(Closed) Question about premarital counseling

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: How did you and your (reluctant?) guy deal with premarital counseling?
    I went on my own, and eventually he joined me. : (1 votes)
    8 %
    I told him we wouldn't talk about "problems" or "issues," just preparing for the future. : (3 votes)
    23 %
    We didn't go, and we're fine. : (7 votes)
    54 %
    I went and/or go without him, and it is still helpful to us even if he doesn't go with me. : (2 votes)
    15 %
  • Post # 3
    14181 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Neiteher of us wanted to but it was required. We both felt it was relatively useless in the long run.

    I think, on one hand, he should go if you really feel it’d be important. But, on the other hand, if he doesn’t how it could be beneficial, i don’t see the point in forcing him to go.

    What about picking up some worksheets yourself and doing those without a facilitator?

    There was no option for “we went and thought it was useless” but that was our stance on it.

    Post # 4
    946 posts
    Busy bee

    My answer wasn’t included in the poll, but my boyfriend and I have already talked about it and both of us are very willing to go.  There are always things that you won’t think to talk about that a third party could help bring up.  We don’t think of it as dealing with our issues, but rather working on how to be more of a team!

    Post # 5
    1084 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2009

    So I think counseling is a great thing, but personally would feel terribly awkward about going and be a bit like your Fiance.  It was good that our church required some sessions with the priest beforehand.  That was great, he was just personal enough, and gave us discussion questions for home in private, and they sparked really nice discussions between the two of us….stuff we had kinda touched on about the future but not so in depth.  For us this way, it allowed us to remain private, which really is the best way to get us to open up to each other and have real discussions.  But there wasn’t anything major we were working on, it was more of getting ready for marriage sort of counseling and talks.  It may have been different if there was something big to work through.

    Post # 6
    7172 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    I don’t see it as a red flag at all. 😉  FI and I had to do a marriage prep class because the pastor marrying us said we needed to.  I was the one DRAGGING my feet and poo-pooing the whole idea.  It was more because I thought – what can these people teach me that I don’t already know myself.  And, I totally understand where your Fiance is coming from with – what does a stranger know about me.

    The thing is – he’s right – the stranger doesn’t know anything about him… BUT… the stranger is likely to be well experienced with new marriages and could give you both some pointers on how to make your marriage more successful.

    Perhaps if you paint it in that light -let’s make our marriage the best we possibly can and see if counseling will do that vs. there is something wrong with you/us and we need to fix it – he might be more receptive.  I wouldn’t suggest going to premarital counseling by yourself.  If you feel like you have issues you want to address with a counselor – by all means, do that – but don’t call it ‘premarital counseling’ with Fiance – as I’d think he’d feel like you weren’t taking his feelings into consideration and deciding to do your own thing. 

    It sounds like he’d be willing to give it a try… (at least it wasn’t a flat out ‘no)!  I wouldn’t push it anymore with him and let him come to his own conclusion about it.  It sounds like you’ve made your point to him that it’s important to you – and he told you he’d consider it.  Now you just have to see what he decides.

    Some people also have a negative view of counseling in general – and it sounds like your Fiance is in that boat (where they think they won’t help at all and is a big waste of time).


    Post # 7
    99 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    It’s not exactly premarital counselling, but I did go to a counsellor and talk through some of my feelings and personal issues regarding marriage, and it has definately helped me articulate issues and expectations, and thus make me better able to communicate them to my Fiance, who is very receptive to that. My bringing up the sorts of questions about marriage and our future that a counsellor might works for us to discuss them. 

    Post # 8
    257 posts
    Helper bee

    The both of us wanted to go. It was such an enriching time and its always nice to have a third person’s point of view.

    Post # 10
    207 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    We are both going to pre-marital counceling and we are both very excited for it.  I am a therapist, and Fiance has a therapist, so we are both very open to counceling.  We have found so far that it is a great space just to be able to share our feelings, dreams, goals with one another in a structured, supportive setting.  If you want to go, go.  If it important to you then you should do it for yourself.  Perhapes he will be open to joining.  If not, at least you gave yourself that important and meaningful oppertunity. 

    Post # 11
    6009 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2009

    We both went to pre-marital counseling willingly, and we really got a lot out of it.  If your FI is not willing to go at this time, I do think it would be beneficial to go by yourself.  The counselor will bring up discussion topics and relationship skills that you can bring back to your Fiance to talk about in private.  Even if he never goes with you, you are likely to learn a lot and in the future, you can apply those lessons to your marriage.

    Post # 12
    7975 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I brought it up to J by saying, “Hey, this will help us talk about stuff that we both know is important but we might never think to talk about now otherwise.” and he was on board.

    I’m sorry that your guy is being reluctant 🙁

    Post # 13
    832 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2010

    We went to one session. We were both reluctant at first, but decided we should still go. We ended up really enjoying it! I’m so glad we went. It was uncomfortable or anything.

    Post # 14
    33 posts
    • Wedding: October 2010

    We have our first session tomorrow, and we’re both willing to go. The thought hadn’t even crossed our mind about having pre-marital counseling until the pastor brought it up. After we thought about his offer, we agreed “why not”.

    Post # 15
    1079 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2010

    I went to a therapist for about a year (long before I met Fiance and nothing to do with marriage). It was totally useless and just made me feel bad about myself because I was constantly thinking about negative things instead of trying to be positive about life. I can imagine couseling being good, but also bringing up a lot of hypotheticals that will be stressful, but ultimately irrelavent. So I can see where your Fiance is coming from.

    Post # 16
    145 posts
    Blushing bee

    my Fiance already decided that we will go to the premarital counseling through our church before I even considered it. It was sooooo much more than I expected. The couple that mentored us are such wonderful and caring people, they specified that they are NOT counselors, merely facilitators to start us onto discussions of topics that we did not discuss before or even think of discussing before, and when we had our disagreements, they are there to offer support and point out what the bibles says to our viewpoints. I would highly, highly recommend it, please do encourage your Fiance to go to you, its more than likely not true counseling, but merely facilitating and learning better communicating skills and problem solving skills for the marriage, and what marriage could not use more of that???

    The topic ‘Question about premarital counseling’ is closed to new replies.

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