Puppy and DH – Emotional Mess

posted 5 months ago in Pets
Post # 2
Member
5811 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

I just do not think 4 days is long enough to adjust to the situation properly and make the decision to give her back. I’m surprised so many of your friends are telling you this. 

Also what if he changes his mind after having a baby for F sake?

He doesn’t get to say you decided this unless you ran off and brought the dog home with no conversation. One person is always going to be the one to bring it up other wise it would never be on the table, he doesn’t get to say “yes” but actually mean “no” and expect you to read between the lines.

I’m sure you are very emotional right now, I would be furious and struggle to not flip out at Darling Husband. I would continue to care for the puppy and even though it is so tempting not to, you need to go for the honey method with your husband to try and work through his issues and bring him round. 

Also wtf she doesn’t play fetch so she is “dumb”? That should be a serious red flag that your husband is not ready to TTC. They need to be taught fetch, you don’t get to not put in the effort to train a puppy and then call it dumb. Your husband sounds like an ass.

Post # 3
Member
7165 posts
Busy Beekeeper

Puppies are stressful. Very. Very. VERY stressful. Have you spoken to him since? It’s only been 4 days, which is really nothing. She’s still settling in. Once she’s more comfortable and older she very well might be playful and want to play fetch. 

Buuuut, all that said, it does kind of sound like you rail roaded your husband into a very expensive, 10+ year commitment. He absolutely should have spoken up, but this isn’t something that one should be wishy washy on. 

So, my advice. Let him cool down. If you havent spoken to him since, its hard to say whats going on in his head. Maybe he regrets what he said, maybe he stands by it. I’d also encourage him to give it a month or so. She’ll be more settled in, you’ll both be more comfortable with her schedule (and the adjustment to YOUR schedule!) and she will be a little bit older. If at that time, its still not working out, look at giving her back. But its only been FOUR DAYS! 

Post # 4
Member
7879 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

She is adorable! And adding a new member of the family will big a big adjustment, but I think your husband is being crappy. Only you know how your discussions went about getting a dog. But it sounds like if he was having hesitations he didn’t communicate them with you. I agree that you should think long and hard about ever having a human baby with this man. Oh, and I’ve had dogs all my life and some just don’t play fetch- including the 2 dogs I have right now.

Post # 5
Member
76 posts
Worker bee

To play devil’s advocate, perhaps you just caught your husband during a particularly stressful day / moment? Getting a puppy can be extremely overwhelming. My parents got one in February (their first dog) and for the first week they were so worried they had made the wrong decision and shouldn’t have bought her. My dad was extremely stressed about the fact that there was suddenly a huge responsibility in the house.

 

Fast forward 6/7 months and they couldn’t imagine their life without her. Bringing up a puppy is really hard work and it takes a lot of time, care and attention. However it is totally worth it. Suddenly everything slots into place and they become so much a part of your routine and life. Give it a little time and I am sure your husband will come round. 

 

If my father had it his way, we would have never got our little girl but when I ask him now whether he would ever give her back, he almost gets offended! He loves her to pieces and she is a very spoiled pup!! Don’t be too hard on yourself or your husband – it’s a big adjustment but will be worth it in the long-run. Best of luck bee

Post # 6
Member
1806 posts
Buzzing bee

She is adorable! I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I’ve been on both sides and it’s equally frustrating. My husband and I got a puppy before we were married because I really missed having a dog. He has had dogs before, but he is much more utilitarian towards owning a pet and is less attached to them, and rehomed them all at one point or another. I was warned of this prior to getting a puppy with him, so I was aware that the dog would be mainly my responsibility. My husband did help some, but the main burden was on me. Also, my pup had several gastrointestinal flare ups before he turned one, and there were at least half a dozen nights I spent up all night with him taking him outside to potty multiple times while his system flushed. My husband slept right through it. Bright side? Come baby time, I already knew that I would be the one on nighttime duty.

However, my husband brought home another dog that I was highly against, and just before I had our son. It caused me a lot of resentment. I gave it 18 months, and finally rehomed her to a wonderful single woman who could give her the love and attention our busy family never could. I was the one always home with both dogs and my son, and I was the one left to take care of her. The amount of stress of having this dog in my son’s first 18 months of life was downright unbearable, and I wished I had swallowed my pride and had him give her back immediately. 

Really sit down and talk with your husband and find out if this is something that he was just frustrated over that one morning, or if this is how he truly feels. If this is not something he is going to get over, then I would seriously consider giving the dog back. However, if you decide to keep the dog, I would also recommend that you  put it through proper training before any kiddos arrive, because your time and your focus is going to shift dramatically after baby is born. 

Post # 7
Member
8614 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ohsomrsr15 :   it’s not like he came out and told me he didn’t really want to do this

That sentence right there jumps out as a red flag for me. Did he enthusiastically say “omg YES I cannot wait to get a puppy!” OR did he just not fight you on it? That’s a big difference.

Also just because someone doesn’t want a dog doesn’t mean they won’t be a good parent. But I would still pump the brakes on TTC for the time being while you work on your communication. Babies magnify every little issue in a marriage so you really need to be starting on solid ground and be good communicators. 

Post # 8
Member
1073 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2019

I straight up couldn’t be married to someone who talked about a dog that way and said to give her back. You make that commitment for life, barring EXCEPTIONAL circumstances. Also his inability to communicate on this sheds light on a deeper issue. He dismissed you as irrational, that’s a big no no

Post # 10
Member
2108 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

ohsomrsr15 :  the puppy isn’t going to just fetch straight away? She’s 13 weeks old. Fetch is something that is developed through playing with your dog. Your husband is the dumb one here.

Does he think a newborn baby is going to want to play all the time? He’s had the dog for 4 days and from your post it doesn’t sound like he’s actually helped all that much with her. I think you’re right to hold back on TTC because a baby is going to be harder work than a 13 week old puppy.

I know the bee is always quick to throw the leave card out but it really would have me questioning my relationship. I loved my dog before we’d even picked her up and for my husband to say he didn’t want her would have broken my heart. Especially if it was down to his lack of communication skills. I don’t know if I would get over getting attached to her and having to give her back, especially when he could have communicated his issues more clearly.

You’ve been together for 12 years so has his communication always been an issue? Is he working on his communication? If not, how is he going to communicate with you when a baby comes along?

Post # 12
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

There is no way in h*ll that I would get rid of my dog just because my husband was upset. Puppies are a TON of work, thus why I adopt older dogs..I’m just not a puppy person 🀷🏼‍♀️ 

I volunteer in dog rescue and see this all too often. It is so incredibly sad. 

If he thinks this puppy is hard, he may want to think about if he is really ready for a newborn. 

Post # 13
Member
5498 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

My concern is that he just expected you to knowwww that he didn’t want the dog because he wasn’t excited πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„ then turning around and telling you that you’re emotional and irrational πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„

I’m glad you stopped ttc for now, I have zero tolerance for game playing and that’s what he’s doing. You’re supposed to read his mind and then it’s your fault when you misread what’s in his head. Then when you call him on it, YOU’RE being emotional and irrational πŸ™„πŸ™„πŸ™„

I would be done with this and done with the games. He can learn to communicate or you can rehome him.

Yuck

Post # 14
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

ohsomrsr15 :  Oof. 

First of all, your pup is adorable!! My husband had a hard time adjusting to life with our pup. We’ve had him for almost a year now but the first few weeks were rough and there were times I knew I was 100% invested and he was 50% there (not always though).  I was the one that really wanted a dog after TTC unsuccessfully for a fe wmonths. He was never directly opposed but wasn’t thrilled about it either. But he definitely stuck it out and adores our guy and is the best dog Dad.

I feel like 4 days isn’t a lot. He’s probably tired and it’s feeling a lot more overwhelming that he expected. Maybe give it a month to see how he adjusts? I also find the mean comments about the dog super concerning though…

Post # 15
Member
8614 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ohsomrsr15 :  did your husband meet this puppy before agreeing to bring him home? Dogs have personalities too and sometimes it “clicks” and other times it doesn’t. I love my dog – he and I basically fell in love at first sight. My husband loved him but our dog was a rescue and a little afraid of men, but he liked my husband more than most. They were soon best buds too. I met a dozen other dogs the day we met our boy and I didn’t feel a connection with any of them. Also was your mom’s dog older?

I’ll be honest – I hate puppies and would never get one. I also hate newborn humans. It’s a ton of work and not much fun to get a small creature started in life! You couldn’t pay me to adopt a puppy younger than 6 months. Perhaps your husband would just do better with an older dog?

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