Post # 1
My boyfriend and I are approaching 30. We’ve been together for 9 1/2 years. He brought up marriage early on, and it always seemed like something that was important to him. Over the years, life kept getting in the way, and it just never happened. In the past few years, it’s become less and less important to me, and now I don’t really think I want to get married. It would feel more like a technicality at this point, like something we did just because we’re supposed to, rather than something we both really wanted. I know he doesn’t agree with me, but the romance and magic of it all just isn’t there for me anymore. I literally have no feelings about marrying him, and getting married that way just feels…wrong. It almost feels like we’re past that point, already and there’s no need to get married. This isn’t a matter of being comfortable waiting. I’ve moved on to feeling like getting married would just be a needless hassle. This isn’t a fleeting symptom of waiting frustration-I’ve felt like this for a few years. I just kept hoping it would change.
Can anyone else relate? He’s not exactly in a hurry, but I know marriage is something he wants eventually. He’s even told me that he’s not sure what I would say if he asked, and I really don’t know what to do. He’s upset, but I can’t help but feel like he put himself in this situation. I definitely don’t want us to stay together just thinking that the other one will change their mind, but I don’t want either of us to have to compromise on such a major life decision. If I’m being totally honest, I resent him for waiting so long and expecting nothing to change.
I know this doesn’t really qualify me as waiting, but I figured if anyone would understand what waiting does to a woman, it would be you ladies. Does this mean it’s time to call it quits?
This topic was modified 4 years, 8 months ago by Harley_Quinn.
Post # 2
I dont really understand where you say your past the point of marriage? Ive been with SO 10 years and not so patiently waiting anymore ive set a walk date. So I can relate to your SO but I also understand why you say waiting has changed you.
I guess if he wants to get married he shouldnt have to give that up. If you two ended things and you met someone else would you marry him? Is it only because he has waited so long?
Do you love him? Do you see your life with him?
Post # 3
Perhaps the length of your relationship has mellowed you out with regard to marriage? I’m fairly traditional (marriage before babies) so it was always important to me, but I also knew I didn’t want kids until my mid 30’s so there wasn’t really time pressure. We were together for 8 years before I proposed.
Marriage isn’t the be all and end all for a lot of people these days. Society has changed, maybe your views have changed as well?
I think you need to separate the two issues. If you want to stay with him but don’t particularly want to get married, that’s ok. If you don’t really want to be in a relationship with him, that’s a problem. Assuming you want to stay together, it’s all about compromise. I do worry that you’re looking for an out though (the way your post was worded).
Post # 4
I don’t know you, I can’t be sure of your feelings, but I can tell you my story of a circumstance where I felt similar.
In 2000, after a year of dating, I got engaged. The wedding didn’t happen for a mutitude of reasons from money to health issues to family issues for 10 years. By the time we actually got married, it was no longer something that mattered and I only did it because it felt like something we “had to do”. My marriage was performed by my mother who had gotten her reverend credentials online. We sat at a table in Starbucks to do this. That marriage only lasted 2 years, and I was miserable the entire time.
So, given my history and what I read in your post, I highly suggest going to counceling and giving some long hard thought to if you still want to be in this relationship or not. Resenting him for waiting is not a good or healthy thing to continue a relationship with.
Post # 5
OH and I have been together 11 years next month, we’ll both be 28. Being together so long – and moving in together last year – has only intensified my feelings of wanting to get married to this man.
I think you need to assess whether it’s marriage that’s the problem or the relationship itself.
Post # 6
Are you excited about the thought of the future with him even without marriage. If not maybe it’s not marriage thats the issue. My friend was with her now husband for 14 years before he proposed. she was super impatient to marry him. My feelings toward marriage have changed but I still want it.
Post # 7
At the end of the day, when all the love and glamor is stripped back, marriage is just a legal status that entitles you to certain rights and obligations. Ask yourself: Am I comfortable being committed to somebody even without all that? If the answer is yes, then you guys are okay. If not, then you need to have a sit-down.
My brother and his fiancée finally got engaged after ten years just a few weeks ago and for the longest time they were both content to just be together without being married, and even now they’re still not rushing to plan the wedding.
Post # 8
I can totally relate. Fiance and I have been together almost 13 yrs, and I just got a ring in November. We have a great realationship, own a home together, six years ago I left my career to go to grad school and he paid for it, etc., etc., so I really didn’t care about getting married. I’m already in the most committed supportive relationship I know of. I like how you put it — as far as getting married goes, it feels like we are far past that point. I know we are committed, that we’ll be sitting out on a porch together in rocking chairs when we’re 80, that we have one of the best relationships I’m aware of. So why bother with the piece of paper? Especially given that it derives from misogynistic culture? The fact that I love him and I do see my life with him is why I DIDN’T think much about marriage anymore after the first year or so. After that first year or so of figuring it all out, we totally settled into each other and a really awesome life, and I’ve always felt very secure and happy in the relationship.
Most of the stuff I see “waiting bees” bitching and moaning about wanting, I already felt I had. People seem to get upset waiting because they feel they haven’t been “chosen” or that the man isn’t committed or is still holding out for someone better or something (and much of the time they are right) — but I’ve always known I was chosen and loved and that my man was committed fully to me for life. So the technicality of marriage just wasn’t a big deal, especially since I love our life so much the way it is. (That’s a whole other thing … I think a lot of folks aren’t happy with their life and relationship the way it is, and they hope marriage is going to magically change it all for the better. If that ever works, I sure haven’t seen it … )
We’re getting married now for us. But we are eloping — some big wedding with money spent on cloth napkins and chicken-or-pasta-or-steak entrees and favors that no one cares about and a little bride-and-groom cake topper would be, well, like how you put it … we are far past that. Far, far past it.
I didn’t need to be “waiting” for anything all of those years … I already had it. Sounds like you might be in the same space.
Post # 9
From my experience, when someone wants to marry you, there’s nothing that can stand in the way…at least not 10 years worth of somethings. I was with my ex for 12 years prior to getting married and felt the same way as you. Mostly because I was embarassed and resentful that it hadn’t happened yet and it felt silly so far into the relationship. Needless to say it only lasted a few years more before we divorced. There was a reason he didn’t propose. He/we had issues. He wasn’t sure about his commitment. I should have listened to my gut and avoided a bunch of pain and expense.
For what it’s worth, a “walk date” is the absolute worst thing you can do. Dont give ultimatums for marriage. If you are at that point, it’s best to leave. I can guarantee that the only other outcome of that is a resentful husband.