Post # 1
We’ve been having some issues with my MIL and I honestly just need a place to vent. We are about to find out the gender of our little peanut next Wednesday and its been nothing but drama!
Let me start out by saying my SIL is due about 3 months before us and invited MIL to the appointment where they find out the gender. At first MIL was pushing for them to have a gender reveal party, which they didn’t want at all. Eventually they were able to get her off of that track since she was the one who wanted it (not the parents). So she went to their appointment with them and it was kind of dropped.
When we first announced we were expecting the first thing she says (before contratulations) is ‘I’m going to be in that gender appointment’. Now I’m a pretty private person…I dont want anyone in there except my husband and me. So we’ve had to come up with a way to not hurt her feelings to tell her she’s not comign in the appointment. So after that things were quiet, UNTIL she announces that she will be in the lobby at the appointment so she’s the first one to find out this way we cant call and tell anyone before her. Again…not something we want.
So to not hurt her feelings AGAIN, we tell her we would rather do a dinner with her and my parents to tell them all at the same time. I thought we were in the clear. NOW we are finding out that she’s invited every aunt, uncle, cousin, family friend that she knows to the dinner.
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO HARD. She’s so up our buts and has to try to change everything to be what she wants. She does not take into consideration what we want at all. And my husband is not one to say anything to his mom when she’s being too pushy. He usually just says ‘that’s just how she is’.
I don’t want to go to this big dinner now. Husband and I are now disagreeing because he doesnt want to uninvite everyone to the dinner. At the same time my parents are backing out because they don’t particularly want to go to this dinner for something that to us seems very private/personal.
We would eventually tell all the rest of the family, we are not planning to keep it a surprise. I just wanted to be able to enjoy this special moment with just my husband and I and then with our parents. Is that too much to ask?
Post # 3
I would fall ill the evening of dinner if I was put in that situation.
Your husband has to step up here and be the one to tell his mom where the line in the sand is, and also that she passed it.
Post # 4
Geez I feel for you. That is super pushy. And you would think it wouldn’t be THAT big of a deal… it’s either one sex or the other – it isn’t a huge surprise or one that would require every last family member to join you for a dinner over it! You are pregnant and with most pregnancies (especially first ones) comes emotions, cloudiness, frustration, etc. It isn’t fair that your MIL continues to put you on the spot when you and your husband are clearly not ok with.
Is there any way your husband can talk to his mother privately and explain to her that you both are uncomfortable with all the attention and would just prefer to do things on your own time and in your own way? Maybe throw in a little “britbrit is stressed out and anxious and it would really help with her emotional state not to make this such a huge deal”?
Post # 5
Wow. No it is not too much to ask!! It is time for your hubby to put his foot down. I would have him firmly tell MIL that her inviting additional people when the plan was to have an intimate dinner is not OK, and that neither of you will be attending this dinner unless she contacts her family members to let them know that there is a misunderstanding. Let her throw a bbq or something in a few weeks to tell the rest of the faml if she wants that so badly
Post # 6
OMG I hate the “that’s just how she is” comment! My boyfriend uses that occasionally about his mom. That being said, your husband needs to stand with you on this decision! He needs to explain to his mom that while you guys are so happy she’s excited to be involved in all of this, you would both rather her let you guys make the decisions instead of her deciding everything. And HE doesn’t have to uninvite everyone to dinner. He didn’t invite them in the first place. She needs to do that becuase she was out of line. How dare her think that SHE should be the first to know over anyone else.
Gosh, she just makes me mad because she reminds me of a mix of my FMIL and my best friends MIL. And let me tell you what happened with my best friend’s MIL when her husband wouldn’t stand up to her…in the delivery room, my best friend lost a lot of blood so she wasn’t able to hold her baby right away. Her MIL wouldn’t stop asking to hold him. Well, finally her husband gave the baby to his mom. His mom held the baby before my best friend ever held her own baby!! Now three years later, there is still tons of resentment.
So, that is all to say, she needs to have boundaries in place now before something bigger and more serious happens. Right now, she is running the show and your husband is letting her get away with it.
Post # 7
I would do as the PP said and be ill that night and refuse to go. Your DH needs to stand up to his mom. If he doesn’t it is just going to get worse especially once that baby gets here.
Post # 8
WOW…just…wow. I’m usually the last person to say ‘boundaries’ with the in-laws (I married a Chinese man, his parents have no boundaries), but your DH really needs to put his foot down and have a very serious conversation with his mom. If this is how she is about the gender, how will she be at the delivery?
I get that your DH doesn’t want to say anything, but this is a big deal. You may want to have a long, calm, conversation with him about how you want the remainder of this pregnancy to go in relation to his mom and ask him how he can make it happen (propose it as a problem he gets to solve). Remind him that HE isn’t uninviting family, HIS MOM is (he didn’t invite them in the first place!).
If you want to avoid all of this at this time, just go ‘team green’ and tell everyone you aren’t find out the gender until the birth (even if you do, just lie until you are comfortable telling people). Keep in mind that this is just the first of many opportunities his mom has to be overbearing, so it isn’t a bad idea to deal with it now.
Post # 9
@britbrit: Wow. I would not be able to handle this. I would just be like, “Well I’m pregnant so I can really do whatever I want and YOU ARE NOT INVITED MIL!” Kudos to you for being so polite all this time.
Honestly, your husband needs to back you up. I don’t know how you should say it to him, but your relationship and your child are more important than his inconsiderate mother. It’s his job, not your job, to stick up to his mother for you. He needs to tell her that if she wants she and FIL can come to the dinner, but no one else, and if they don’t find that acceptable then you will just be dining with your parents.
Post # 10
@taraelisabeth: I would be beyond livid if anyone but me and my DH held our child before the other one got to. I’m actually kind of hoping that I go into labor and deliver in the middle of the night so we can just call people in the morning instead of having people in the waiting room.
Post # 11
I’m totally shocked that you’re being so nice still. If my MIL pulled this shit I would tell her to back off or you’ll just keep it a secret until it’s born. She’s way out of line.
That said, if you don’t want to upset people, I agree with PPs who say to be sick that night. It would be pretty embarassing for your MIL hosting a pointless dinner, but nobody would blame you.
Have you talked to your DH about his unhelpfulness?
Post # 12
Your husband is protecting his mother and not his pregnant wife……
Post # 13
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
You shouldn’t have told her when the appointment is. She can only show up if you tell her where and when. She wouldn’t even know who my OB/GYN was if my FMIL was being crazy pants like that.
As for the dinner are you hosting or is your MIL hosting? If she is hosting then she gets to invite whomever she wants but that doesn’t mean you have to show up. The best way to fix this is to host the dinner yourself or have your parents host so you can control the guestlist. Otherwise, deal with it for what it is and just be happy that so many people in the family care about you and your child. There are many families where new babies are completely ignored.
Post # 14
Ugh. So sorry you’re dealing with this. I have obnoxiously pushy ILs as well. I agree with the other PPs who have said that you (and your husband particularly!) need to stick up to your MIL. I think an important thing to remember is that MILs feelings WILL be hurt, and she probably WILL cause some sort of drama, but her feelings right now do not take precedence over doing what is right for you, DH, and your LO. It’s a hard lesson to learn, particularly if you’re the type of person who doesn’t like to hurt anyone’s feelings (I know I can be that way), but it’s so so so important, I’ve found. Maybe you could sit down with DH and lay it all out for him, explain to him why it is so important that you establish boundaries. I’m due in December with my first so don’t have kids yet, but I have confidence that a pushy MIL will only get worse once there’s a baby involved. It will be extra important when you have a new baby for your DH to set some boundaries with his mom, because you probably won’t have the energy/desire to be dealing with her as you’re adjusting to life with your new LO.
Post # 15
Plan a private lunch with your parents after the appointment, or some sort of private moment with them. If MIL wants to ruin her chance at a private moment and have someone there she’s an idiot but if you guys aren’t willing to uninvite everyone then what’s done is done. And it’ll screw her because your parents will know before her which is what she seems to be so concerned about.
Post # 16
I like the ideas of falling ill on dinner night 🙂 Or you could just tell her after the appointment that baby didn’t cooperate and you were unable to find out the gender (completely common!) Then she’ll have to cancel her dinner and you can do things on your terms.