question for SAHMs

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 108
Member
2444 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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maebae :  I don’t think rich in character and love precludes also being monetarily rich. So, not sure where you’re going with that last trailer comment. You do seem to be blissfully ignoring the realities that raising children at or near the poverty level can bring.  Children living  with little means  often equates to fewer opportunities  and a less successful life.  No one saying that money is everything, however, the reality is that  money  often  leads to Greater success in life. I’m not sure if you’re just young and naive or what the issue might be? However, I’m glad that you are at least embracing trying to live on your fiance’s salary alone for a while.

Post # 109
Member
2723 posts
Sugar bee

You said that you only want to be a stay at home mom until they’re school age, how long do you think that would end up being? In general I think it’s unfair to insist on being a Stay-At-Home Mom IF your finances can’t support it and your husband plays an equal role in home care. It’s definitely something you need to come to mutual understanding on, and it looks from your update that that’s the case.

But i think that as a Canadian I may have been quick to write it off because we get a year’s paid maternity leave. If you’re in the states I know that the mat leave is extremely short, and I think if that were the case I would want to at least stay home for the first year of each child’s life – and I’m someone to whom the thought of being a permanent Stay-At-Home Mom is WILDLY unnappealing. 

Post # 110
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

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maebae :  I don’t know where you live or if you would want your kids to go to college but being a one income household  would make that super challenging unless he’s making a really good amount…

personaly I and my two brothers were raised by a single, working mom and I can’t imagine a more loving household. Working doesn’t make you any less of a Mom. 

another thing to think about is if you want to send your kids. To preschool… you absolutely should because socializion is super important and as a former kindergarten teacher you can immediately tell the students who did not…. preschools are important …. 40K would not be nearly enough for my and my husband … like not even close , but I live in the Bay Area which is very expensive so it depends on location 

 

i can’t imagine the the stress of being the soul breadwinner, so much pressure! THAts probably where your guy is coming from,

Post # 111
Member
632 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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maebae :  40K sounds low for where I live but maybe it goes further in your area. If you have time to build up an emergency fund and your housing/insurance costs aren’t too much, it might work! Never mind that a Stay-At-Home Mom saves big time on child care ($20k a year for two kids here!) Just don’t forget that your husband would then be the only breadwinner, and that’s pretty stressful. Be understanding of his worries and that you might need to go back to work someday if your finances get shaky.

We had this argument too, only I lost and I was only a Stay-At-Home Mom for a little over a year. I miss it! Darling Husband had a bad situation at work to the point where I wanted him to quit,  so there was no way I could at the same time ask him to chain himself to that job…

Post # 112
Member
636 posts
Busy bee

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maebae :  

Child cognitive development and socioeconomic status: What do we know?

10 Theories On The Relationship Between Socioeconomic Status & Academic Achievement

http://www.popcenter.org/problems/domestic_violence/2

 

A quick google search will allow you to research the impact of a low socioeconomic status on childhood development, educational achievement, domestic violence, etc. There’s nothing romantic about choosing to raise a family in poverty.  Don’t mistake inconvenient facts for snark.  

Post # 113
Member
977 posts
Busy bee

Very disappointed in the nasty comments in this thread. I’m glad you are achieving your dream, OP. As long as you are very confident you can give your children a good quality of life with the income you will have, then you are doing nothing wrong. 

Post # 114
Member
739 posts
Busy bee

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rosydelight :  why is OPs ‘dream’ more important that what her Fiance wants though? 

 

OP you may be ‘rich in ways that matter’ but you can’t buy food or electricity with emotional riches!

Post # 115
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

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litttlemisslamb :  $40k would not be “poverty.” That would be lower middle class. The avg American family makes approx $55k. For 3 ppl, the poverty line is about $20k.

That being said, I was one of the ppl who said I would not *choose* to raise a child on $40k because I come from a low income family myself and know the challenges. But scare tactics…that isn’t right.

There are plenty of rich kids who do poorly in school, abuse drugs and alcohol, engage in domestic violence. But they are fine in the long run in spite of their poor behavior because they are rich. 

At the end of the day, having good parents and a strong family unit is a better predictor of how a kid will turn out than family income. 

Post # 116
Member
977 posts
Busy bee

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whnlz :  It’s not. That’s why there is compromise in marriage. Maybe I’m mistaken, but it sounds like that’s what they are doing. There’s give and take, sometimes you give, sometimes you take. 

I’m pretty sure 40k can afford food and electricty depending on where you are living. As far as we know, OP lives neither in San Diego or a gutter. So I think her family might be safe. 

Post # 118
Member
739 posts
Busy bee

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maebae :  If your SO is in agreement with everything why did you come asking advice on how to get him to ‘come around’ and if anyone had a ‘similar disagreement’?

Post # 119
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee

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maebae : While I am glad your and your SO are on the same page – because I do, as a feminist, believe that women should have the ability to choose whether they would like to be part of the workforce, or stay at home with their children – I just wanted to add one thing to the conversation which may or maynot apply to your situation and that is that part of the whole equality thing means your SO should have an equal opportunity to choose whether he would like to work or stay home with the children.

Again, this may not apply to your particular relationship but I think it is an important thing to consider beyond the pure financials which lots of people have already discussed. I know my Darling Husband feels very strongly about having time to be home with our daughter (coming soon!) and parent her, and I have read a lot on the benefits to everyone – the child, and both partners – of having fathers (or the second partner) more directly involved in childcare. When I read these stories of one partner having to work 2 or 3 jobs, to allow the other to stay at home I can’t help but wonder how involved they are able to be in their child’s life and how they feel about it.

As I have said – different strokes for different folks – but that would be the conversation I would want to have with my partner. Not just “Do we have enough money to make this work?” but also “Will this set-up allow YOU to do the sort of parenting YOU have always wanted to as well?”

Post # 120
Member
2000 posts
Buzzing bee

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maebae :  If it works for you- great. But what you are posting now is very different than what you originally posted, which is probably why you got the responses you did. $1 goodwill onesies probably work out just fine. I don’t think anyone is trying to tell you that unless you dress your baby in $50 onesies, they’re destined to fail.

I think what people are trying to communicate is that raising children is expensive. Just because you and your husband are okay with buying everything second hand, living in a trailer, not taking vacations, doesn’t necessairly make it the best way to raise children. $40k is just not a lot of money for a family. At some point, your children will be unable to do things that their peers are- playing school sports, going on school trips, buying a new dress for homecoming, going on a vacation. That’s a discussion you will have to have with your children and explain that you and your husband decided you being a Stay-At-Home Mom mom was more important than providing some these things. 

Heaven forbid any of your children need extra medical attention, physical therapy, speech therapy, etc. Things can get extremely expensive very quickly. Not everything is covered by insurance. Again, you would have to have that conversation with your children. “sorry, we decided mom should be a Stay-At-Home Mom, so we could not afford to take you to speech therapy. But- we have a roof, food and bed!”. They probably won’t understand. 

I totally agree with you that some people go nuts raising kids, spending tons of money on things that aren’t needed. But there is a lot more than providing your children with food, a trailer and a bed. 

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