question for SAHMs

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
2680 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

maebae :  what does your boyfriend do for work? Where do you live? Is 40k his “entry level” salary?

Personally I agree with your boyfriend. I think it would be wildly irresponsible to stop working and choose to support a family of 3+ people on $40k. I realize many families get by on far less, but to me the difference is that you would be choosing the struggle for no good reason. You need to take into account healthcare costs, retirement, what you would do if he lost his job, etc. 

Post # 32
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

maebae :  I can’t tell you if he will or not.  I’m a Stay-At-Home Mom and have been since our first was born.  My husband was always on board, but we’re very blessed financially, so that made the decision easier.

If you want to make it work, why not create a budget for you to stay home and live on that while you save your income for a year or two?  At least then you’ll be able to assess the realities of the financial impact.

As a side note, if your husband works in a high turnover field, it might not be a wise decision as you’d be relying on him for insurance and income.

Post # 33
Member
1188 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2014

Oops answered too quickly before I read the $40k comment.  I’m honestly not sure you could do that anywhere in the US.  Not easily and not with money to put away in case of a rainy day.

You have to save a lot more when you’re living on one income.  You have no safety net of having a second income.

Post # 34
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

maebae :  I’m not a Stay-At-Home Mom but I have been a Stay-At-Home Wife in the past and also been in the position where I worked but my husband made way more money than me. 

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable in what you want, BUT what you want is a tall order if the guy isn’t onboard. It’s kind of like asking, “Is it unreasonable to want to live in California?” No, that’s not unreasonable in itself, but if your husband hates California, has deep roots somewhere else, and is afraid he can’t afford to live in California and will hate it…then it’s a nonstarter. 

It sounds like your man is afraid of having to be the sole provider of your family. That’s valid. It’s just as valid as your desire to have a man who is a sole provider. There are men who are totally fine (and even prefer) being the sole provider, but there are also men who don’t want that role (just like there are women who don’t want to be Stay-At-Home Mom because they love their careers). 

It’s all about finding someone who shares the same vision of the future. If your guy is telling you very clearly that he doesn’t think this will work, that it makes him nervous, that he thinks you need two incomes…that’s your answer. You have to either be flexible and deal with that reality because he’s worth it, or move on and find a man who shares what you want. 

Post # 35
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee

stuckinwonderland :  great advice. 

OP, it doesn’t take that much money to live well if you’re smart about your finances. 

Post # 36
Member
1025 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

kaity.velazquez :  yes!! This too! Our son has medical issues and does NOT sleep. It is brutal. Being a Stay-At-Home Mom is no picnic right now. I think many get the impression it is much easier than working… some days I’m jealous of my hubby for getting a break and working! I feel blessed though to watch our son’s milestones and be ther for him right now. 

Post # 37
Member
704 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

maebae :  not selfish in my mindset but he has to be 100 percent on board, my husband sometimes wants the best of both worlds he wants to do no house work but wants me to work lol. If I could make the same amount he does sure I would stay working and we would have a maid and daycare possibly. But I don’t so we have always had a long term plan.

First off 40k would never work for us as we live in Orange County, CA. We knew off the bat hubby would need to be around the 100k mark to make what we want work for us. Mind you we already have a networth of a million from property we own. We have been working towards that as a team. He wants the lifestyle of a clean house and homecooked dinner every night. I do that now for the most part but not everything is perfect and he has a couple chores, more when I work full time plus weeks. There is a lot of times I’m exhausted, worn out, and knows this is not long term feasible so he knows me being a sahm is the best choice for all of us. I also plan to go back to school when we start having kids so I can possibly return back to working after they are past 5.

Post # 38
Member
2776 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

mrshomemaker :  yup, this.

OP it’s not about whether it’s selfish or not, it’s about the fact that you’re already wanting to change him and you haven’t even gotten married. Or had a kid. 

I’m a Stay-At-Home Mom now because I believe the first 5 years of a child’s life set up and sometimes determine what their adult life will be like blah blah blah. No dinner on the table or perfect wife things here. In fact I suck quite a bit at all that. 

Here’s the thing though, when I broached the subject with my Darling Husband, then SO, he was 100% on board. So while I shoulder most of the caregiving responsibilities, he shoulders the financial burden. It’s a 100-100 thing. I give my 100 to our son (and family), he gives his 100 to work and our finances. And so, it’s HARD for both of us. Sometimes he comes home super tired from his work and I wish I could just say ‘take the baby for the rest of the night please’ but I also know he’s also running on little to no sleep as well so I keep my mouth shut. 

Anyway, all I’m trying to say is if that is one of your dreams in life (and it’s a valid one, no matter whose philosophy you’re following) you’d be best served by dating and marrying someone who SHARES that vision and life goal as well. Otherwise your marriage’s middle name will be Resentment.

Post # 39
Member
9961 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Out of curiosity, what do you make a year? I think it would be interesting to see what you’re losing by going single income.

Personally, the thought of living on $40k a year for three people sounds like a living nightmare to me. I would constantly be stressed and worried about money.

Post # 40
Member
2400 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

40k a year would definitely require some major out of the norm lifestyle decisions. No new cars. Few vacations. Few extracurricular activities for everyone. No eating out. Definitely an atypical lifestyle for you and your kids. You might try living on 35k for a year or two, just to see if that’s the life you want and would want for your kids. 

Post # 41
Member
340 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It sounds like you and your boyfriend have different values. This is not to say that things can’t work out, but if I were you I would force the issue sooner rather than later. You don’t want to drag the relationship out if you know that what you really want to focus on is being a Stay-At-Home Mom. 

Post # 42
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

My dad was a work from home dad. (Very progressive of this, I know.)

His previous job had unpredictable hours. My mom’s was a steady job with “normal” 8-4 hours. Once I was born and my mom’s maternity leave was up, they decided he would stay home with me and freelance. His freelance work did require times they he couldn’t watch me (particularly as I became more mobile), so I had a family babysitter 2-3 times for week.

My parents made it work. It was fine. And they were lucky to have family support and the choice to do it.

It wouldn’t have worked if my mom’s job didn’t have good health insurance, pay, hours, and other benefits. It wouldn’t have worked if my dad’s job couldn’t be transitioned to a freelance position.

And it certainly wouldn’t have worked if both my parents’ weren’t on board.

Post # 43
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

maebae :  Just going to leave this here, after seeing your update that Suzanne Venker and her “anit-feminist” views are what speak to you…

Related image

 

and

That Would Be Great Meme | IF EVERYONE COULD STOP CONFUSING FEMINISM WITH MISANDRY THAT WOULD BE GREAT | image tagged in memes,that would be great,TrollXChromosomes | made w/ Imgflip meme maker

Post # 44
Member
3300 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

I think it depends on what you are making, and the price of childcare in the area. A friend of ours had twins and her entire income would have gone to pay for childcare. I will add that most the Stay-At-Home Mom I know the household income is a bit higher than 40k. Just basing this on the area we live. Hospital bills can be close to 5k for childbirth. 

Post # 45
Member
1221 posts
Bumble bee

I agree that you and your dh have to be in total agreement for you to be at home, and both of you have to commit to making it happen.  If he’s not on board, then I wouldn’t consider it. I don’t know where you live but 40 K sounds very low to support 3 people.  A whole lot of sacrificing would be involved, for the both of you.

Even if you both are in agreement about you staying home and you had no financial worries of any kind, You  might THINK you want to be at home f/t…. until you actually have kids. My game plan was to stay home for 3-5 years and return to work when my kids were kindergarten age. In reality….. I had alway worked (previously, I mean), had my own income, had nice relationships with my coworkers, etc and being home f/t was a huge change. I didn’t think I would miss working but I really did.

I had 2 babies in 2 years and there were times I wanted to rip my hair out being home with them. I couldn’t even pee without one of them banging on the door hollering MOMMY!!! and the day to day schedule of naps, reading the same book 40000 times, reminding them to stop yelling at the top of their lungs and using their inside voice, share their toyss, etc, got pretty taxing for me. Of course, you’re not me- and this might not apply to you at all. But I also think that I am not alone in finding managing two small children every day very tiring. I mean, I loved them of course…. but I ended up going back to work p/t and I couldn’t wait to get back. I got to pee on my own and if someone banged on the door when I was in there, they’d actually apologize!~ I sometimes had a coworker make me a coffee AND I got to drink the whole thing while it was still warm! My office remained as clean as I wanted it to be…. AND I loved that there weren’t constant interruptions! No one cried at work either because the others in the office were looking at them funny or touching their toys!

I’ve worked p/t now for several years and it really works for me. It’s a nice balance. I am home more often to attend soccer games, help out at school, make a deccent dinner periodically, that kind of thing. BUT…. I am also financially contributing to my retirment plan and I like the intellectual stimulation of working, plus if I want to join my coworkers for lunch, or stop at starbucks, that $4. drink isn’t a big deal.

Anway, just my 2 cents! I hope things work out fo you, bee, in whatever fashion they are supposed to. Good luck~!

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