(Closed) Question For Mommy Bees, especially those with Military Husbands

posted 8 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
2426 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I personally have not done that, so I can’t offer advice from that perspective.  My BFF’s husband is deployed right now and she has a 5 year old at home.  Several of her friends had their babies after their husbands deployed.  In her case, she lives near the base her husband deployed from (I do not), so there is a HUGE support system between the wives and they help eachother out.

So, can it be done?  Ofcourse.  Would I ever choose that?  Heck no.  It being “hard” is one thing, but to me, I think the emotional aspects of having a child and spending most of its first year without its dad at home would be just too much to handle.  I just can’t imagine my husband not being there for the birth of our child and then missing so many important milestones.  With that said, there is still the possibility that could happen to us, although I pray it doesn’t.

While we’re not trying to conceive and my husband isn’t currently deployed, I can say that we chose to spend almost the first year of our marriage apart because of a job.  At that point, we had already been in a LDR for 1 1/2 years, so we thought, “whats another 10 months?”  In hindsight, I realize that even though I have a fantastic job that I love and pays very well, it wasn’t worth it to spend almost the first year of our marriage apart.  While I’m sure we’ll be acting like crazy newlyweds when he’s finally home next week, we still missed out on the feeling in the beginning.

I guess what I’m saying is, being apart as two grown adults is one thing, but being apart with a newborn baby just adds so much more emotional stress…not only on you, but on your husband as well.  You’ll get to be there everyday with your new one, while your husband will watch your child grow through a camera.  Now, being a military wife, I understand that when your husband is ordered to deploy, you don’t have a choice and that’s just how things are done…but to me, no amount of money is worth it.  Atleast, that’s what I’ve learned in the last year.

Post # 4
Member
2867 posts
Sugar bee

Okay so I don’t personally have experience with this but my future sis in law does and has opened up about it some with my Fiance and I.

She met her husband in college, she was working towards a traditional 4 year B.S. in Physics and Mathematics and he was working towards a 5 year program B.S. in Civil Engineering.  They got engaged their senior year of college, she went off to Arizona to begin graduate school and he stayed in Indiana to finish his degree (they were apart for about 1.5 years). They got married after he graduated and he moved out there and joined the National Guard to have job just in case he couldn’t find one and to help pay down his student loans; he also found a civil engineering job so they went ahead and bought a house.  She graduated with a master’s in planetary geology and was pregnant when they found out that he was going to be deployed right before she was to have their child.  They decided at the time to keep their house and she would come back to Indiana (where all of their family is) and stay with her mother during delivery and the months that he was away on deployment and remain as a stay at home mom (~18 months).  Anyways, they decided after he got back that they wanted to remain in Indiana.  So they permanently moved back here, got renters for their place in Arizona (housing market plummeted), and he found a job near where her family lived and they had another child.  However, after 10 months he got laid off and was laid off for 8 months or so.  They ended up moving in with her/my Fiance’s parents when he got a new job so they could save on rent.  However, right before he found a new job (like 1 month) he decided to continue his enlistment (b/c they needed money).  Well guess what, he’s been reactivated and he’s supposed to do another 18 month deployment.  They want a large family, so I think they’re considering having another child between now and then (not that I completely agree).  She said the benefits of him being in the military are amazing and it was $50 total to give birth in a hospital for one of their children.  Unfortunately, her/my fiance’s parents have moved out of state because future father in law’s job was transferred so she won’t have help from them anymore.  However, the money is really good and has helped them keep a sizeable savings account.

It worked out for them and it’ll work out for you whatever you decide.  Sorry my post was so long, I kind of had to be specific about certain things to understand some other things.  Also, I say 18 months but it was a 12 month deployment with 3 months before and 3 months after  for special training and operations so it ended up being close to 18 months. Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I got married Aug.3 2010 my husband and i accidently got pregnant on our honeymoon.  I will due in may but he is going to afganistan march.  He is going to miss the end of preg. the birth, and the first few months of babies life.  This is my 3rd child so i know what is going to happen/ or at least an idea.  Im going to miss my husband.  We are trying to look at the possitives which are: medical will be taken care of because an active duty husband has great medical.  Our bills will be paid and we wont have to worry about me taking time off of work.  Its going to be so hard. 

I guess my advice is wait if you can, especially since this will be your first.  Although having a baby while he is gone will give you something to do and the medical would be covered having him there during this life changing moment is more important.

 Well, good luck

Post # 6
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Darling Husband is not in the US Military but he is an officer in a military and was away from Sept ’09 to Feb ’10.  We got married in April 2010.  When the opportunity came up for him to go abroad (extra pay etc…) I was not very enthusiastic but it would be a good opportunity for his career and it would help financially towards the wedding/honeymoon.  We decided jointly that he should go before our wedding so that when he got back we could focus on the wedding, the marriage and soon thereafter, trying to start a family.  I’m 33 and he’s almost 36 so neither of us wanted to wait too long.  We’re hoping to have a baby in the next year or so and I would be pretty devastated if he’d gone away at this point in our marriage/relationship.  I know it’s hard to balance what you want, what you think is best for your relationship and wanting to be supportive of Darling Husband but do your best to weigh the pros and cons.  I’m of the thinking that finances are only one part of what is really important (that’s the romantic in me – the practical side gets squashed sometimes!)  I don’t have any real advice for you but I’m in a similar situation (far from home and would-be-first-pregnancy/baby) and I would be pretty upset without him.  I am sure you will make the best decision for your growing family and I wish you lots of luck!!! 

Post # 8
Member
1016 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

I totally know what you mean!  If only there were a way to get a hint about the whole baby thing – I’m sure it will be fine (for both of us!)

Good luck and tell your Fiance good luck too – and to stay safe!!!

Post # 9
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2007

My husband is DoD (civilian) and while the money associated with a tour abroad was REALLY tempting, he decided against it in part because he wanted to be here for pregnancy/birth, etc.

I think I would have been ok with him going, but I would have definitely moved back in with my parents or something. I could not have handled living alone for my first trimester- I’ve had a really rough time with sickness, etc. and needing lots of medical care. If my husband wasn’t here to help me out, I’d want my mom.

Post # 11
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

My recommendation is to TTC in the middle of his deployment.  He will miss the first half of the pregnancy (which is pretty boring anyways) and come home just in time for the fun part.  Plus you’ll have enough money that you can move wherever you need to at that point.

It’s totally doable, and only requires that you diligently chart and know your cycle so that he can plan his leave around your body.  Plus it’s a real morale booster to see each other halfway through.

Post # 13
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

@baldor1: He doesn’t necessarily need to go all the way home.  Maybe you could do something fun like a mini-vacay in Dubai or Bahrain?  By keeping him “in theater” you not only increase the likelihood that he’ll get to take leave, but also you maximize the time he can spend with you!  It is a 24 hour trip from the Pacific Coast to Dubai, be warned that your end of the trip would be very long.  But Dubai is a great place to buy gold and pearls, and Bahrain has cheap and beautiful gemstones.

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