Post # 16
kiram : “You love the idea of having a wedding soon, but not the idea of who you will be married to.”
This is so true for many I see waiting on this board for a proposal. I was this person myself once in my younger years. Its something thats hard to articulate but I think you hit the nail on the head!
Post # 17
I think you know what you have to do, you are just having a hard time doing it. I know it’s hard after so long together, but don’t stay with someone just because you’ve been together so long. You’ll only end up being together even longer when you finally do break up or divorce.
Have you heard of the sunk cost fallacy? You’ve invested so much time, energy, and emotions into the relationship. It seems crazy to give all that up, like a waste. But that’s not true. What’s done is done. There’s no point in continuing to invest further time and energy and whatever into a relationship that is not working for you. It’s not going to get you your years back, it’s just going to make you unhappier and worse off.
Post # 18
beeinca2019 : walk away. When people date, feelings of insecurity/making the wrong decision only get worse and more intense when once married. Most of my divorce friends “knew” something wasn’t right before they married their now ex husbands. They had stories very similar to yours. Don’t force it if it’s not meant to be. You saw a side of him you don’t like. Don’t ignore it.
Post # 19
Trust your gut. If I were you, I’d break up with him and live a wonderful life with my dog.
Post # 20
- Wedding: Scotts ~ Walnut Creek
This is how I felt about your bf as soon as I read he was constantly yelling at a puppy. The puppy is hardly the source of your relationship issues. DO.NOT.MARRY.HIM.
Post # 21
- Wedding: December 2017 - Courthouse
beeinca2019 : Just from the post when you said you’ve always had a nagging feeling that he wasn’t the one, you shouldn’t get married, etc. I would say listen to your gut in these situations. If there’s something not right, even if you don’t know exactly what that might be, you really shouldn’t stay with him.
There are quite a few posts on here with women posting only a few months into their marriage saying they think they made a mistake and most of these women say they were unsure about their relationships from the get go. It’s better to break up now in your late 20s than to get a divorce a few years later in your 30s. Breakups definitely aren’t easy but they’re easier than a divorce.
And in terms of the puppy situation, I would be super upset. It sounds like not only does he not like dogs (something that sounds important to you) but he is cruel to them. And like some PP said, you don’t know for sure, but what if he were to treat a newborn or toddler like this? To me yelling at a puppy and being so hard on it would be a deal breaker on it’s own as I’m a huge animal lover.
I think most of the Bees are saying the same thing. It sounds like for your own happiness it would be best if you ended it.
Post # 22
You’re not even remotely compatible. Like, at all. thank u, next.
Post # 23
Are you dating my jerk of an ex? Because he lied to me about his past and lied to me about our future. He was mean to my dog in a way of he didn’t help me take care of him, yelled when the dog made a mistake. He was such an asshole in many other way.
You say you already had doubts. Listen to that and leave.
The stupidest quote opened my eyes.
“Don’t marry someone you wouldn’t want a child to be just like.” is this really the kind of man you want a family with?
Post # 24
Take your sweet puppy and GTFO! You’ve already spent 4 years feeling apathetic towards this man. You deserve love and happiness! You deserve to be with someone who makes your heart burst with love just like your puppy 🙂 Don’t settle for mediocre because it’s easy.
Post # 25
beeinca2019 : It shouldn’t be like this bee. D.H. and I raised our first puppy together right after we got engaged and yes, having a puppy is stressful (especially when I’m a light sleeper and D.H. is not, the puppy only woke ME up!) but it was overall a really fun exciting time for us since we both adored our little pup and had fun training him to be a good puppy citizen. This alone would make me question the relationship if it is something that is important to you (as it is to me), but considering you have doubts about other big things, like religion, I would move on.
You don’t have to have a big reason to “justify” breaking up. Sometimes things just don’t work as well as you’d like and you’d be happier with someone with different qualities. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that! I think you should trust your instincts and move forward before you guys get engaged. You don’t want to hold onto someone when you could be meeting someone who is a much better fit for you.
Post # 26
beeinca2019 : yes but starting over can be a GLORIOUS thing! You will open yourself up to a life of freedom and the chance to meet someone so much more compatible.
I left my husband in June 2016. I went overseas with my family and cried the whole time. I came home and moved into a delightful flat with a girlfriend. I got to decorate and furnish my flat however I wanted and that in itself brought me so much joy. I had no money so I bought second hand. I started painting again. I could cook seafood! (My ex husband hated seafood).
And in August 2016 I met my partner who is WAY more fun, far more patient, loads more supportive, heaps more handy (he can fix anything and is lovingly sorting out our home), an awesome cook, etc etc. And we have a 4 month old son whom we are madly in love with.
I started over at 33. Best thing I ever did. I pat myself on the back about it all the time. I shudder to think what would have happened if I DIDNT start over. Follow your heart. Xx
Post # 27
Honestly you should just leave and find someone who loves dogs as much as you do. You’re not happy in the relationship and have never really loved this guy, so just go find someone you do love and let your boyfriend find someone who loves him.
My Boyfriend or Best Friend wants a dog. I hate dogs in general; there are a few individual ones I like. At some point we will probably have a dog, but I know there will be stress and annoyance and probably some tension. I’m willing to compromise by having the animal at all, but if my Boyfriend or Best Friend judged me for being stressed about the animal or chose the animal over me then I wouldn’t be happy about that
You both deserve better.
Post # 28
Totally agree, Bee. Children and pets certainly are not the same.
That said, their are issues with this particular guy that are very concerning if there is the possibility of fatherhood. The most alarming of which is his jealousy, not just over the attention that OP is showing the dog, but he is jealous of the love that OP feels for the pup. That is the language of a controller. They do not handle babies and children well. Many can’t cope with their partner’s pregnancies. They can escalate into much worse behavior.
Post # 29
sassy411 : This is, I think, the second time recently that I’ve seen you use DEFCON levels in your comments. I just wanted to fyi that DEFCON 5 is least severe and DEFCON 1 is most severe.
OP – Leave this guy ASAP. He LIED to you about growing up with a dog?!?!? Who lies about something like that? The yelling at the poor, defenseless puppy IS abuse. That dog is now traumatized, and you will likely be dealing with behavioral issues stemming from this treatment from one of his primary caregivers for a long time.
You’ve always had doubts, so this is a no-brainer.
Don’t let fear hold you back from a better life. I started over after a LTR at age 30. Met my now husband at 31 and we are now married and about to start TTC – I’m 34. And he’s by FAR the best guy I’ve ever met, much less dated. You make wiser choices when you’re older and more experienced.
Post # 30
Thank you. It’s helpful to see the non dog lover point of you. He has said many times he compromised by even letting me get the dog and I often think if he would have been honest about not wanting pets in the beginning I would have just walked away then. I knew having a puppy is hard but it’s soooooooo much harder when you both don’t feel the same about the puppy. I know he would be much happier without the dog. whitecollarbee :