(Closed) Put waiting on hold?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Hi there 🙂 I completely sympathize with the whole being-in-school-while-waiting situation. I’m writing my dissertation and I have a book in front of me that I’m supposed to be reading… but instead I’m doing this. (Doesn’t help that the book isn’t particularly interesting.)

I think it’s very important to have a serious discussion with him about whether or not you see yourselves getting married to each other, and when. Not to put pressure on him but to make sure you both have the same expectations about the relationship. If you both say yes, then talk about when you’d like to be engaged, and when you’d like to be married. I’m a little wary about setting a timeline, both because it can put a lot of pressure on both parties and because it has the potential to take some of the magic out of a proposal, but it’s good to establish your expectations. Then you can relax a bit (or try!) until you reach the time/age when you’d like to be engaged. It’s not fair (to either of you) for you to be longing for him to propose to you when he might not know if or when you’re expecting it. It’s also important that you get to enjoy your relationship and making memories with your guy, instead of focusing on the fact that he hasn’t proposed yet and all the negative thoughts that  that idea can bring with it.

In any case, don’t lose sight of your studies and career. Don’t compromise on your PhD because of waiting and waiting anxiety. (Easier said than done – I know from experience.) It’s important not to lose yourself while waiting for him. 

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
218 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Hi! I’m also in gradschool, and as a result, I’ve mostly dated other gradstudents for…er… nearly a decade!  And most of my friends are gradstudents.  So I see this situation a lot!

I honestly do believe that being in school past your early twenties has a way of infantilizing people, and I think this effect is even more pronounced on men.  One of my best male friends is in a very similar situation as you… his girlfriend secretly wants him to propose and he is completely oblivious, honestly.  I think it’s very possible that your bf either has no intention of doing so until he is living on his own or else he wants to but is nervous about the financial implications.  I think men in this society do feel more pressure than women to be finanancially secure, to be able to afford a nice ring, etc.

Now these are all just trends I’ve noticed among the men I know, and it might not apply to your bf at all.  But I agree with lbear that honesty is really the best thing here.  He might have a totally different timeframe in mind than you, and you at least deserve to know what that is.  Judging from my male friends, it’s very possible that he’s completely oblivious as well.  The fact that he does bring it up, either as a joke or hypothetically, does speak very much in his favor.  I doubt he would do that if he were actively opposed to ever getting married to you.  But it does sound like you both need to be honest about your expectations.  I know my fiance and I talked very openly about what we wanted and when, and this didn’t spoil the surprise for me in the least.  Rather, it got us started on the right foot for marriage, since a healthy relationship is all about being able to express your needs well and to listen to the other person’s needs. 

Just have the talk ASAP.  You’ll feel better. Say, this is just what I had in mind, I’m wondering if we’re on the same page, and then listen to what his concerns are and find out if there are things he thinks have to happen first.  Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Kat_Kit2000:  The age-old question of when to have the talk… I know it’s hard to bring the subject up. You don’t want to rock the boat, but sometimes it needs a little nudge in order to get where it’s going. I would emphasize that you’re not putting any pressure on him, but that you would like to know if and when he envisions marriage to you. Emphasize that you love him and want to know what the next step will be. You can mention the fact that he’s brought up engagement (a good sign, I think!), and you’d like to know what he’s thinking. I know it’s been said over and over, but communication really is vital.

That said, you’re still quite young. If you’re okay with waiting, you probably don’t need to force the issue. On the other hand, you shouldn’t wait until you’re frustrated with him for not proposing to bring it up. Start the conversation well before you’re expecting to be proposed to. Many men need a lot of time to prepare.

Post # 9
Member
29 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@Kat_Kit2000:  A little alcohol can be a good thing. You’ll probably be more relaxed (and, if your Boyfriend or Best Friend is anything like mine, more than a little cuddly, haha).

 

If he’s “fake” proposed to you and talked about engagements (even if not specifically yours), chances are it’s at least crossed his mind! The fake proposal might have been his way of raising the issue to see what your reaction might be. 

Again, I would emphasize that you don’t want to pressure him, but that you want to make sure you are both on the same page.

Post # 10
Member
699 posts
Busy bee

@Kat_Kit2000:  I think you should put all thoughts of marriage4/engagements from your mind for the moment, it doesn’t seem he’s going to propose anytime soon. I know it’s hard but pressuring him won’t work. And i think it’s very wise to move in before marriage and see if you can live 24/7 without going nuts. Comprimise is the key

Post # 11
Member
597 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@Kat_Kit2000:  welcome welcome! 

I wish I had some words to help you but I know nothing about that, I’m just glad to be out of school at the moment. I do offer you sympathy and the promise to read whatever you post on the Bee, because I like to know whats going on with people. 

*Hugs*

 

Post # 13
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

talking marriage with my Fiance was never “weighing it down”– we were excited to talk about a future together and had fun imagining getting married?

I think, from what you describe, your SO is definitely thinking about weddings– he’s fake proposed to you! he’s talked about other weddings with you! he’s talked rings with you! what more hints do you need?  if you bring it up and he totally backpedals, then you can reevalauate, but I don’t think you have anything to worry about.

Post # 16
Member
2105 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you’re mature enough to be married, you’re mature enough to discuss marriage and expectations instead of dancing around important opinions about your future.  Why is he coy-ly asking all these questions instead of saying, “Dearest, what are your thoughts on _________?” or you saying, “All this talk about our friends weddings has made me realize that I am interested in getting married before I finish school. What are your thoughts?” 

You are never ambushing someone if you’re dating them.  You have to be able to talk to him about these and other topics as they’re on your mind because otherwise you’ll go crazy!

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