- 8 years ago
- Wedding: July 2016
Hello everyone, this is my first post, though I’ve been stalking this board for about a month now. I’m sorry this is so long, but I don’t think I could have left anything out to make my point.
I’m going crazy. I don’t even know where to start so it will make sense. But please bare with me, I need some advice from people who have been there 🙂
I’ve been with my BF for 2 years and 9 months now. We don’t live together. I’m 23 and he’s 25. I live with my parents, and go to grad school in another state (where I live with other family members for half the week). He graduated from grad school in the winter, and is now working part time, also living with his parents.
We’ve talked about our future in hypotheticals. He wants to get married in a church, I want my honeymoon in Hawaii, and where we want to live in the future (geographically). The thing is, we are both very careful using “when” and “if” and we don’t necessarily include each other. We sort of tip-toe around it. A few weeks ago I asked him where he sees himself in 5 years, and he described many aspects of his life, never mentioning me. And then he asked me the same. It was scary, but after we were done I asked why he didn’t mention me as part of his future and he said that I didn’t either lol (but of course I was just following his lead trying not to get ahead of myself or freak him out).
This conversation took place after “it” all started. Around my birthday a month and a half ago he started bringing up the topic of engagement. Up to that point, even though it seems weird now, I never thought about it seriously. Not whether I could see myself marrying him or not, but thinking of it as something happening soon. When I did think about it it was always in terms of something I’d think about years from now after I’m done with school (I just finished my first year in a 5 year doctoral program). One thing we constantly talked about was living together. There was no question that if we had the money and could be in the same state 24/7 we would live together (he lives and works in the state where my parents and I do on weekends – during the week I’m a few states over – about 70 minutes driving).
Anyways, last month out of nowhere he started talking about engagements. Not ours, just in general. His friend is getting married in the fall, and he brought about the e-ring his friend chose and how much fun we’re going to have at their wedding. He also told me about a dream he had where he actually proposed to me and i accepted. Then, on the night we celebrated my birthday her “fake-proposed” as I’ve been calling it. We had been drinking prior to (though not drunk), and when I was getting ready to go home (as in literally about to get in my car and drive), he got down on one knee, said my full name, and used my car key-chain ring to propose. BUT, this wasn’t really serious. The mood was joky as we were cracking jokes for a while and laughing. As he was doing it I was laughing, and after he got back up we continued to laugh. He did ask what my answer was, but being in complete shock (though trying hard not to show it, or any seriousness at all) I laughed it off and said we can talk about it after he buys the ring. – I didn’t say this because I badly want a ring, but because he caught me so off guard it was the first thing I thought of. It was also a way for me not to give a direct answer in case he was completely joking and would have flipped out if I gave a serious answer. I have no idea what he was acually thinking (like if he thought he was being funny or it was a clever attempt to gage my thoughts).
Since “the incident” he’s mentioned engagements several times. He’s made joke about “noting” things I say about e-rings (if I say I dislike yellow gold for example, he’d laugh and say “noted”). And he even shared the story of the fake-proposal with our friends, though adding that he was drunk (I’ve seen him drunk, and that night he was not).
Okay, time to get to the point. Sorry it took so long. I don’t know if I should be in this “waiting” phase, or if it’s unrealistic in our given circumstances.
He says he plans to move out of his parents house in a year or two (after he has sufficient funds). I’m in school for a lot of the time. We only see each other at night, when I’m back home. Granted, this summer that’s 5 out of 7 nights. But starting the fall, I’ll be out of state for the entire work week and only back home for weekends. He’s said that he would move to my school state if he could find a job there. But his field is difficult to get into in metropolitan cities, not to mention more suburban ones. And even if he did find a job, he still can’t afford to move out just yet. Also, I’ve been trying to pay attention to any efforst of his to try to save up serious money, and see none (meaning if he were to buy a ring, he couldn’t afford it right now). He’s buying a car now, which he needs for work, so I understand the priority. He has also told me that he is very much into following “the rules” related to how much to save up for a ring. He never said he was going to buy me one, but on one occasion he said I got lucky (or in his word, “hit the jackpot” lol) because he’d spend 2 months wages on my ring. Regardless, he has a lot of expenses, and sees nothing wrong with spending extra cash at dinners and on random items, which leads me to believe he’s not trying to save up for anything serious right now.
Before this whole business started last month I had never even looked at e-rings. Now I can’t stop. Not to mention all the posts I’ve been reading on this site and every other. Most days I can get through pretty easily, but some days it has me completely distracted, like today, to the point where I can’t get any work done (I was supposed to be doing work for the last 2 hours but have been doing this instead). On some days it also gets me extremely depressed. I get that thinking that even though I want this so badly, it might not happen for a very long time. But most days it’s just the not-knowing. It makes me anxious that I don’t know either way. And it’s not something I feel I can ask him point blank (as in, “are you planning on proposing any time soon?” lol) Mostly because I wouldn’t want to ruin any potential surprise, but also because I don’t want to freak him out in case all of these “incidents” I’ve been counting have been coincidences of sorts or just things he’s said without thinking.
I can’t tell if this is something he’s seriously thinking about or if the crazy switch just turned on in my head. Do you think there is merit to my curiosity or am I blowing a few jokes out of proportion? Does a proposal seem on the near horizon for me?
p.s: I used to think that we would live together before thinking about marriage. But then I started reading all these things that say how living together before marriage could lead to divorce (mind you I’m not religious at all). This is a topic I keep going back and forth on. I can see all the benefits of both living together and not before engagement/marriage. I also think I would be okay with getting engaged, then live together, then get married. Though I wouldn’t be opposed to any of the other combinations of the sort. I think my BF is more inclined to live together first. This is also an indication to me that maybe a proposal is very far away, since he’s not moving out for a few years.
Help please? Thank you so much for all of you who made it through my entire post. I really appreciate it =]