Puppy and DH – Emotional Mess

posted 5 months ago in Pets
Post # 61
Member
5509 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

Newgirl87 :  no, I would rehome him if he made a habit of calling me irrational and emotional. I would rehome him if he actually expected me to read his mind and then got upset with me when I failed to do so.

My reply was based on his ridiculous games, I would not play. If my husband pulled that crap, it would be the last time he did it because I would tell him that I would not tolerate it

That includes communication on my part too of course, standing up for myself and telling him to cut the shit

Post # 62
Member
3505 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

Sansa85 :  exactly. 

This is the type of bullshit that people need to have zero tolerance for. Put up with it once and suddenly you find yourself constantly trying to read their mind and, more ofen than not, failing. And of course, then you’re stuck begging forgiveness for your failure. 

This is NOT how grown ups communicate. 

Is it possible that OP could have communicated better as well? Of course. If Darling Husband really was behaving like he wasn’t excited for the puppy or seemed like he was only agreeing to avoid an argument, OP should have paused and asked if he really wanted to do this. Perhaps she noticed but decided that she wanted a puppy enough that unless he said something she wasn’t going to broach it, which would not have been the wisest approach. However, the onus was on the husband to speak up and he chose not to. And how he’s handling the fallout from that failure to speak up is particularly problematic. 

Not only did he expect her to realize he didn’t want the puppy even though he never said so, he then got worked up and refused to use his words to explain why he’s upset, again demanding that OP read his mind and figure it out herself. Then he has the audacity to get angry with her for it and accuse HER of being irrational and emotional? Hell Naw. 

Sorry buddy, you don’t get to flip out at your wife, not use your words to communicate what you’re upset about and how she could help address the issue, and then tell her she is too emotional and irrational …. 

Post # 63
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: December 2019

Puppies are very very stressful.  I don’t think that people realize how much work they are unless they’ve had one before.  The good news is that it does get better…a lot better…but not in 4 days! It is a huge adjustment to add a puppy to the family, and for your husband to expect that you will be completely adjusted in 4 days is unrealistic.

I think it is too early to talk about giving up the puppy but I am not in your relationship.  I also think it is completely unfair that your husband thought you should know that he definitely didn’t want a dog, even when he didn’t explicitly say it.  Even if he “didn’t act excited” it shouldn’t matter.  If he didn’t want a dog, he needed to straight up tell you that.  Anything short of that is unacceptable.

Post # 64
Member
246 posts
Helper bee

It’s not even been a week and you haven’t had enough rest. I hope you won’t be making any decisions at this stage and will let things calm down. What your husband said was foolish but we all sometimes say things that we go on to regret later or can’t believe we said in the first place. 

Post # 65
Member
11194 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Sansa85 :  

This.  Exactly this.

The husband is an arsehole and Stella threw a klieg light on it.  Dear gawd, I hope OP does not have a baby with this guy.  The last thing they need is another innocent and helpless hostage. And she would be stuck with him for a couple of decades.

It is not possible to have a healthy, grownup relationship with a person who expects you to read their mind and blows up at you when you don’t.  That’s toxic as hell.

I still want to know from whence Stella came.

Post # 66
Member
11194 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

llevinso :  

If you’re talking about “Hey, babe, is this a good time to talk about the puppy?”, I agree.  That’s how grownups talk.

If you mean eggshelling around, hoping to catch him in a good mood (this requires a bit of mind reading); no, I don’t give out that kind of advice.

Post # 67
Member
11194 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Newgirl87 :  

sassy411 :  you seem to throw a lot of sass in your reply lately…

Awww, thanks, Bee.  Just tryin to bring my A game.

Post # 68
Member
6865 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

sassy411 :  Yes that was what I was talking about and what I assumed the PPs were talking about as well. Everyone is going from 0 to 100 really quickly lately here. 

 

Post # 69
Member
8629 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

sassy411 :  your comment made me giggle because my dog is a lab shepherd mix. He’s a terrible retriever. If you throw a tennis ball across a field he just stares at you like “hey lady you threw my toy and I think YOU should be the one to go get it”. After years of trying I just consider him a lost cause in the fetching department. However he knows all of his commands and is super lovable and gentle with out toddler even when she was learning and sometimes accidentally rough with him. And there is one puppy that nipped me and my daughter once and he remembers – he won’t let that dog anywhere near us (and he’s normally submissive to other dogs, zero alpha tendencies in my pup). In my book he’s smart where it counts! 

Post # 70
Member
3929 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

 sassy411 :  I didn’t say it’s ideal that she has to wait until he’s having a good day to discuss it, but he’s already proven that he’ll get up and walk away when he’s irritated, so if OP wants a constructive conversation, it’s not going to happen when he’s already agitated. I dont know about you, but when I’m having a shitty day, I really dont want my Fiance to want to sit down and hash out an ongoing issue in that moment. If it’s not urgent, it can wait for a better time. 

llevinso :  Thank you, I didnt really think it was an outrageous suggestion….

Post # 71
Member
11194 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

LilliV :  

So funny!!!

I have tested puppies as young as three weeks for retrieve instinct with crumpled paper balls.  I picked a male once that way many years ago because I knew he would be a good working prospect; he was eager to do something for me.  His brother was more standoffish and gave me “Why are you throwing shit at me, human?”.

Sure enough, I had my puppy thoroughly tested by a police K9 trainer to qualify us for possible volunteer evidence search training.  The trainer *loved* him and told the K9 officers that this is exactly what you look for in a puppy.

Of course, it’s not all upside.  The same pup never stopped retrieving *everything*.  When my ex tried to plant a baby tree, there was my dog, faithfully bringing back the dirt clods.

Post # 72
Member
8629 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

sassy411 :  ha! It’s like herding dogs – some just have those instincts really drilled in there. Our friend has a corgi and he tries to herd us constantly. Heaven help you if you just try to go to the bathroom! He’ll be following you and trying to get you back to the group the whole time hahahaha. 

Post # 73
Member
10106 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

It’s been four days, he needs to stop being a vagina.

Post # 74
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee

sassy411 :  Oh my gosh, that tree story is priceless. I love it.

LilliV :  Growing up, our neighbours had a pool in the backyard and the dog would always try to herd us kids back into the water if we got out to use the diving board or do a cannon ball. Instincts are strong for sure haha.

Post # 75
Member
6652 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

OP- I’m sorry to hear about your mother. That is upsetting and stressful and I hope she is recovering well and that you get some good time to recover from the upset as well.

You may find that this dog situation is exactly what you and your husband needed to “kick off your TTC process”. It’s wise that you have put that endeavor on hold, but the addition of the dog has highlighted some areas where the two of you clearly have an urgent need for some work. 1- Communication- obvs- that’s been pointed out multiple times. But also- I noted that YOU are the one doing all of the work with the puppy while your husband grumbles and then then blows up about his grievances. If you think doing everything for a whiny puppy is stressful or exhausting- a baby will be exponentially so. That dynamic, combined with your husband’s childish approach to this situation do not bode well for the success of your marriage if you become parents without first doing A LOT of growth work.

For the time being, I think you should focus on taking care of yourself and the dog. Get some down time and recharge and then see how you are feeling and how your husband sounds. You may both be in a more present and grounded place and able to approach the discussion and each other more effectively. You may find that getting the dog clarified some things about your husband that you’ve been thinking for a while.

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