Puppy and DH – Emotional Mess

posted 4 weeks ago in Pets
Post # 16
Member
4811 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Did you at all research Pomeranians before you got one? They’re perfect for people who love the breed, like my mom and my brother do. Growing up we had 5 (5!!) Poms, and my now married brother also loves them and has one. They’re a lot of work. Yappy, hyper, but oh so loving. They need patience and a lot of it. Stella will be happier in another home that will appreciate her breed and temperament. Lots of pom lovers out there will be so happy to have her and will train her. I wouldn’t get any pet with your husband.

Post # 17
Member
1251 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

Puppy blues are a very real thing and it sounds like your husband has a bad case of them.

Rule of thumb is typically to give a new dog 2-3 weeks before making any decisions about keeping or rehoming as it takes them that long to figure out the routines of the new home and to settle into them — although that’s more for adopted dogs. Puppies are a bit of a special case because they are so dependent for quite a long time and don’t really know how to fit into a routine yet.

It also sounds like you and your Darling Husband need way better communication. Making life decisions (like getting a pet) should never be “obvious”, it should be both parties clearly stating their position, working together to figure out what the model of care is going to be, and figuring out the budget/finances. By both actively participating in the second two pieces of preparation it’s making it clear that both partners are on board for this.

Sounds like you two need to have some very calm heart to hearts, perhaps with professional assistance. This isn’t about the puppy, this is about serious breakdown in communication.

Post # 18
Member
3038 posts
Sugar bee

ohsomrsr15 :  im sorry but…

ITS BEEN FOUR FLIPPING DAYS!!!

There is an adjustment period and FYI a baby has a LOT LONGER period than 4 days.

I know, i know, babies and pets are different and what people are willing to put up with from them is different. But … i think your Darling Husband is being a dick. 

If he had an issue, he should have spoken up much sooner. Not saying anything makes this his problem as much as yours. The other thing that strikes me as off is that you had no idea he didnt want this dog. Did he lie? Did he not say anything and you just assumed? That is probably where you need to pin point this the most. I feel like he just changed his mind once he realized it wasnt all fun and games. 

 I would have a discussion about this and let him know you BOTH made a decision to open up your family and its still an adjustment. Hopefully he will give it more time. 

But if he is so against it, give the dog back. She eserves to be in a home whdre she is wanted, But id be cautious about TTC with someone who wants to give back a dog after 4 days. 

 

Post # 19
Member
9670 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I can’t imagine adopting a dog just to turn around and give them back 4 days later. It wouldn’t even be an option to me. So much about this would be a dealbreaker for me. Because returning the dog feels like a deal-breaker, knowing I could never trust him to get another pet (meaning I can’t ever have another dog) feels like a dealbreaker, and his complete inability or willingness to communicate is yet another dealbreaker. I definitely wouldn’t want to be TTC with someone like that.

I would not be talking about giving the dog back. I would refuse. Maybe that’s not the best advice or the right way to handle it (his feelings matter too, blah blah blah) I don’t care. I would not give the dog back.

Post # 20
Member
579 posts
Busy bee

Your husband sounds like an immature tool bag. 

Post # 21
Member
880 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I’m curious if anyone has actually had a puppy that’s commenting saying your husband is a dick. Granted, he didn’t approach it correctly by lashing out at you. But puppy blues are ENTIRELY normal and very, very common. Especially only at 4 days in. To me it doesn’t sound like he actually wants to take her back, just that he’s pushed to his limit and it’s his first thought on how to relieve it.

A puppy totally flips your life around. It needs 24/7 supervision. It bites you all the time. It probably barks and jumps on you. It won’t sit for cuddles, it doesn’t know how to play with you. You have all the responsibilities of a dog, but nothing that seems to make it “worth it” yet. If this is his first puppy ever, I can understand even more why he lashed out. 

I got my first puppy back in January and went through many of the same emotions. I questioned if we should’ve gotten her, did we make a huge mistake? Those are all completely normal thoughts to have in the beginning because it is TOUGH. It doesn’t mean you’re a horrible person, it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have kids. It’s just overwhelming and you think “what did I get myself into.”

Especially during stressful moments, those thoughts get exasperated. He handled it completely wrong, he shouldn’t have lashed out, but I don’t think this is such a red flag. He’s likely overwhelmed, stressed, and tired. I would speak to him again when you both aren’t stressed and address the situation. Ask him to ask you for help if he ever feels overwhelmed instead of bottling it up. It doesn’t help anyone if his go to reaction is to take it out on you unfairly.

And in the meantime, there are actually a lot of other online forums dedicated to those with puppies and the puppy blues. I’d have him look through those. It might make him feel better. And I wouldn’t take the puppy back. It takes way longer than 4 days to adjust to the pup. He’ll likely start feeling better in a couple weeks time.

ETA: In my opinion, this doesn’t have any bearing on what it’s like to have a kid. I wouldn’t put off TTC just because my husband got overwhelmed after a couple days with a baby dog. I WOULD put off TTC for the communication issues it seems like you have with each other, though.

Post # 23
Member
6805 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

ohsomrsr15 :  “But I honestly don’t know if I can handle living in a home where there is tension. How am I supposed to cope with that and raising a puppy?”

I don’t know…I’m getting the sense that there’s a lot more going on under the surface here than just these puppy problems. Were you two going through a bit of a rough patch in your relationship already? Were you hoping this puppy would help fix things in a way? Bring you two back together? You mention communication problems and now it seems like not only are you re-thinking TTC (which I believe, yes, you should definitely put that on hold) but it sounds like you’re thinking about keeping the puppy but ditching the husband? Or am I just reading your tone all wrong?

Post # 25
Member
663 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2007 - City, State

ohsomrsr15 :  having a baby is different. I have had 4 babies with great joy and happily adjusted and sacrificed. While I like dogs well enough, I am not a pet owner, and we had one puppy that we rehomed because I couldn’t handle it (and I have said no to the repeated requests of my family to get another dog because it isn’t fair to the animal). You can be a baby person and not a pet person. Your reaction to him not wanting the dog is extreme. My husband pushed me into getting a dog, I was not excited, and he kept pushing. This is going to wreak havoc on your marriage. Rehome the dog.

Post # 26
Member
433 posts
Helper bee

First of all, Stella is just so cute! Poms are my favorite.

Second of all, I really feel for your plight. Your Darling Husband was being ridiculous by expecting you to read his mind. Saying ok to the puppy but secretly meaning no….what? Totally unfair. And I agree – if he cannot handle a puppy, how is he expected to handle a baby – which is a much bigger, expensive, stressful, time consuming, and lifelong commitment? I think you’re wise to hold off TTC until you can resolve this. In the meantime, I’d keep Stella.

Post # 27
Member
4811 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

ohsomrsr15 :  Stella could very well become an amazing emotional support to you. 

Post # 28
Member
8832 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

ohsomrsr15 :  How does buying a dog kickstart your TTC process?

In any case, it sounds like you’re using her as a practice baby, which isn’t fair to any of the parties. It’s also irrational imo, although his delivery sucks. Whatever happens with the dog, I think it’s wise to postpone TTC until you sort out your communication issues, which are on both of you. He should definitely voice his feelings. It’s not fair to expect you to read his mind. On the other hand, saying “you always do this” is not fighting fair and it shows that you are aware that he sometimes says “no” by not saying “yes.” Accepting a passive response is fine when you’re choosing what to watch on Netflix or which restaurant to go to. If he doesn’t really like Thai, maybe he’ll start using his words when he gets sick enough of Thai. nbd in the meantime. But when you’re talking about a living creature and upending your lifestyle for 10-20 years, that should require an active affirmative agreement.

Post # 30
Member
557 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

I’m not commenting on the entire post because you have great advice already but 3 things:

“he saus she’s weird looking (merle pom with one blue and one green eye),” – sorry what, a grown ass man is complaining he doesn’t like a dog because it’s weird looking

“and isn’t the most playful dog ever.” so he stormed away to the bathroom because the puppy wouldn’t play with him .. again a grown ass man?

she doesn’t play fetch, which he thinks makes her dumb!!!!” AGAIN you are telling me a GROWN ASS MAN said these things.

Girl defo put the TTC on hold.. he sounds like a child himself. 

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