Post # 1
My fiance and I plan on moving into my parents’ house after we get married. We plan on just staying there for a year or two. Reason being, we want to save up enough down payment for a house. Currently, we are living together in a very expensive neighborhood and if we continue to live here it would take us a long time to save up for a house. It took us four years to save up for our wedding alone, and our wedding is not even as expensive as a down payment for a house.
My question is for newlyweds who are living with their parents or in-laws: Did your living arrangements put a strain on your relationship?
Post # 3
My husband and I have been living with my mom and her husband since right before the wedding. We had just moved from Boston to my hometown of St. Louis for my husband to start medical school, so it made sense to save money. We are looking to move out in the next few months, sooner than we’d thought. It’s been harder for me than it has for my husband because I don’t always feel like I’m treated like an adult. Our relationship has been fine, although I wish we could use all our wedding gifts.
Post # 4
I admire you bees who are able to do this. I think that if I had to live with my in-laws, I would lose my mind. If we had to live with my parents, it would grow old very, very quickly
Post # 5
I also admire bees who are able to do this. I so hated living with my parents that I literally moved away the second I graduated college. Like packed up my dorm room and straight into an apartment.
And yeah, I would lose it completely living with my-laws. Not to mention that their house is way too small anyway.
Post # 6
Living with my parents would drive me into an insane asylum. I’m not kidding, I got an apt my freshman year of college and have never regretted it. I love them, but they’re crazy controlling and my mom STILL tries to give me a curfew when I come back to stay for a week or whatever. Plus they live in a retirement community with my grandpa!
The FIL’s aren’t as bad. I’m over there a lot anyway, because as part of my job I take care of two elderly men that are there from before they opened their nursing home. Honestly, the FIL’s are really easy people to get along with, but even so I couldn’t imagine being in that situation where I wouldn’t feel like we could really have privacy.
Post # 7
We actually lived with my parents before we got married. We bought a house and did work on it so we lived with my parents for over 6 months.
It wasn’t bad. If anything, it was dangerously good. We both get along with my parents really well and spent so much time together when we should have been working on building our own independent social lives. Now that we are living alone, it is weird not having more company around. Living together, just the two of us, is actually a new challenge.
My big advice: Remember that you and your husband will feel the strain in different ways. What might stress you out about living with your parents will be very different from what will stress him out. Afterall, you will be living with your parents. He will be living with his in-laws. Entirely different dynamics. Just something to think about and pay attention to.
Post # 8
omigosh this would make us both flip out. IMO it’s so hard to be an independent adult and then regress backwards because I know MY parents wouldn’t treat me like an adult–they’d still treat me like a child (they still do sometimes too!) and I don’t think our rleationship woudl be the better for it. It’s doable–set boundaries and expectations for your relationship and your relationship with your folks. Just because it’s convenient to hang out with them doesn’t mean it’s necessary. Is mom going to cook you guys dinner during the week? Are you expected to check in ever so they know when you’re coming and going? (you are in their house after all). What will be your chores? etc.
Post # 9
I live with my in laws. I moved in before we got married. It’s ok. It’s not ideal, but I don’t mind so much. The part that bothers me most is that it’s not “our” place. If I want to buy something new for the house, then we have to run it by someone else. I can’t deccorate or rearrange things, I have to put up with MIL’s clutter. 70% of the things in our bedroom belong to SIL even though she’s not even here very often and I never see her touch even 90% of her things. Like there is one of those stupid toy robotic dogs that was given to her by an ex, books, an entire half of a closet, idk, just stuff like that. But, I manage and it’s not so bad. Mostly, Mother-In-Law leaves hubby and I alone. If we had to live with MY mom though, then I’d go totally absolutely insane and would have a really, really hard time with that. She always tries to intervene between us, generally takes hubby’s side, and eventually makes me cry saying I’m not good enough for him (true story). blech
Post # 10
I would lose my mind if I had to live with my parents or in-laws. Actually one of my conditions on even getting enagaged to my fi (he has been wanting to for awhile) was that we be completely financially independent from our parents. Which meant living on our own and paying our own bills. I understand they it may be a necessity for some people to live with their parents, but I just could not fathom getting married unless I was both emotionally and financially ready.
Post # 11
We’re going to do it. I have a condo in Chicago that will need to sell. I’ll take a hit on it but I’m ok with it. We’re going to relocate to madison and buy a house there once the condo sells and we have a downpayment.
Post # 12
Thanks everyone! I have a great relationship with my parents so I know they won’t get on my nerves. They are thrilled about the idea of us moving in because their house is immensly huge and it is always empty. Since their house is huge (6 bedrooms — and 5 are all empty) I won’t always run into them. My dad is usually busy at the garage or yard, and my mom is also always busy with her volunteer work. My fiance and I are also workaholics so we are never home, even now. My only concern was that the concept of living with others may put a strain on the relationship.
Thank you Jocelyn and EJS for your advice. I talked to my fiance about this and told him that we’re not going to do this unless he is 110% OK with it. I will also have a talk with him and my parents about boundaries before we go ahead with the move.
My fiance said he likes the idea as long as we give ourselves a time limit, and we agreed that during this time limit we would work hard to achieve our goal which is to save up enough deposit for a comfortable-sized home ( and not just buy shoe-box sized house.) Moving in with my parents will also give us a chance to travel before we decide to have kids. We’ve been wanting to go to Bali, Tokyo and Rome.
Post # 13
I had to do that. Pre-wedding, with our son! It was nice being around family, but things came up that I never expected…like food. My folks didn’t charge us rent, so I felt obligated to buy the fixings for dinner, every night, for 6 people (my bro was still living with them) for a little over a year. And I also felt obligated to help with heating and electricity…but my folks have a big house and it costs more to heat than our old apartment. And leaving our home in town and bunking with my folks in the boonies really took a toll on our gas budget, as it almost doubled. I guess what i’m trying to say is that we actually ended up spending MORE money than if we would have just stayed in our old place. But money aside, the only thing that really suffered was our sex life…or lack of!
Post # 14
Two days before our wedding I found out my company was going bankrupt. My husband had planned on moving in with me. Instead I gave up my apartment and moved in with my parents, he stayed at his job 6 1/2 hrs away and moved in with his parents, and we have been apart the first 6 months of our marriage.
In two weeks I’m moving in with my inlaws. Although I’m nervous, I’m looking forward to it! One because my husband and I will finally be together yay! And two because my inlaws are the most laid back, amazing people ever. I know there will be conflict, but honestly I’m happier moving in with them than having lived with my own parents the past few months.
As long as you set boundaries and are both on board for the move, then go for it. Just make sure you talk, and keep talking, with your husband. Sometimes it is difficult to bring up issues without sliding into hurt feelings on both sides. Just remember to communicate openly and I think you’ll be ok. 🙂
Good luck!! 🙂
Post # 15
My husband and I have the best of both worlds. My house is for sale and he gave up his apartment. In order to keep my house clean for showings (two dogs and 1700 sq ft does not make for easy cleaning) we moved in to my parents. The catch was that my parents have two houses on the property and we get to live in the smaller “guest” house in the back. Granted we have to cook with a hot plate, microwave and toaster oven, and 50% of the house is used for storage, but we are able to sock away 100% of his income for our future home.
It is still difficult because my parents “pop in” all the time, but they are helping us so we deal with it. I probably have the hardest time just because my mother loves to be “involved”. I work from home so she always wants to know what i am doing where I am going. It tends to drive me crazy sometimes, but in the end its worth it because we get to spend time with my parents that normally would be spent else where. My husband loves his bachelor sundays with my dad when my mom is at class and i am travelling. 🙂
My parents really have not affected our relationship, but since we did not live together before the wedding we are having some “growing pains” as a result of that. I would just make sure that you have plenty of time outside the house with each other and come to an agreement with the parents as to alone time in the house.
Post # 16
My Fiance and I currently live together and have been living together for about a year and a half now. But we are planning on moving in with my parents shortly before the wedding and staying there for a year or so. We are doing this because my Fiance is just finishing up law school and we are living in a different state from where we are planning on living in the future (basically just living here while he goes to school). We don’t want to add the stress of trying to find a new house on top of everything else (graduating law school, wedding, the bar exam for him, both finding jobs, etc.) so we just decided we would live with my parents for a bit and save some money for our own house. It will be weird since I haven’t really lived at my parents’ for about 10 years but I think it will be just fine. They aren’t too overbearing or anything. And I’m looking forward to spending time with them since I haven’t lived in the same state as them for about 4 years.