(Closed) Put it off another year?! (long)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Sorry. mabey you should sit down and make a plan with him. if you DO decide to push the wedding back  make a budgeting plan and stick to it. My Fi and I had a discussion about it when we first got engaged.  He makes slightly more thanI do so he pust 250$ in our savings account where I put somewhere between 50$ and 150$ depending on the week.  Even if it is olny 10 $  it is something.  You CAN plan now,  start making your guest lists, looking at venues. Etc. We have an apointement with a venue next week.

Post # 4
Member
995 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@regrettingit:  You’re young, and you have time to figure out if this is the guy you want to spend your life with. He may be ready to marry you, but not ready to commit to a huge wedding when he doesn’t even have a career yet and is planning a huge move. He also probably feels intimidated by all of the planning involved with a wedding.

you need to talk, is it marriage he’s not ready for or a big expensive wedding? Are you willing to wait, or have a small wedding that doesn’t require a ton of planning? He probably doesn’t understand why you are in such a rush–since you are both pretty young and haven’t found your paths in life yet. Men sometimes feel like marriage is a milestone to signify the next chapter, like getting a house, having a child, etc.

 

You say he has a problem with motivation, but some people just have a different pace/priorities than others–he may never have a career that you approve of, are you ok with that? It’s not ok if you are feeling used though, you can decide to keep the finances separate for now so he can feel more of a sense of urgency about the job situation

Post # 5
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

 

I know how you feel. 

Me and Fiance getting engaged happened sort of the same way. We had discussed marriage, and he kept saying he was going to do something special, have a nice ring, etc (He knew I was upset because neither of my previous proposals were romantic in the slightest – in fact, I proposed to my ex H one leap year and really wished I hadn’t)

He was originally going to take me to Paris for my birthday and propose there.  I know it’s pretty cliche, but it has more meaning for me as I’m half French…but have never been to Paris.

Unfortunately lack of funds meant he knew he couldn’t do it.  We had been for a picnic with friends one day, had both got pretty drunk and were talking about it on the way home.  And I said to him ‘why not just do it here’…and he got down on one knee and proposed.  No ring, nothing.  I ended up getting a ring from Ebay for £50.  We really were skint at the time…like you, I thought we’d upgrade later.  If I mention it now, I get ‘you’ve already got a ring’…

That was back in May 2010.  We did both say August 2012, our anniversary date, would be a cool one to get married on.  It’s not going to happen though.  He’s also working away, and living with his parents.  He’s not saved a red cent, even though they have only just started charging him a (tiny) amount of rent.  He always blames it on coming to see me…

I wish we hadn’t got drunk that day and he hadn’t proposed.  I have no idea when we will get married. And I’m getting pretty depressed about it.  I’ve even said to him, ‘you only proposed because you were drunk’  He always says he still wants to get married.. I really don’t want the ‘wedding’, I just want to be married and together.  

Sorry if I’m not much help, I just wanted you to know you aren’t alone feeling the same way.

Post # 7
Member
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@regrettingit: I’d sit down with him and lay out all of your concerns that you mentioned in your post.  It sounds like he loves you and wants to be with you but like you said, just isn’t there yet.  I don’t want to sound preachy, but it really is super important to be able to really communicate with your Fi/husband.  

Perhaps you’d be more comfortable bringing all of your fears up to him with the help of a couple’s counselor?  I highly recommend counseling, if for no other reason than it gives you a “safe place” to bring up your feelings and you have an unbiaed, trained person there to help you interpret your feelings and those of your partner.  Plus, the counselor can help you say what you mean if you are having trouble articulating what you want to say to Fiance. 

Post # 8
Member
1962 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Some of what you said is similar to what has happened to me in the last few years. By the time we get married we’ll have been engaged for almost three years because my Fiance has been struggling to find a job with his degree. He does look for jobs, but the lack of opportunities in our area has caused him to lose his drive. He’s kind of gotten a “why bother?” attitude lately. We’re planning on moving after the wedding to an area that has more jobs open in his field. 

Anyway, we started out wanting the whole picture with a hall and everyone there to celebrate with us (almost 200 people thanks to our big families). After re-planning this wedding twice I can tell you that you have absolutely one thing that should keep you going. The important part is being married to him. I’ve gotten to the point with these costs that I was even considering eloping because I just wanted to be with him. We’re not doing that, but through all of the planning I tried to suggest different things we could do to cut costs. I suggested just a small brunch wedding for parents and siblings, different venues, and a backyard wedding. He kept pushing that off like your Fiance. Come to find out, my Fiance was doing it because he was worried that even though I wanted to change the plans I would regret not having what HE thought was the wedding of my dreams. He said he wanted to give me the wedding I deserved.

Well to sum up a long story I think you should try talking to him again. Sit down and talk about what you want in a wedding and why. Figure out what parts are most important to you. Make sure you communicate exactly what you want so that he has no misgivings about your dreams for that day. I would also ask if he thinks he wants a longer engagement and set some sort of timeline. You may find that he’s just worried because he can’t provide for you what he thinks you want. If it is that he’s not ready you need to find out and give him time to reach that place if you want to be with him.

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