Post # 1
In the course of planning our wedding, the Mother-In-Law has finally sorted out the guest list on her/my husband’s side (they’ve been contacted and invited and have responded, etc.). The exception is an aunt who’s not been in touch for years. The Mother-In-Law says it’s “the right thing” to send an invite even though she won’t be able to make it because she lives in another country. The problem for the Mother-In-Law was that she only has this aunt’s email address (the Mother-In-Law literally doesn’t know enough to email a person. True story), and she and my husband had quarreled earlier, and so weren’t talking to each other.
So, the Mother-In-Law passes the email address to me, and I figure that since my husband had taken so long addressing the invites to his relatives earlier, it’d be better and faster if I emailed this aunt myself and informed my husband when she replied.
Of course, she hasn’t replied and I told him as much today, to which he exploded because I shouldn’t have emailed her in the first place. I see his point, but I still think it’s dumb because he’s such a procastinator, but I’d also like suggestions on what I can do now to make amends (other than look sad and apologize, which I’ve already done).
(Consolation: The husband said it was a good email.)
Post # 2
- Wedding: April 2014 - Italian Villa
CloverfieldStomp: WHY was he so upset that you contacted her? I don’t get it and I don’t think you did anything wrong.
Post # 3
So your fiance exploded at you because you emailed his relative asking for her address, and YOU want to make amends? I don’t quite see his point the way you do – why exactly is he justified in “exploding” for asking someone for her address? Right now I’m thinking this is one of those times where you coldly inform your fiance he’s out of line for “exploding” (depends on what that means to you, though, really) and wait for HIM to apologise…
Post # 4
… What? I don’t even understand what you possibly could have done “wrong”? Your husband is being absolutely ridiculous.
Post # 5
CloverfieldStomp: I don’t see anything to apologise for. Why would your husband “explode” over this? Did he not want to invite her or something?
Post # 6
Hello everyone. I’ve beaten the husband about the head with the Hammer of Reason. Thank you for the clarity and support! Wish I could actually hug you all.
To put it mildly (also I’m venting a bit), the stick up his control freak family’s ass is “if they’re our relatives, then we will do talking”. It’s making me crazy because I thought only bureaucracy moves this slowly. But don’t worry, I’m good at saying one thing and doing something else to meet my goal
In this context, “wrong” was me emailing his aunt. I still don’t give a shit about having done the “wrong” thing; I just want to get this planning done, you know? And since I don’t have to worry about being “proper” here (I hope), my stance is actually “fuck these relatives who don’t keep in touch but whom we have to notify anyway because ‘it’s etiquette'”.
I blame my Mother-In-Law, haha. The husband is trying to be a good son and accommodate her where possible, but we need to put her in her place and remind her that her etiquette concerns (seriously, fuck them) aren’t ours.
To answer ohnatto (sorry, I don’t know how to do multi-replies yet), “explode” as in speak angrily using a raised voice that isn’t shouting. Heh.
Post # 7
“if they’re our relatives, then we will do talking”
See, even if that were true… his mother gave you the address and asked you to e-mail the aunt. So, really, you were told by HIS family to do the talking. Still no reason for him to get upset.
Glad you got some sense into him.
Post # 8
amanda1988: I KNO RITE. They make out like they’re so mature and cultured but it’s really about doing things at their leisure and they get upset if someone doesn’t toe the line. That’s probably a whole other thread 😀
Post # 9
CloverfieldStomp: Pfft I would probably ‘explode’ right on back and him and say something like “well YOUR mother gave ME her email so of course I emailed her to get her mailing address dummy”.
Agree with PP: glad you got some sense into him, hopefully he will either get over it quick smart or up his game and not take so long to address invites in the first place!
Post # 10
I had to do something very similar with people on my guest list. For FI’s extended family, I started off by asking Future Mother-In-Law to help me get the addresses out of her mother (FI’s grandmother), but it was taking FOREVER and I’m still not sure why. Something about culture and the traditional lines of communication. When that didn’t work and I was getting down to the wire for sending save-the-dates, I ended up logging into my FI’s Facebook account, adding one of the younger members of the extended family as a friend, and once he accepted that request I sent him a link to a Google spreadsheet and asked him to please help me with the names and addresses for his father and siblings and their children/significant others. Within an hour he had the entire thing filled out perfectly, something I couldn’t accomplish during MONTHS of strife with FMIL! I had to do the same thing with some of my parents’ friends when my parents took too long to gather addresses. I just added them on Facebook and asked myself!
Luckily, nobody has seemed offended by my actions. FMIL was relieved to be off the hook! I don’t care if what I did wasn’t “traditional”; I don’t see the problem in politely taking charge of something I need for my own darn wedding 🙂
Post # 11
Phamnomenon: THANK YOU. Bear hugs to you. Are you and Fiance from different cultures? I’m guessing you two divided the wedding planning tasks equally because you didn’t mention his involvement in the guest list. I’m sorry to hear about the aggro between you and Future Mother-In-Law though. Good thing we have the boards!
For what he did, I’d give that young awesome relative a seat at the VIP table if I were you 😀
In the meantime, I’m just telling myself this is just one aspect of my wedding and only one day out of who knows how many in my marriage!
Post # 12
CloverfieldStomp: Yep, I’m white and Fiance is Vietnamese. However, the majority of the cultural expectations are coming from his grandparents, because his mother considers herself the black sheep of the family and doesn’t always feel like conforming! I do think she tried her best to get the information I needed, but the oldest generation was NOT cooperating. Luckily Future Mother-In-Law and I have a pretty solid relationship. Oh, and that younger relative TOTALLY gets a shout-out. I have him marked down for unlimited cake in our guest list spreadsheet 🙂
Post # 13
Where is the part where you did anything wrong? An explosion is a sure overreaction.
Post # 14
Despite multiple updates I still fail to see what you did wrong.. Even if he did feel that way, exploding over it is just immature and unncessary.
Post # 15
Your Fiance sounds like mine in several ways. Fiance is a HUGE procrastinator BUT he wants to do all his family stuff himself – addressing invites, thank you cards, etc. I have taken the mindset of “he’s a grown man, he can handle it” – that means that some of “his” invites didn’t go out until a couple of weeks after mine, but me nagging him just made things worse. Even though it gives me anxiety, i know he will handle things in his own way, and if he doesn’t, well it’s on him.