(Closed) Question for bees with fertility issues

posted 6 years ago in TTC
Post # 3
191 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

@mommytobee:  it’s probably going to hurt a little no matter how you tell her. I say telling her privately is good, and not with a huge crowd of peoplE in a big SURPRISE announcement, especially if everyone knows they are struggling, Just my opinion though. Then she can take the news in however she needs to. she will probably be happy for you, but sad for herself. 

Post # 4
1069 posts
Bumble bee

As someone who has fertility struggles, I would say if at all possible to tell her through email/text. Or tell her husband and ask him to tell her. I’m sure she will be happy for you but she might get upset right away and she probably doesn’t want you to see her reaction.

Whatever you do, do not tell her in front of other people.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!!

Post # 5
5107 posts
Bee Keeper

@mommytobee:  Congrats on your pregnancy! There was JUST a thread on this. I will look for it.

As someone who struggled with TTC, I would want to be told via text or email so if I were to be feeling particularly emotional, I could cry if I wanted. Of course I would be so happy for you and I’m sure she would be too, but that’s how I would want to be told.

Post # 6
1172 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

I was in this situation a few months ago.  A friend of mine found out she was pregnant after we had been trying for almost a year (with and without meds).  It seemed worse because she already had a child that was conceived when she was 17 and on drugs (the baby’s father was her drug dealer) and she acts like she hates being a mom for the most part.  She even said having her daughter ruined her partying when she was younger.  My husband told me (he’s very close friends with this baby’s father) and I was upset, to say the least.  We all went out to dinner the next night and I was worried I would start crying all night (the meds were messing with my hormones/emotions and I was still pretty upset).  She tried not to mention it because she knew I had issues with ovairian cysts in the past and I assumed she knew we were trying, but her boyfriend kept bringing it up (not on purpose, he just didn’t know any better). It wasn’t fair for her to not be able to talk about it in front of me or act like she wasn’t happy because I was there, so I tried to act like I was ok.  We ended up getting pregnant about 6 weeks later and now we talk about baby stuff all the time.  I agree with the other ladies, just don’t tell her in public or in front of anyone else and don’t expect much from her right away.  Give her time to adjust and understand this is another reminder for her that she’s not the pregnant one (again).  Good luck!!

Post # 8
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

This just happened to me a few days ago! We’ve been ttc for a while and are going to a fertility doctor- my friend just got pregnant for the 2nd time and they weren’t even trying. I know she was hesitant to tell me and was afraid of upsetting me, but suprisingly it didn’t upset me.  I know it’ll happen for us and it may take a little longer, but that’s the way it is.

She told me over the phone- not text or email. I’m glad she did it that way to be honest because otherwise I think it could become awkward, like an elephant in the room, if I’d felt like she’d been so afraid to tell me that she had to email it. Of course, everyone is different and may obviously react differently than I did.

Post # 9
604 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2014 - Narrawallee reserve/beach & Mollymook golf club

Being someone who has PCOS (although we haven’t been trying for long), I would suggest either telling her and her partner together but only the two of them, or asking him to break it to her. I would probably be offended if I was notified via text or email. It might hurt her a little, but she’ll still be happy for both of you.

Post # 10
2226 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Having been through this, I can say there’s really no easy way to hear that.  My brother managed to break up with a gf, meet a new one, and get her pregnant twice all during the time I was struggling TTC.  Each time he called me to tell me and each time I cried.  But, I appreciated his honesty and openness.  A text or email would have felt impersonal and cold.  Just acknowledge that you know they have been struggling and you wanted her to hear it from you before she heard it from anyone else.  Try not to make a huge deal out of it.  Be more like “this is what’s going on”.  It’s hard, but you can do it!

Post # 11
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

i think it depends on how close you are to her. if you talk all the time, then yes it would be weird to get the news via email and maybe phone would be better.

however if you are in more of an ’email relationship’ anyway, then i personally would prefer email because it gives time to process the news.

but every woman is different!

for example, if I’ve told someone about my infertility and they get pregnant and they break their news to me, i *want* them to also acknowledge that i’ve been trying.

not that the conversation needs to be about me, but I feel validated if while they’re telling me about their pregnancy, if they also say something like ‘I wish it could be you telling me good news also’ or ‘I hope this isn’t too hard for you to hear’. Of course in those situations I respond ‘Don’t give it a second thought, I’m so happy for you’ but it still does feel nice to have my own pain acknowledged.

However, some infertile women are the exact opposite and would hate for their infertility to be acknowledged in that way and would rather you didn’t mention it.

so. . . i think only your SIL can help you out here unfortunately! best wishes and i really think like with anything in life, just being thoughtful means a lot.

Post # 12
3625 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

We are currently TTC and every time I hear of someone getting pregnant, I have mixed emotions. I am happy for them but sad for us, of course. As such, I would rather get get this news in a text/email form rather than being told in person, because I don’t want the other person to be privy to my mixed range of emotions. At least if it’s via text/email, I can read it, process it, and then reply appropriately. Of course, I would make it a fairly casual, easy-breezy message rather than a “OMG I’m SO excited to announce…” type of message.

Though, as PP, this really depends on the kind of relationship you have. My friends and I are active text messagers so it wouldn’t be out of the ordinary to receive a text.


Post # 13
588 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2007 - Radisson Hotel

For me, I’ve got a child but have recently lost two in a few months while friends with kids younger than mine are on their second/third. I prefer getting the news in the most least confrontational way possible. My very best friend called to say she had to tell me something. Another friend sent me an email. Both said they were totally fine if I wanted them to stay away for a while, I can find them when I’m ready. I really appreciated that. Especially after my losses, it’s just so much harder to be around pregnant people, but it’s so hard when you love them so much but the idea of their rounded bellies while yours remains empty is just heartbreaking and makes it hard to want to be around them for a little bit.

And ditto the previous poster. I far prefer the ability to compose myself before responding to it. The friend who called to tell me her news had to sit there while I held the phone away and silently cried. It sucked for me, sucked for her. I had to mask my tears while we talked about it.

Post # 14
755 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I just went through this with my best friend yesterday. I tried to call her and tell her over the phone as I didn’t want it to seem like I was trying to be impersonal. However I couldn’t catch her for days, so I sent her a text. It took her several hours to respond and when she called me she still sobbed. It was heartbreaking. I wish there was something I could do to make it better. I think via email or text is good. But it depends on the person and how you think they will feel.  Either way it is a hard place to be.

Post # 15
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree that I prefered to be told via email.  It was just one of those things that sometimes it was hard to look someone who’s happy in the face and put on a smile, and then I’d feel like I was a terrible person that couldn’t be supportive of my friends.  So if people could give me a heads up where I don’t have to have a face to face, or even voice conversation where I feel like I have to say something happy and meaninful right away it was better.  I could compose myself, process, cry, vent to my husband (or the bees) and then by the time I saw them in person I was better able to put on a geniuinely happy face.

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