(Closed) Question for the Men – Why the Emphasis on “Surprise”?

posted 11 years ago in Waiting
Post # 18
Member
3674 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I think it’s different for different people. I know my husband thought of what I would like for a proposal, and I wanted a surprise. I think I like the tradition of it. Other people go and pick out a ring together and that’s it.

Post # 19
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@Mr. Tattoo: I think a lot of people, probably myself included, see the ring as the man putting your actions where your mouth is, especially in this day and age wherea lot of people claim only lip service to the ideal of marriage.  How many women have had a guy say, “sure I’ll marry you, baby,” only to never, ever have any follow through?  Meanwhile, if a guy takes the time to look for and find a ring which is an accepted symbol of his intent to marry her, he’s following the steps in the dance our culture understands and expects.

A promise is the important thing, but symbols and ceremony are part of being a human being.  Why do I have a certificate on my wall to show I have a degree?  Why did I wear a funny flat hat and walk across a stage to get that certificate?  Because it’s something anyone can look at an see that I worked towards something, without me having to sit there and talk endlessly about what classes I took, how many hours I’d work outside of school and so forth to get them to respect that I took that effort.

Not to hijack Flutter’s post, but one of my main probalmes with not being married or even engaged is that people DO judge you and our SO based on how long you’ve been together, whether you’re married and whether you have or plan to have kids.  Even with all we’ve been trhough and the fact we’ve been together going on 15 years, we get far less respect from people than our friends who are getting married this June after 9 months of dating.  It’s just a fact that symbol and ceremony mean a lot in our culture, and an egnagement ring followed by a wedding ring are two of the most powerful symbols you will find in Western culture.  Now the 2 mos. salary is just a clever marketing scheme these days, but way back when, when ladies did not support themselves it was a way to show her family that you weren’t a deadbeat who couldn’t support their daughter.  

Post # 20
Member
2200 posts
Buzzing bee

I have no idea- I questioned this myself… my SO wants to do some big ole surprise when the time comes… and all I want is to be engaged already so I can actually pick up magazines and start planning (I am not a pre-planner). I honestly could care less about the surprise- I care more about the time and the fact that he FINALLY did it.

Post # 21
Member
2689 posts
Sugar bee

OMG, EXACTLY!


>If I’m going somewhere unsual on my birthday, being driven by my SO who never drives, I’m going to know soething is up.  Now, if he were to, several months before said birthday start driving instead of me on a more regualr basis, and we started going new places, then I might actually be surprised that special day.

I was thinking about this, this morning and I wanted to tell my SO this, but I’m not trying to get started on the engagement, but a surprise proposal would be us watching tv like we usually do or eating dinner at home because, I’m not thinking about that at the time. I’m thinking about that joke or if he likes the veggies.LOL

But I’m gonna listen to Mr.Tattoo. My SO says all the time that he has a plan and that I need to trust him to do it, so I will. Doesn’t mean I won’t wonder in the meantime.lol

Post # 22
Member
3974 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@Isilme: I think a lot of people, probably myself included, see the ring as the man putting your actions where your mouth is

Exactly. I think you summed everything up perfectly in your post.

Post # 24
Member
1065 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t see the OP’s post as wanting the spotlight on her and wanting to show off a ring.  It sounds like she just wants to be engaged to the man she loves.  The engagement ring is just a physical symbol of the intent to marry.  As isilme pointed out, society tends to like symbols, but you don’t need a ring to be engaged.

Post # 25
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

yeah but the symbol comes with requuirements. If its just a symbol then why is there a demand for certain stones, settings,size, color,ect. I love it when some women say they would be happy with a twisty tie…but how true is that? I don’t understand how spending thousands on a symbol shows a woman how much he loves you. If a guy says lets get married, then set a date and do it. OP you have several options heee. You can continue to fight about it and get a shut up ring. You can trust him and let him do his thing. You could give yourself a timeline but be prepared to follow through with it. You could propose to him. 

Post # 26
Member
3974 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

It’s not about the ring, it’s about being “official”. Like I said above, I’d be perfectly happy to tell people I am engaged now, without a ring, but my SO will not let me until he gets me this ring and proposes.

Post # 28
Member
8375 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think, if every time you guys talk about this, you end up crying and super upset, you’re not going to be very happy when you are engaged….or YOU will be, but at the expense of your Fiance, you know? You’ll always question why he finally proposed….did he feel guilted into it? Hurting you is taking the fun out of it for him…..and if you aren’t going to propose to him, the ball is in his court and you have to accept that.

Post # 31
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

@Mr. Tattoo: My requirement is that it’s pretty, kinda cheap and fits my finger.  Oh yeah, and it comes with him asking me to marry him.  😛

Do I prefer “white/silver” colored metal to Mr. T-style bling gold.  yes.  Does that mena I want a cetain grade of platinum/unobtainium?  No.  I’d be fine with an aquamarine solitaire in sterling silver, which frankly costs about as much as our X-box.  Would I like to know that my BF values me and our relationship at least as much as his Xbox.  Yes.  I’ve even found such rings well within our budget, but don’t know how to show my BF, since he wants to choose all on his own, but his brother (I think) got ripped off for $4K by Kay jewelwer when he went to get his now fiancee her ring. 

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