Post # 1
Okay so here goes. Some backstory first:
My FI and I met in college about 4 years ago and have been dating pretty much since then. FI was living with 3 other guys, let’s call them B, L and M. They are nice guys and we all got along. Well senior year B starts dating a freshman girl and he begins to ditch his roomies to hang out with her all the time. This obviously upsets the guys since they never see B anymore but they can’t really do much about it.
Fast forward about 6 months later when L gets engaged. B assumes that he is a groomsman even though L didn’t really want to have him in the wedding party due to the fact that B abandoned him for his girlfriend. So L decides, what the hey, and includes him anyway. Fast forward about 8 months to L’s wedding day. Guess who is a no-show? That’s right, B didn’t even show up to the rehersal or wedding ceremony at all! He did call L the day before to say that he had to “work unexpectedly” but I noticed that his Facebook had pics of him and his girlfriend posted the night of the wedding. That couldn’t be a coincidence, right?
Well now it’s present day and as soon as B heard we were getting married he told my FI: “Hey congrats! No need to ask, I’d be happy to be a groomsman.” Now, I told my FI that he should just flat out tell him no because 1) it’s been over a year since they have talked last and 2)he doesn’t have the best track record of being a groomsman. My FI is much nicer than I am so he is thinking of giving in. If he does that means he will have 5 groomsmen while I only have 3 bridesmaids.
Bees, what should we do? Should we include him anyway or try and let him down nicely? Thanks for the advice!
Post # 3
I would tell him no because being there for a wedding is a big deal when you’re a groomsman and you can’t trust him because of past behavior. He’ll be invited but its not worth having a no-show in the bridal party just to keep him from being “hurt” (which I doubt he’d really be that hurt… he just might put up a fuss over pride). He sounds a teensy big proud and arrogant…
Post # 4
Interesting. Where did the other two groomsmen come from to make it be 5?
Post # 5
I don’t think you should get involved in it. I understand why you’re annoyed but it’s his relationship to manage, not yours. I dont think you’d want him dictating how to handle issues with your friends, right?
Post # 6
I say if your FI wants to give in let him, just prepare yourselves to not have any expectations of this guy helping or even showing up. I think if you hold your expectations low from the beginning, you won’t have to worry about getting upset when they come to fruitation, especially when we’re talking about a proven flaky groomsman.
Post # 7
I would just say no. If he hasn’t made an effort to be in your guy’s life as a friend and ditch L’s wedding, I would nip that problem to avoid any future stress or “back of your head” thoughts that he’s going to be a no-show. Or other wise talk to him and let him know how you feel and make sure he will be commited. Maybe this will give you guys a chance to get close to him again.
Post # 8
Eh, gotta let your man sort this one out. If you wouldn’t let him push one of your b.m’s out can’t do the same. TRUST. We have two groomsmen…one similiar to your sitch and a groomswoman who is just a bitc* that I’ve just decided in the end to accept because it’s more important to be united than pick fights over family/friends…
Now if your dude super doesn’t want this guy/the guy doesn’t approve of your matrimony…that is a whole nother situation
Post # 9
Hey everyone! Thanks for the advice/thoughts.
Just to be clear, I’m not trying to kick out this guy or make the decision for my FI. My FI just doesn’t consider this guy a friend anymore since they don’t really stay in touch but my FI is too nice to tell him no.
I asked my FI again today what he thought he was going to do and he is leaning more towards just asking him to be a guest at the wedding.
Post # 10
I agree this is for FI to deal with, but why is “no” so hard to say?
Post # 11
I can understand your apprehension but this is really your FI’s choice.
Post # 12
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
I would definitely encourage your FI to stand up for himself and say NO. This guy should not be in your wedding party if your FI doesn’t feel close to him. Your FI will be happier when the wedding rolls around and he doesn’t have to deal with him.
Post # 13
@msuwxnerd: I would say no just because he assumed after not talking for a year. And flaking on a mutual friend’s wedding. That’s insane.