Question for Catholic bees about raising a child in the church

posted 3 months ago in Babies
Post # 16
342 posts
Helper bee

The tradition of communion would be practically non-existent if only those who are biblically “worthy” took part in it.  What I find sad is all of the hypocritical judgment that flows through so many minds.   lisaeversman :  

Post # 18
9670 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2012

Would he be open to a different denomination of church?

Personally I wouldn’t be able to get past the whole idea that IVF=sin or whatever. I mean I assume they teach that at some point to the children as they get older. I wouldn’t want my child feeling guilty or anything else about their conception. IVF is an amazing thing.

Post # 19
307 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

emilyofnewmoon :  I was going to ask the same thing- what are the things your husband found beneficial growing up in the church? There may be alternatives that he hasn’t even thought of, let alone considered. 

Post # 20
3442 posts
Sugar bee

I was raised very Catholic. I have a cousin who is a nun, my family is that Catholic. I no longer attend mass at all. I just can’t do the pick and choose what is ok and isn’t ok thing. I thought that once we had a kid, we’d get him baptized and start back up. But he’s a toddler and I have no plans to do so. The sex scandal is so pervasive. I just can’t get on board with a big institution like that. Just, no. So yes your concerns are valid. We are doing IVF, now, too, and I didn’t even think about the Church’s position!

To add, I do sometimes wonder if our kid will miss out on some of the positive things I experienced growing up Catholic. For example, we were required to go to weekly classes that were super boring but kind of forced me to realize I don’t get to do everything I want to do all of the time. We also did community service. We learned not to lie, cheat, steal. But our kid can get those things from other places.

Post # 21
8614 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

anonbee3584 :  I think the primary value of any church is the community it brings. But it’s hard to feel fully involved in that community if you have fundamental differences in opinion. I would either seek out a particularly welcoming parish or ask your husband if another denomination is acceptable. Not all parishes and priests are the same and some are happy to ignore certain rules; my fundamental issue was the official position of the Church. But don’t allow yourself and your child to be a part of a community that will look down on you for the medical you needed. 

Post # 22
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

My husband went to catholic school and I am also catholic, did CCD but never got confirmed.  We don’t attend church regularly.  We did decide to send our children to catholic CCD one night a week.  I think religion is important to know about, all religions but to at least teach them the main one in their country which is probably Christianity in your country.  

Pop culture and history in general is rife with references to the Bible and Christianity.  I dated someone who had no religious teaching growing up and he misses references (in news, movies, conversations) to things like the Prodigal Son, Cain and Able, etc.  

Unless you’re willing to put the work in to teaching him general religious information yourself then I think CCD is a great way for them to have a foundational knowledge of Christianity.  Your child may decide they like it or may not, but I wouldn’t keep my child from learning Biology or History in school even if I knew for a fact they’d never need that information for a future job.  It’s just good to have that foundational knowledge.

Post # 23
929 posts
Busy bee


anonbee3584 :  200%

I’d like to add that while there are individual priests and churches who are more accepting etc, but to me, at the end of the day the fact that the “official” stance is opposed is enough for me. Your mileage may of course vary. 

I have been involved through friends in many Christian events throughout my life, my mother is devout, and a very liberal Christian, and I lived with some girls involved in the university faith-life group through school in my early 20s, and they provided me with some amazing real world examples of poeple living faith in a service based and accepting way. 

There are many sects of Christianity who will welcome you and your child with open arms, regardless of the circumstances surrounding their conception. To my opinion, you’d be better served to find a denomination that lines up better with your life, rather than hoping the particular Catholic priest you find is one that is swimming against the tide of official mandate. 

Post # 24
842 posts
Busy bee

charlie057 :  I’d like to add that while there are individual priests and churches who are more accepting etc, but to me, at the end of the day the fact that the “official” stance is opposed is enough for me. 

This is how I feel. The church I was raised in believes my marriage is an abomination cause I didn’t marry a Christian. My mom was devastated over this so she went crazy researching and asking around and eventually found a random priest in our denomination who said he’d be willing to marry us in the church even though the church’s official stance is it’s forbidden. I said no thanks. I don’t want to get married because of some loophole or exception to the rule. Let me know when the official stance changes and then we’ll talk. Maybe.

Post # 25
3442 posts
Sugar bee

emilyofnewmoon :  Similar experience. My husband was married once before. Hasn’t had contact with his ex wife in over a decade. The loopholes to get married in the Church were just too much. My parents even suggested hiring a lawyer who specializes in Canon law. Pass.

Post # 27
6899 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I was raised Catholic, as was my Fiance. For a number of reasons we both individually chose to leave the church, long before we met. I explored the Unitarian church and while I found it very inclusive and intellectually stimulating it didn’t “feel” like church to me. When my children were born my ex and I joined an Episcopal church. The service and many things were remarkably similar to my Catholic experience but without all the icky stuff I couldn’t handle in the Catholic church. Perhaps your husband can attend a service feel it out. 

I can’t imagine raising my child in a culture that didn’t think he should have been born, there is just so very much wrong with it. Congratulations on your pregnancy! Your child should be received with joy.

Post # 28
9890 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Is he open to finding a church that isn’t Catholic? One that maybe more closely aligns with your views? What are the specific positive influences he felt he got from growing up Catholic? Are they really specific to being raised Catholic or would going to another church give the same positive influences? 

Sometimes we just go straight to the default/what we are familiar with but I would really encourage him to be open to finding a church that is not Catholic. 

Post # 29
349 posts
Helper bee

hi bee.  i am catholic and i disagree with many of the church’s positions on things like contraception, abortion, gay marriage, etc.   there are plenty of people like that out there; there are more of us than some of the fundamentalists who have chimed in on this thread.  to be honest, i never even knew the church was against IVF.  my church growing up never discussed any of these issues even though they are technically the catholic position.  it was all about serving others and forming a community to support each other, not about intolerance.  

my faith in god is an important part of my life.   i grew up in a very catholic area and these traditions and customs are part of my identity and my family background.   it is important to me to pass on these same traditions to my children.  although i could technically join another christian faith, the catholic service and traditions are very different than any sort of protestant religion, and it would not be the same to me.

not all catholic parishes are the same.  i think with some effort you could find a parish that would suit your family. 

Post # 30
4548 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

anonbee3584 :  You mentioned that you were baptized Episcopalian. I’m not one to usually promote a particular religion or church, but as person who was baptized, raised, and confirmed Catholic and married a Protestant (in a non-church wedding), and is now going through IVF, it’s been a good fit for my husband and I – your husband might find it more to his liking than he might think as the service is very reminiscent of a Catholic mass. There a number of previous Catholics who either left the church or married outside the church in our congregation.

Again, a person’s religion and faith is entirely personal. I just saw a lot of similarities in our lives and backgrounds. 

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