(Closed) Question for Parents – Be Honest, Have You or Would You Do This?

posted 5 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
1856 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Oh god, no. This makes me cringe on behalf of normal parents who have manners.

There are certainly places/events where I might expect that my child would be invited too, and would be surprised if they weren’t, but if they aren’t invited, they aren’t, and it’s not really my business to know why. People who write their kids in on their RSVPs are being pushy in my opinion; most people aren’t that dense.

I would probably decline if it would make things difficult for me – ie, if I had to travel a significant distance and was expected to leave my child at home (my husband lives in a different country, so no built-in extra caretaker at our house). But if I’m invited to an event or a party and I can get someone to watch my child, I’ll go. If it’s an event where my normal babysitter is invited to and I can’t find a suitable replacement, I’d just graciously decline like a normal person.

Post # 4
Member
2474 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’ve had 2 people RSVP so far with “little suzie or johnny” added on….its really freakin annoying. Granted these are actual babies who wont be taking up a seat/eating food, but I also dont want screaming babies either. 

 

I feel these particular ones are basically being pushy as there is TONS of family who watch these babies all the damn time!

Post # 5
Member
54 posts
Worker bee

@Zhabeego:  I dont think you should invite your children to this wedding

Post # 6
Member
2780 posts
Sugar bee

@Zhabeego:  I think probably those people jus assume that their kids are invited. Whenever people invite me places my first response is can my daughter come. Think of kids like a SO, they’re part of the deal. I think some people just need to be told “no kids” to get it. Also, I hate how people assume that it’s easy to just get a sitter. It’s not easy and it’s definitely not cheap..

Post # 7
Member
7901 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

I assume the invitation is only for the people expressly named. I would never RSVP for anyone else. I think it is the right of the hosts to decide whether my daughter is welcome.

Since Dirty Delete is really young, I’d probably call a couple if i were close to them as ask if I could bring my breastfeeding infant but that I completely understand if they aren’t comfortable with that. If I couldn’t bring her, I’d decline. Once she’s a bit older, I’d get a sitter or leave her with family if possible. That just wouldn’t work right now. If the couple were just acquaintances, I’d simply decline. I respect their choice to not invite my daughter, but they should also be prepared for me to decline. I wouldn’t tell them why I declined unless for some reason they asked, but it would be rather rude to inquire.

I think some people don’t understand and I think others do but are indignant about it and hope that the host will just let it slide and let them bring their uninvited children. If they’ve ever gotten away with it before, it just emboldens them to do it again and makes them think that invitation etiquette isn’t important.

Post # 8
Member
9922 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

So my questions are – do the parents who do this really, truly not understand that their kids aren’t invited or are they just being…well, pushy? 

Probably some of both!

“Do you just assume that any invitation you receive includes your kids?  If so, why?”

No, never. 

“Do you feel any invitation you receive should include your kids?  If so, why?”

No.

“Have you ever done this?  If so, why?”

No.

“What do you do when you receive an invitation that doesn’t include your kids? Get a babysitter if you want to go?   Do you call he host and ask them to make an exception?  Automatically decline? “

Either got the in-laws or a sitter or sent regrets.  

Post # 9
Member
7719 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@Zhabeego:  I have never done this. Whenever I get an invitation for us only, we arrange a sitter.

The only time I would ask for an exception is if (a) it was someone very close, and (b) a sitter was impossible. I had that situation once: it was my own brother, and the wedding was interstate so I had no way to organise a sitter I knew. I asked if I could bring our kids to the ceremony and he said yes. But I talked it over and reached a compromise. rather than just writing their names in on the RSVP, which is rude no matter what IMO.

Post # 10
Member
1791 posts
Buzzing bee

Most weddings are not for children to attend, and the ones that do, state ALLL of the names on their invitations. Whats next, they ask for their teacup chihuaha who fits in their purse to come to?

Post # 11
Member
9954 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I’m am over 50, so maybe that makes a difference… growing up Manners and Etiquette were huge.

It was taught at home… and it was a trait that Adults were expected to have mastered (in same realm as knowing how to excuse yourself from a situation, what to do with a napkin, and which tiny plate next to your Dinner plate is YOUR Bread Plate… and which one belongs to your neighbour)

So ya, there was no way I’d have ever mis-read an Invite be it 30 Years ago, or 30 Minutes ago

In my lifetime I’ve been to absolutely dozens of Weddings… first one I was a toddler.

Many of the ones that happened when I was a kid, meant I was either Invited ONLY to the Ceremony (as Ceremonies are truly open to all if they happen in a Church)… or to BOTH the Ceremony & Reception.

If it was only to the Ceremony, my Parents usually got us a Babysitter, or did a workaround with other relatives.  Many a memory of a gang of cousins all in one Hotel Room, watching Tv, eating pizza & popcorn, and having a “rotation” of Aunts come to check on us… Aunt Sally for an Hour, Aunt Martha for one, Mom for one, Aunt Gail for another etc.

We didn’t see it as a punishment, that is for sure !!  It was a party in our minds.

Occasionally, I wasn’t invited at all, that seemed to happen more as I got older (the late 1960s early 70s) and I was a Teenager.

Primary reason, I imagine was (a) It would have cost more for a couple to feed me, and (b) I was actually now old enough to stay on my own for a few hours… be that at home for a local Wedding, or in a Hotel Room for an Out of Town one.

I have to say, YES I was a bit offended that I wasn’t invited… BUT when I grew up and Planned My Own Wedding (first one circa 1980), I have to say I UNDERSTOOD WHY… Weddings were / are super expensive.  Lol, back then $ 25 to $ 50 a head was the norm for a sit-down event… Now goodness gracious I hear of Brides here on WBee who are looking at $ 100, $ 200 or even $ 300 a head (all in).  YIKES !!

Anyhow… as I was brought up with Manners & Etiquette Knowledge, when I had my own kids, I totally understood how to read an Invite and what my choices were as a Guest.

I could ACCEPT or DECLINE based on the parameters / choices that were presented to me.

And so, ya we had the same sort of experiences as my Parents did… some Weddings with the Kids, and some without.  No big deal.

Hope this helps,

 

 

Post # 12
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If I received an invitation addressed to me, I’m not sure if I would think my kids were invited or not (I don’t have kids yet, btw). I forgot to write “The _____ Family” and only wrote the parents’ names on a few invitations, but they assumed (rightly) that their children were also invited.

However, if there are a clear number of seats indicated, then it’s pretty obvious who is/isn’t invited.

If this were the case, and if I couldn’t find a babysitter, I would decline, not write in the kids’ names. Why would someone want to bring their children to an event where there will be no other children and might be bored the whole time, anyway?

Post # 13
Member
2587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2014 - UK

I’m not a parent, but as someone who used to regularly babysit for people who went to weddings – and their family members if they needed me – I do wonder why some people have such a hard time finding a babysitter. I mean, my teenage cousins used to look after me all the time when I was a kid; and most of my babysitting was done when I was in high school so I didn’t exactly have pressing engagements elsewhere. And I just asked them to pay me whatever they wanted to pay me – the way I saw it, I was in their house, watching their TV (and they usually had SKY, so lots of channel) and eating their food. Once the kids were in bed it was a pretty sweet deal. I think the most I got for one night was £40 for babysitting on New Year’s Eve, usually it was between £5 – £20 a night depending on who I was babysitting for.

I guess there must be people who don’t have family or friends/neighbours who are willing to earn a bit of extra pocket money, but most of my recommendations came from people who I regularly babysat for who’d give my details to their friends if there was a need.

 

Hell, babysitting was a sweet deal. I’d do it for some extra wedding cash now if I could, but I don’t know anyone with kids who need it any more! One of the kids I used to babysit just turned 18 the other week.

Post # 14
Member
3267 posts
Sugar bee

@Zhabeego:  

do the parents who do this really, truly not understand that their kids aren’t invited or are they just being…well, pushy? 


I think it’s a mix.  Some people are just clueless (though I don’t think there is any reason for this….even if you are a kid who gets a birthday party invitation you know that doesn’t mean you can invite Timmy from T-ball, to Sally from schools birthday party).  I also think there are some people who cannot imagine being seperated from their special little snowflake, so everyone should accomodate kids.

Do you just assume that any invitation you receive includes your kids?  If so, why?


I would never assume anyone is invited who isn’t specifically listed on the invitation.  If anyone (husband, kids, pets) weren’t included by name on the invitation I would either accept or decline as I saw fit.

Do you feel any invitation you receive should include your kids?  If so, why?


Definitely not.  Not all events are kid friendly.  I personally don’t think that bringing kids to a night-time, booze filled, fancy event is kind to the child.  A wedding isn’t really fun for kids.  They have to sit in scratchy uncomfortable clothes, sit still for the ceremony, keep sitting through out the reception, eat foods they may not be familiar with, sit through boring speeches, and then possibly get a few minutes on the dance floor, way past their bed time.  Doesn’t sound like the best idea as a parent.

Have you ever done this?  If so, why?


No kids, so definitely not.

What do you do when you receive an invitation that doesn’t include your kids? Get a babysitter if you want to go?   Do you call he host and ask them to make an exception?  Automatically decline? 


I don’t think anyone should EVER ask if ANYONE is invited.  You should accept or decline the invitation exactly as it is issued.  Asking puts the host in an awkward position.  There is no polite way to say “I’m sure you are so uncouth that you don’t understand how to properly invite people, so are you sure you meant to exclude Fritz?”  Even if you are unsure, you shouldn’t ask.  If they in fact were clueless and meant to include someone not listed on the invitation, they will follow up with you and ask.

 

 

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