(Closed) Question.

posted 6 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 3
Member
9551 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think you’re right and I would bet most people agree with you. The right age is different for any couple. Some are ready earlier than others. Some feel the need to do specific things first, some don’t. It’s more based on the couple than on a given age. I think most people have a lower limit. I mean does anyone really think a 13 year old could realistically be ready for marriage? 16? 18? 22? 25? 30? 35? We all have a cut off where we think it’s reasonable but that may be different for different people. But I don’t think it’s something that is a big deal.

Post # 5
Member
5662 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

@StefLovesJamie:  I don’t think that people are against younger couples that are truly in love and ready for marriage. And I don’t think people assume that because you’re young you aren’t “truly in love”. I was truly in love when I was 18, I just wasn’t ready to be married. Everyone IS different, people marry the wrong people at 18, 30, 40, etc… but the fact is, you go through a LOT of life changes and experiences in your 20s and most people when they say that 18 is too young to get married, are thinking back to how much they’ve grown and who they were when they were 18, as well as thinking about all of the people around them that they’ve known as 18 year olds, and they are making a judgment based on the fact that most of society isn’t ready for marriage that young. That doesn’t mean though that there aren’t couples out there that are fully ready for marriage, and more power to you! You have to just know in your heart that you’re doing the right thing for you and your fiance because you’re going to run up against this from a lot of people until you get married, and probably even after!

Post # 6
Member
1676 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I married young, and I fully believe that some people are ready. However, most of my friends/peers are definitely not, and they make this blatantly obvious what seems like every chance they get. Unfortunately, if the majority of 18 year olds are horrendously immature, most people just assume everyone is like that at 18. Do I like it? Absolutely not, but what can you do? It’s hard for me to blame people for thinking this way when I look around and see people my age still acting like children. So, I’m upset at them for giving us all a bad reputation. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 7
Member
807 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I think it’s dumb to judge people’s readiness for marriage based on age alone. It wasn’t so long ago that people got married very young and no one thought anything of it. I know several 18 year olds who are far more grounded and mature than some 30 year olds I know, and getting married at a later age doesn’t make your marriage foolproof. 

Post # 8
Member
5296 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 1993

My husband and I started dating at 17, got engaged at 20, and married at 23. We never doubted that we were ready and none of our friends or family every questioned it. We had been through many different experiences together (and apart) that we both felt prepared us for marriage. 

So I have nothing against getting married young. It’s when they start becoming super defensive at any question of “do you think you’re ready”, family/friends are making comments (they know you best – so if they have a lot of doubts, take it seriously), or see no point in getting an education, travelling, or having any kind of experience apart from their SO that I start to question their readiness. 

Post # 9
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Some people will never be ready for marriage and others know at a very young age that they are ready to fully commint to another person. My sentiment is not to judge and let people figure it out on their own. I’m 23 and have been with my SO since I was 17. We’ve been wanting to get married for a while now but I let my older family members, particularly the women in my family get to me. Everyone around me was telling how we’re young and it’s stupid to get married so young. I could have saved myself so much heartache if I just learned to brush off peoples judgement off a long time ago! I know a lot of older people think they are helping by trying to make younger people see how they have been there before so they feel like their advice is coming from a very helpful place. As much as they feel like they’re only trying to help I’m really annoyed by those comments now. OP I uderstand your need to vent. Eventually the love between your SO and yourself will show others how ready you are. As for me, if it works out I’m thrill and if it doesn’t I’ll learn on my own.

Post # 10
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

You know because you know.  However, those of us who are older have those years of experience to draw on, and are commenting based on that.  When I was 18, I was a completely different person than I am now.  I know they say people don’t change, and while many parts of my personality have remained the same, I behave much differently than I used to.  

Post # 11
Member
2893 posts
Sugar bee

I think a few bad apples and personal projections ruin it for the rest. Not much you can do about it. I’ve never faced those questions despite being engaged for the 1st time when I was 21 and 24 the second time. I’m now 25 and married and still haven’t heard a peep save for one person I wasn’t close to anyways. I think it’s all about how you carry yourself (in my opinion). I think people pick up on uncertainty, immaturity, people-pleasing. And by people pleasing I mean coming across as if you need the approval of others rather than owning your choices and actions as an adult. I think when people sense that confidence and see you navigate your life in a responsible, mature manner they tend to question less. 

But when they do question I think it comes from a place of personal projection. They know how THEY were at that age and they weren’t ready. Or they know another young person and they are obviously far from ready. And I also think some ask because they simply worry because they care. I read people using the phrase “I changed so much between (insert ages). You will too.” And I think it’s absolutely possible for you to grow and change dramatically. But again, that’s a personal projection. Between 18 and 25 I haven’t changed the slightest. I’m exactly who I was back then. I just dress better and own a home now. ๐Ÿ˜‰ Regardless, I don’t think questioning always comes from a place of malice. I think we just all remember a moment of young obsession that lead to mistakes and want to make sure someone isn’t being blinded by it. 

Post # 12
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@peachacid:  I completely see that point. But at the same time my SO and I have changed so much into our up grown roles in life it’s nice having someone to grow up with as well as grow old with.

Who knows if one day we’ll change so much that we won’t be able to be happy anymore but I’m willing to take that chance. 

Post # 13
Member
2459 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I have been with my Darling Husband since I was 18 and he was 23. We have been together 11.5 years.

BUT

We got married after being together 10 years and it almost didn’t happen.

if I have one bit of advice for anyone under the age of 25 WAIT!!!!! You will change so much btw 18 and 25 so much! I thought I knew everything at 18, and that he was the one and bla bla bla I knew nothing, I was 18, all I had know was how to be a child, I was yet to spend any time being an adult. 

it has been pure chance, dumb luck and a serious of fortunate events that have kept us together, but at least i know it was not the fear of getting divorced. I am not saying a couple wont still be together 10 years later from the age of 18, I am saying the chances aren’t good and marriage is a very serious commitment and very hard to get out of.

 

Post # 14
Member
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Agree, OP. ๐Ÿ™‚

You know what? Would it be fun to maybe date around, do whatever I feel like doing in the moment without regard for a SO’s opinion/feelings, and generally not be responsible for anyone but myself? Yeah, sure.

But what I have with my Fiance is SO MUCH BETTER than that. I’m not willing to give up our relationship for any amount of partying, dating, or travelling. There are tradeoffs to any situation in life. I’m sure there are plenty of women who would love to be able to go out to the club with their husband every single Friday night, but they decided they’d rather have kids instead.

We’ve been together four years now, we’re not going to break up, so there’s really no reason for us not to be married. We’re both 21, getting married in March, and both sets of parents have been incredibly supportive and happy for us.

Have we both changed a LOT since we started dating? OF COURSE. I’m 21 now and I was just under seventeen when we got together. OF COURSE I am not the same person. But because of our commitment to each other we’ve been able to grow TOGETHER and to grow WITH and CLOSER to each other. There are experiences and history there that I wouldn’t trade for the world.

And seriously? Who says you can’t live life after you’re married? I would NEVER do anything today that I wouldn’t do if I was married, so I don’t get that logic at all.

In fact, when it comes to travelling, I’ll actually get to travel MORE married to my Fiance than if we stayed single. He’s an architecture student and will be able to study in Italy and do his internships in in parts of Europe that I could never justify visiting long-term if there wasn’t a career reason for doing it.

 

Post # 15
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I totally get what your saying, my mom’s friend is in her early thirties and has been with her Fiance for 3 months, thats it!!!!!  They constantly get congradulated and everyone is so happy for them.  But me as a 20 year old who has been with her Fiance for 3 years, one of which was long distance has to hear “Are you sure your ready?”  “Your so young, how do you know you won’t find anyone else?” and my favorite “You don’t know what love is, you don’t know what marriage takes”  Ugh it is so annoyting, I am so ready and I am so not going to find someone else.  When people tell me I don’t know what love is I just say he makes me so happy, takes care of me and knows me better then anyone else and is still here, what more is there to true love? So heres to all you 20 year olds getting married, CONGRADULATIONS I am sure you will live a happy life!!!!!!!!

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