(Closed) Push back the date for a stubborn friend?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
2107 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2016

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snowwhite09 :  I can imagine the snarky comments you’ve received. Every person here can imagine the snarky comments you’ve received because we’ve all received comments. Not necessarily the same comments granted but comments none the less. Everyone has an opinion on how to live your life and whether you’re doing it right. Everyone has received some type of comment about their relationship but it doesn’t mean that they get to claim their way is the right way. What you implied with your comment was no better than every comment you’ve received about your relationship. We all get the comments but it’s not your place to start the next round of comments for those who took a different path.

The advice should not be restricted to just those based in a similar situation because when you get a range of experiences, you get a range of knowledge. By someone living the “incorrect” way, they might be able to offer the OP the advice that sometimes when a religious woman has waited for marriage she can have trouble finding sex pleasureable in any way. Depending on the teachings of their church women can feel deep shame about enjoying sex. It’s highly unlikely that she will be able to get someone who was deeply religious, who moved her wedding date to have sex and then found out later that she couldn’t enjoy sex because of the messages she’d heard throughout her life commenting on the OPs thread at this moment.

Post # 47
Member
6879 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

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snowwhite09 :  “Just because some of us choose to live the RIGHT way- i.e. not needing to “test drive the car before you buy it” doesn’t mean that your way is the only way.”

Well isn’t someone being a gross Judgy McJudgerson? Get over yourself. 

Post # 48
Member
5547 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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snowwhite09 :  

The point of my post is the lack of maturity in you as well as op.

Wanting to get married after 6 months of knowing someone without living together solely to have sex the “right way” is immature. to think you can know someone inside and out in a month is immature. immature is ok, you’re young and haven’t experienced life’s lessons that give you that maturity.

Just because it’s worked for two whole months for you does not mean that anyone else’s opinion is invalid.

The reason why so many people are advising against it is because we are older. we know that we are not the same people we were at 19 and 21. we’ve done a lot of growing and changing.

Post # 49
Member
5547 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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llevinso :  

My daughter turned one in August and I am marrying her father in October 2017. Hahaha all I could think about is the snarky way she would treat me 😉 however, I’m happy and I couldn’t care less about others opinions on that.

Post # 50
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

OP, I just want to throw in a final thought…if you’re driven to be married because of hypothetical sex and you’re reconsidering the same marriage because your friend is “ticked”, no, you’re not ready for marriage.

Post # 51
Member
6879 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

[comment moderated for baiting]

Post # 52
Member
3682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

These are the kind of threads that I wish I could read the five year update on. 

Rushing into this marriage is not a good idea. Getting married to have sex is not a good idea. 

Post # 53
Member
5547 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

I wanted to share something.

I met my fiance two years ago. Two months after we met, I was pregnant. and it wasn’t an accident.

Everything ended up working out for us because we are a very good match for each other and watching him be a dad to the most important tiny creature in the world to me has made me fall even deeper in love with him.

I got lucky. it worked out and we are very much in love.

Would I use my story to encourage someone else to follow my path? absolutely not. I could have been a single mother, things could have ended so incredibly badly due to my impulsive decision. (I’ve had ten years of counseling and I just made an appointment to go back. I was too embarrassed to see my counselor when I got pregnant without thinking it through. going back is the whole “striving for constant self improvement maturity thing we are harping on you about)

It’s rare that it worked out for me and I absolutely understand that.

That’s something that is missing in your posts which is why people are a bit alarmed at your advice to op.

Post # 54
Member
1336 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Painswick Church and the Falcon Hotel

Wow does religion still tell you that you can’t have sex before marriage? I had both my children before I married my husband! Oooops 

Post # 55
Member
222 posts
Helper bee

Hey!  I am Christian also.  I do know that many congregations have a minimum rule of 6 months dating and 6 months engaged before they will agree to marry you, so this is a discussion that you might want to have with your pre-marriage counselor.  I’m not sure when you got engaged, but it sounds like your original timeline fits this criteria.  

Definitely don’t let your friends (or anyone) dictate your marriage or your plans as a couple, but at the same time, if your Maid/Matron of Honor has some concerns about the relationship, do hear her out.  That doesn’t mean you have to do what she wants, but if there are any specific concerns that she has, it may be helpful to consider them.  

If you guys do decide to move up your date, there are some things you’ll have to think about.  First, you’ll be planning the details of your wedding (and having to deal with moving the date for everything you might have already booked), moving, and adjusting to living with someone new (it’s all fun and games until you realize all the little annoying things they do…or won’t do), all while trying to finish up school.  While it’s exciting, it’s A LOT of responsibility and pressure to handle all at once.  You might also get questions from nosy or judgy people as to why you’ve moved up the date (aka: they’ll think you’re knocked up and having a shotgun wedding). Obviously who cares what those people think, but it is something you might have to deal with.  Also, definitely keep in mind the unexpected.  Will you be ok financially and in your relationship if you can’t find a job in your field immediately after you graduate?  What if you get pregnant right away?  What happens if your Darling Husband gets laid off?  I’m not saying don’t do it if that’s what you really want, but these are definitely some things to think about.  

From personal experience, I’d say that of the friends, co-workers, and church acquaintences I know who got married in their early 20s for intimacy reasons, maybe like 50% or more of them have since gotten divorced before age 30.  That said, I’d say that there are a lot of factors that go into this, not just the number of your age.  Many of them got married before they were financially stable.  Some of them got married before they realized that they hadn’t exerienced enough different relationships and other people to understand what they really wanted…and didn’t want.  Some of them found out things about their spouse that they didn’t see before they were married (they were an alcoholic, actually attracted to the same sex, had different life goals or their goals changed, one person wasn’t good at dealing with conflict or willing to work on it, abusive, cheating, etc. ).  The point is, there are a lot of factors that go in to determining if a marriage will work.  Does time make it easier to figure these things out before you commit?  Yes.  Does age and experience make it easier for both people to figure out who they are as people before they commit?  Yes.  Do people who get married very young or very quickly always end up unhappy or divorced?  No!  But, everyone is different, and your pre-marital counselor will be able to help you discuss and work through many of the things that could potentially cause issues in your marriage.  

Hopefully this gives you guys some things to think about and discuss as you make your decision.  Good luck!  

Post # 56
Hostess
3994 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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becks90 :  This.  My sister and her now husband waited and they got married nearly 5 years after they started dating.  It’s never a good idea to marry someone so that you can have sex.  You barely know your Fiance and are still very young.  I would wait much longer than next June and focus on finishing school and getting established in your career.

Like a couple of PP, I met my Darling Husband young too, at 18.  We are now 27 and though I know him extraordinarily well, there are still things I’m learning about him.  I can’t emphasize how much the two of us have changed over the 9 years we’ve been together.  Yes, we effectively “grew up” together, but we also grew apart for different reasons at various points.  I always encourage waiting to get married at least until the honeymoon period is over (1.5 years) if not longer, especially when the couple is young. 

Post # 58
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

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cmbr :  the thing is though, we DO see the updated versions of these types of situations. I don’t know about you or OP but I see “My husband is a stranger”/”I don’t know the man I married”/”He was great for the first 6 months and now he’s a monster”/”My husband likes to shit in diapers and I didn’t discover this until the honeymoon, what do I do now?” type threads almost daily. We all know how this ends.

Except if you’ve been married for two months and you do everything RIGHT, of course. We can’t all be perfect! 

Post # 59
Member
200 posts
Helper bee

First off, don’t get married to have sex.

Now that that’s off the table, In My Humble Opinion, if you want to get married, then at least take steps to ensure you are suitable. Live together for 6-12 months. A lot will happen in the first year of living together and often the first 2 years of living together is the hardest part of adjusting. Living together means not you sleeping over at his house 5 times a week, I mean truly living together, sharing rent, sharing chores, sharing the same space.

I met my Fiance in college. I spent 24/7 with him. When we graduated, we moved in together. The 1-2 years that followed were the lowest point of my life. I became anxious/insecure, he became avoidant, and the bad period began. Depression, anxiety, and fighting everyday. My life prior to moving in was amazing. I would have married him 1 month after we started dating.

I’m glad we didn’t. I’m glad we went through the shittiest time of my life. Now, many years later, we are getting married. We needed time to grow up as people and work out our issues. Time and therapy helped me.

OP, I hope you consider giving yourself some time. It sounds like you’re already wondering if you need more time. Don’t be afraid to take some time. 

 

Post # 60
Member
5547 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

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amycsoontobef :  

Bee, I’m not trying to be mean. you came to this board and opened yourself up to all kinds of opinions. my opinion is that if you think those troubles that you listed are the struggles that we are referring to that life can throw your way… those are not the struggles that we are talking about facing together.

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