question for SAHMs

posted 2 years ago in Family
Post # 46
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee

It doesn’t sound like you can afford it xo

Post # 47
Member
587 posts
Busy bee

A little bit of a different perspective here… My mom was a stay at home mom – from pregnancy until my brother and I turned 19-years old. She homeschooled us all the way through high-school. On one hand, it was a blessing that my parents were able to do this and I am very close to my family because of it. On the other hand, by the time that I hit college age, I was so ready to be out in the real world and to do things own my own. It built a lot of tension with my mom. She had been so used to “mothing me” all those years… and to an extent… I felt over mothered. Now any little bit of advice sounds like nails on a chalkboard. My relationship with my dad also isn’t as great as it could be. We love each other and get along well, but I don’t hardly have any memories of him growing up. He had to work two jobs so that my mom could stay home with us and as a result, he wasn’t around much. Now that I am an adult, I can’t really have a serious conversation with him. It’s the same kind five minutes of interaction / joking around then on your way as when I was little.  

Post # 48
Member
587 posts
Busy bee

Also worth mentioning, as stated above, he had to work two jobs to provide for us. And that is even with having a GOOD job. He has a double PhD and taught at a university while also running a private practice. He was done from 8:00 – noon and the private practice and most days didn’t get home from teaching until 8:00 at night. Weekends was taken up by grading. He did this so that he could make enough that we had a house to live in, he paid for our undergraduate degrees. He supported us was I got sick and had to stop working. He saved enough so that when he retired, by parents would have enough to live off of. He worked so that we had health insurance. He worked through being very sick towards the end of his career and having to teach a wheelchair because he had a couple months where it hurt him too much to stand and lecture. He refused to use his sick days, because he knew our family needed that money. In all that time, he never lavished himself with anything. He has always dreamed about having a nice boat, but with having to support us and with the extra money it cost when I got sick… they just don’t have money for a boat.

Bottom line, it can done with a one parent provider… but like with everything, this comes with a cost.

Post # 49
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2026

40k a year to support 3 does not sound like enough. Definitely not in the area I live. That’s enough to support one person comfortably. Travel, food, a nice-ish apartment, entertainment, and enough left over to put in savings. My goal would be to support my kid AND live comfortably without having to pinch money here and there. My parents are in the poverty line, and they’ve been pinching money since they came to this country. It’s not a fun way to live. It teaches you you can’t have everything in life, but I always think–what if? What if they had money to travel and entertain themselves instead of working their butts off every day? 

Anyway, I’d want a stress free lifestyle, so I think your SO should be making twice as much as he is and if not, that you need to work to save up for the lifestyle you want.

Post # 50
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I am a radical feminist and the negative responses you have received disgust me. Being a sahm is full-time work, as important as any paid employment. Women used to be shamed for working outside the home, now they are being shamed for wanting to work full-time at home. The fat that lots of women do both is irrelevant. As for the financial burden, read the book The Millionaire Next Door. Financial success does not necessarily depend on income and the book specifically discusses the role a stay at home parent can play

Post # 51
Member
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Carolsays :  Wow have you actually read any of the comments? Point out one that supposedly shames her for wanting to be a Stay-At-Home Mom.

People are pointing out that her Boyfriend or Best Friend doesn’t want to financially support a Stay-At-Home Mom and therefore they probably aren’t long term suited and she should stop trying to make him ‘come around’. 

Post # 52
Member
3042 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I am a Stay-At-Home Mom but my husband and I were on the same page.

I think most people want to replicate their youth and they model their expectations after their parents. I don’t think people can change their views on how they want to shape their families. It’s so personal and emotional. So I would ask dates lots of questions about family and childhood to weed out those with career-oriented moms and those with super uptight moms who had miserable children but excellent meals, a well-kept garden and a spotless house. 

Darling Husband, like me, had a Stay-At-Home Mom who was active in the PTA, volunteered, etc. My mom worked part time while I was in class because my Dad only made US $50K a year as a technician. She told me that she and Dad could afford necessities but nothing else during my early years (and this was back in the 1980s! $40K in 2017 is even less than that). DH’s father made US $450K a year as an executive so his mom didn’t work. As a bonus, she was a fun, active mom but terrible at all of that wifey stuff like cooking and cleaning, so it was super easy to impress DH with my average domestic skills. 

As for your money question, I feel weird posting DH’s income on a forum but I will say that I would feel uncomfortable being a Stay-At-Home Mom on less than US $80K per year. 

Post # 53
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

We don’t know your area cost of living or what you mean by a simple lifestyle.  But you do.  Go ahead and try it out.  Bank all of your income plus 10% of his to cover a baby in the house.  See if you two are both happy living on 90% of his salary. If so, you can keep it up and use the savings from your income as your rainy day fund for when you do have a child and stop working.

Make sure his career includes medical insurance for the whole family, and go with as much life insurance as you can afford.  My husband died young, while my children were still at home.  We had enough money that this wasn’t an huge problem, but others in my young widows support groups were grieving while trying to figure out how to house and feed their families with no income.  It wasn’t pretty.  

Keep up your working credentials by taking classes (maybe online) or occasional contract jobs.  If something did happen to him, or if he decided he really can’t deal with being the only one bringing in income, you can relieve that pressure.

Post # 54
Member
876 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

maebae :  I’m a Stay-At-Home Mom and it was a mutual decsion between my husband and I. I can 100% assure you that you cannot work full time from home with children under foot and no childcare. It is impossible.

Staying home with kids needs to be a choice that you make together or there will be resentment on both sides. As far as how much you need to make to support a spouse and a child that varies. In the NY metro area my husband was making well over 6 figures and we were very comfortable. We have since moved south and are even more comfortable as our cost of living went way down.

Post # 55
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

abouttodoit17 :  I was not talking about everyone, but if you go back and review the comments, you will see how some people use the word “work” to refer only to paid employment outside the home.  One person even wrote “you can’t just not work”. Whether we realize it or not, language reflects values and it implies that all that is done to care for a home and children is not work.

As for saying OP and man need to be on the same page, certainly it is a big obstacle if they are not. However, his attitude is shaped by what his culture is telling him. While a man 70 years ago, might have stayed away from a career woman, today many men do not value the contribution of the woman who works full time in the home. With the use of language on this thread, it appears many women are contributing to that mentality by using the word “work” only in relation to paid employment. So I think we all need to consider why so many men feel this way rather than just saying the OP and her guy are not on the same page.

With regard to affording it, the answer to that is complex. But I can say this…financial success depends far more on a couple’s knowledge of investing, saving and budgeting that on what the dollar figure is for income. And…all kinds of expenses come up with two people working…eating out for lunch…eating out for dinner when both are too tired to cook…work clothes….gas…mileage on vehicles…and childcare.

Post # 56
Member
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Carolsays :  So I think we all need to consider why so many men feel this way rather than just saying the OP and her guy are not on the same page.

No we don’t need to consider why so many men feel anything, this is about OP and her partner specifically.  If he doesn’t want to financially support a family alone then it really does come down to not being on the same page.  The ‘why’ really doesn’t matter, all that matters is that it’s not what he wants from life and OP is wrong to try and talk him into it. 

It’s true that there are many elements to financial success, however you cannot budget your way out of poverty.  If OPs boyfriend wants a life that doesn’t involve making $40k stretch for the whole family then he is perfectly entitled to that view. 

Post # 57
Member
2682 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Carolsays :  I don’t see anyone on here “shaming” the OP. For the most part, I think posters are encouraging her to take a realistic, hard look at her situation. 

 

 

Post # 58
Member
3114 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2016 - Surfer\'s Beach, Grand Cayman

My Darling Husband made 50k last year and I’m a Stay-At-Home Mom, however we were fortunate enough to be able to put 50% down on our home and only have a $500 mortgage, don’t have a car currently (we use car share), don’t have cable tv etc. Also most importantly we were both on board with me staying home. It can be done but it takes careful planning and a certain lifestyle. Btw I’m also a feminist, so I’m not sure what anti-feminism (cringe) has to do with being a Stay-At-Home Mom. 

Post # 59
Member
119 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

I have not read many responses so sorry if this is a repeat. As a medical coder myself you should know most remote companies will not let you work at home while being responsible for a dependent whether that be a child or adult. They usually have you sign something about this as far as I know. Medical coding can be hard and takes a lot of attention. It’s also really hard to get a remote coding job as soon as you get certified so you’d have to probably work on site at a local hospital a few years before finding something remote. As for me and my fiancé, we’re getting married this Oct and will probably start TTC in 2 years or so. He makes enough to support us and a child but I’m saving up money now and will probably be a Stay-At-Home Mom until the kids are in school.

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