(Closed) Question about not registering

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

Even if you are hoping to get cash, I think it’s sometimes smart to register for those people that really just like to buy physical gifts, even if it just has a few items on it, so people at least know what colour towels you want in your bathroom or whatever.

Registry info wouldn’t go out with your invites anyway, so you’re not too late if you wanted to do it.

Post # 4
Member
1696 posts
Bumble bee

You do not need to worry that the invitations have already been sent, because good taste generally counsels against including a registry card with your invitation. A wedding invitation is a sophisticated elegant piece social correspondence; and you do not want to degrade it by including a wish-list as though it were a child’s letter to Santa. You may fairly expect that many guests will want to give you gifts, but you must refrain from voicing that expectation so that your guests can feel generous and free-willed, rather than feeling obligated and possibly resentful.

In that vein, the best way to respond to people who ask where you are registered, is to say “oh, we don’t need anything: we are inviting you purely because we want the pleasure of your company.”  That won’t make any difference. The people who want to give will still want to. But they won’t feel manipulated.

Your suggestion, that your mother say that you are saving for a honeymoon than you can afford by yourselves, is also good; but it begs the question of whether you and your fiance are really ready to be mutually-supporting independent adults, or whether you are still really dependent on outside resources.  The dignified attitude is that one way or another you are undertaking to provide for yourselves. A traditional registry was simply the bride’s list of heirloom-quality household necessities that she planned to acquire in order to set up her home. Friends who used her registry to choose a gift were intruding into her private plans, to help her achieve what she was going to do anyway, but sooner. In the case of your honeymoon, your mom should imply that you are planning to take one anyway, but that friends might help you achieve a more restful, longer, or more exciting trip.

Remember that greed for control is just as bad as greed for material goods. Brides who just want money so they can control what they get withoug being saddled with the bad-quality choices made by their tasteless guests, are disrespecting their guests to a degree that makes me wonder why they call them friends. The same applies to honeymoon gifts: people might prefer to give a nice set of luggage, or travel supplies, or tickets to something special at your destination. They often want to give not only a dollar value; but also their time, talent, taste and personal attention. To do that, they will need to know some of your honeymoon plans. You cannot really hold to the tradition of keeping those plans a secret, if you want to break with the tradition of paying for your honeymoon all by yourself.

Post # 6
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Uhhh…. LOL.

I would register at a place that has an awesome return policy.  i.e.  let’s you return for cash.  Otherwise you will end up with a plate set covered in painted fruit!

Post # 7
Member
46607 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

OMG, enough with the lecturing.

If you don’t want to register, don’t register.

Just be honest if people ask you directly. Tell them you don’t need any more things for your home. You don’t have to volunteer anything about the honeymoon- your Mom can do that though.

If they get the message that you don’t want things, you will likely get cash.

Post # 8
Member
629 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@Carolyn72: I totally get how you feel, but in essense, by saying you do not want anything truly does translate to “I want money, not gifts” even if that is not at all what you mean.  In our society it is considered rude to attand a wedding and not provide a gift, so while you think you are being honest and also saving your guests the expense, you are actually putting tem in a bind as to what to do. Unless you are having a very small and extremely casual wedding, you should bite the bullet and register for at least some items.  I am in a similar situation because we live in Alaska and our wedding is in Milwaukee. We will be 40 wen we marry and have everyting we need already, and don’t know how to lug everything back to Alaska after the wedding. If our guests order items online they will pay a ton in shipping them to us, which bothers me as well. BUT we will register just so our guests aren’t in an awkward position and so we don’t come off as greedy. There are many variables in different wedding traditions, but this is one that really doesn’t change– everyone expects  a registry whether we like it or not.

Post # 9
Member
6572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 2010

I would register just to make life easier. I did register and after a big engagement party and shower, the registry was pretty low. People complained until I added more. I just felt like it was easier to give in.

Post # 10
Member
152 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I didn’t register for my wedding either….we just didn’t need anything. We also didn’t have anything on our invites either like you. When people started asking us or family members what we needed we just spread the word that we were saving for a house, and everyone seemed to get the hint. We mostly got cash for the wedding and of course a few gifts here and there.

Post # 12
Member
14494 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

We didn’t register and we got about 80% cash and the rest in gift cards and a few gifts from family ( and I LOVE the things they picked out ).

Post # 13
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

We didn’t register and we got cash or gift cards except from a couple people. For people who really wanted to give us a physical gift, we gave them some suggestions.

People will keep asking if and where you are registered, because they want to know what you want, though not necessarily because they think you should be registered. You can certainly mention that you don’t expect a gift. You can also request a donation to a specific charity.

 

Post # 14
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

@aspasia475: “A wedding invitation is a sophisticated elegant piece social correspondence; and you do not want to degrade it by including a wish-list as though it were a child’s letter to Santa.”

I would like to nominate this as quote of the day.Wink

Post # 15
Member
706 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Carolyn72: I vote for a honeymoon registry. People will stop bugging you *and* you’ll have a fabulous honeymoon that people feel like they’ve contributed to. Nothing pretentious about that!

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