- 6 years ago
- Wedding: July 2013
Bee incognito — I can’t risk anyone connecting the dots of who I am.
Two weeks from now will be a year since Fiance and I got engaged, and can I just say how much I regret getting engaged so early? I feel like I’ve done everything wrong and risked the ruin of our relationship because I was ready for something when he wasn’t.
Last year, I got drunk one night and asked him to marry me. He said yes and in the morning after a longer discussion about it, we agreed that it was what we wanted. At the time, Fiance was finishing undergrad while I was working my first post-college job. We had no money, not even for a ring, so I found a super cheap one and bought it myself (which I had no problem with b/c I always assumed once Fiance was working and had the money, he’d invest in something nicer for me).
In the year we’ve been engaged, our relationship has gone through a lot – almost all very good. We’ve bonded and grown closer than ever, and I know this is the man I want to spend my life with. The problem is, I don’t know if he is there yet.
We set a date of August 2013 around June of last year, which gave us over 2 years to plan and save. During the last year, there’s been a lot of planning but exactly zero saving. For the first 6 months out, Fiance couldn’t find a job. He finally found something in October 2011, which wasn’t great or what he wanted, but it brought in money and gave him benefits – yay! Unfortunately, a medical issue and an emergency surgery presented complications that didn’t mesh with the kind of work he was doing, and about a month ago he made the decision to quit.
At the time, I was apprehensive, but he was in so much misery due to this job that I supported his decision. Fiance is an intelligent man with a lot to offer the world, but he has a lot of trouble with initiative and setting goals, let alone reaching them. He barely survived school (we should’ve graduated together, but he needed a 5th year), and I hoped he would fare better in the job world but so far he’s not. Part of it is definitely the economy, but the other part I think is a lack of drive. He just doesn’t have much of a drive for anything.
We hatched out a plan shortly before he left his job to both start applying to jobs in Massachusetts and move up there together. I’m excited about this idea because I’d like to move on from this city (I’ve been here 6 years) and see what else the world has to offer. But on the other hand, I’m terrified because I have no savings due to supporting both of us for so long (I’ve had some medical stuff myself that required a LOT of money I didn’t have). I know people here, I’m comfortable here, I have a pretty good job here. What if I get something, move, and it doesn’t work out? Gah.
This week, Fiance is visiting his family up there (another part of the reason we’re looking into moving to MA). I was hoping he could get some interviews while he was there or maybe get in with a staffing agency (that’s how I found my current job) to find something. He messaged me just now that his aunt offered to pay him the equivalent of his former job’s 1-month salary to stay for the month of April and cook for them. Which I mean, great – it’s money and time to be in the state and find jobs, etc.
But I’m worried that he won’t be looking. That he won’t be applying. We got to talking about the wedding and the fact that we really need to book a venue soon because it’s getting close to the time when things for our date are going to fill up, and he was just so vague about it. I jokingly said, “Unless you want to put it off another year.” To which he responded, “Idk that might not be such a bad idea.”
My heart sank. Because I think in the back of my head, I’ve known this was coming all along.
Don’t get me wrong: I want a wedding. I want a really nice, fun, beautiful party to celebrate our marriage. But at the end of the day, what I want the most is the marriage – I want to be married to him, I want to be his wife, and I am sick of waiting for this. I’ve suggested a million ways to cut costs, do it on a budget and have it happen on our timeline. Every time I make a suggestion like that, he tells me he doesn’t want to compromise OR he reverses it and says, “Is that what you really want or are you just saying that?”
I’m afraid that he’s not ready to get married. I’m afraid he never will be. Love and marriage aren’t important within his family. His parents were together for many, many years but it was more of a cohabitation than a marriage. His aunt has never married. And that’s pretty much the only family he’s grown up with, so that’s all he’s known.
I know he loves me, but I don’t know if he sees marriage important. Or if he’s even ready for it. He clearly hasn’t grown up, and I feel like I got so much farther ahead of him that I didn’t see he wasn’t beside me anymore. We don’t want the same things anymore, but I don’t know what to do now – I don’t want to be engaged for 3 years or 4 years. 2.5 is long enough. I want to plan now. I want to get married next year like we planned, not in 2014 or 2016 at the rate we’re going…
But maybe that’d be the better option? Idk. I feel so lost. He just said to me, just now, “No matter what we have to do, I love you so much and I always will.” And I know he means it. I know he wants us to be together.
But I know that I pushed for this. I proposed to him. I didn’t let him get to the point of making this decision on his own. And I regret it so much.