re at home or out, if she starts fussing because she’s not getting her way, I would and will never humiliate or spank her. I simply just tell her to listen to mommy than to calm down, it’s not a big deal and move on. This actually works very well, she’s a very very good child so she’s very easy to calm down or change her actions/behavior

    Post # 92
    Member
    429 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    @Zhabeego:  There’s nothing wrong with a kid occasionally experiencing those emotions.  There is a difference between them feeling bad for something they’ve done, and FORCING them to feel that way through pain and intentional humiliation.  That’s not shielding them from negative emotions or telling them that nothing is ever their fault.  That’s calmly and rationally telling them “You messed up, this is how you messed up, this is how you do better.”  Shaming and spanking doesn’t give kids the tools to do better, it just tells them “don’t do that.” I’m really not sure where you’re getting this from other than getting over-defensive and stereotyping a style of parenting you know absolutely nothing about.  

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