Pushy MIL desperate for a relationship

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
869 posts
Busy bee

There has to be a compromise here.  Perhaps you could agree to go out to their house every other weekend and drive your own car?  That way, you wouldn’t be hemed into going too often or staying too long? 

Post # 3
Member
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2020 - Hopetoun House, UK

misskitty90 :  i completely understand.. don’t get me wrong i love my future Mother-In-Law, but everytime my fiance is out of town or busy she feels the need to keep me busy so I dont get “lonely” but she doesnt realise I have friends and I quite like to make the most of my own company when he is out of town. I think she does this cause I am only 22 and my family is abroad, so she has taken on the mother hen role too eagerly.

The best way to approach this for you is just to explain to your husband how you enjoy your own space and though you would love to spend the occassional weekend together, you do want some quiet time. But explain it to him in a manner where he understands that you do not mean any offence by it, and you are happy to be alone and won’t feel outcasted or lonely if he spends some time there without you.

As for your mother in-law, you should explain how you feel. She is an adult and should be understanding that you like your space, and would love to spend time with her but need your own time too every other weekend.

As long as your not confrontational about it, i’m sure everyone would understand. After I’ve done this my future Mother-In-Law completely understands but she would still reassure me that she is there if I need her.

Post # 4
Member
1056 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

I understand why you’d feel like this, it can be a lot to go there every weekend. I’d talk to your husband and explain in the kindest way possible, he should understand. He can then make excuses for you when you can’t come around. Something as simple as, “Sorry, she has a lot of errands to run today,” or, “sorry, she has plans today.”

Post # 5
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Oh man I feel for you Bee. My fi was traveling for business one weekend and his folks wanted to stop by to grab lunch (it was the weekend right after our engagement) and my fiance was like ‘well I have to fly out no later than 2 for my flight’ and they said, ‘oh we can just see your fiance’ and I literally looked at my fi and said, ‘Dont you dare leave me with them!” LMAO

He knows I love them. I love my parents too but I would feel so WEIRD being alone with them at this stage in the game lol I’m not a terrible person I swear it!

Just tell her you cant this weekend but maybe next or whenever the next time you’re available and if she asks why (which its really none of her business) just tell her you have plans or your grocery shopping or you’re working on a book, you’re reading, etc. You can say whatever you want at the end of the day its your time and she has to respect that. 

Good luck Bee 🙂 

Post # 6
Member
30 posts
Newbee

Get in good with the in-laws early. It will be worth it for your marriage. Some of the ugliest fights can be family and in law related.

Post # 7
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

avprobeauty :  The only way to get to know them and begin to feel comfortable with them is to spend time with them and get to know each other a bit. While it does require you to stretch beyond your comfort zone to have lunch with just them, I think you might have been pleasantly surprised if you had.

Misskitty90  Both my husband and I had a lot of alone time growing up and, because of that, it’s something we really enjoy. We’ve had to adjust our schedules to make time for family. Believe me when I tell you to appreciate what you have right now – it can be gone on the wink of an eye😢. I don’t think it’s necessary to go every weekend and I agree with PP  to use the excuse that you need to run errands. What about your family? Do you get a chance to see them often?

Post # 8
Member
908 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 1984

meredith13 :  This is very good advice. Making a family is not just about you and your spouse but also the extended families. Assuming there are no crazies, making efforts to get to know your in laws is always a good idea 😊

Post # 9
Member
522 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020 - New York, New York

If it were me, I would just be honest with her and let her know that you’re introverted, and that you’re happy to see her and you really appreciate the invites, but if you don’t get enough alone time, you feel exhausted and burned out. That way, she knows that it’s your personality and you turning down invites has nothing to do with her or your relationship. A couple ideas: can you set up a “ritual”, like the first weekend each month you take her out to brunch? Or can you do more “introverted” activities together that don’t require a lot of talking or interaction, like going to see a movie together or watching a TV show together? 

Post # 10
Member
1582 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Mrs.Bill :  Yeah we’ve seen them plenty over the last couple of years. A couple days at Christmas, we hosted. A couple days at Thanksgiving. We’ve stayed there a couple of times through the summers and we’ve gone cabinning with them…we see them at his sister’s roller derby bouts etc etc. I see them 10 x’s more than my own parents come to think of it! 

Post # 11
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Maybe you can set up a reoccuring get together with them. Like get dinner together every other Sunday. Maybe everyone can view it as, if you hang out outside of the reoccuring get together, that’s nice but not assumed or expected.

Post # 12
Member
4981 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

Did you already post about this?

You posted the exact same thing a week ago.

Post # 13
Member
177 posts
Blushing bee

lifeisbeeutiful :  one week ago and also 2 years ago. It seems to be very important issue for OP. 

OP, anything changed in those 2 years? Did you try to implement some strategies suggested on bee? 

Post # 14
Member
2179 posts
Buzzing bee

Maybe she needs a friend and this is her way of “asking.” I would try to make an effort, come up with something you are comfortable with and do that. If you don’t want to hang at her pool, suggest lunch one day or Sunday dinners like another pp suggested. I do understand needing your alone time, yet you say you don’t want to push her away, but if you don’t offer up an alternative that is what you are doing. Maybe even once a month if that is what you can handle. 

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