Question for those who waited 1+ year(s) past your deadline.

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2587 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

bluebee1208 :  I guess each person is different but I never had a hard deadline in my mind that I would leave if he hadn’t proposed by. 

I decided early on I wanted to be with him forever and I’d rather be with him and unmarried than married to anyone else. He didn’t know that. 

We both grew and changed so much over the 8 years we were dating that when he did propose it was perfect timing for us. I guess I would have been happy with a proposal two years prior to that, but I didn’t want to leave him just because we weren’t engaged yet. 

We’ve now been married for over a year and together for ten this month!!!

Post # 3
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

I didn’t have wait over a year, but here’s my two cents regardless. 

We has agreed early on with marriage, and then within a year of getting engaged, we agreed on a timeline to be engaged within. My lovely man met this timeline, but if he hadn’t, I would have been extremely hurt and had to have serious discussions with him. I still would have likely waited for another year or two (finishing up college) before leaving. But if he hadn’t proposed with 6 months of our 6 year anniversary (we started dating at 17, hence the length of time), I absolutely would have left, as I likely would have been emotionally destroyed and extremely resentful. 

As is, we are happily having our big wedding around our 6.5 year anniversary!

Post # 4
Member
839 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

My walk date is August 1st, and I won’t be waiting a day past that. For me it’s a hard deadline because my boyfriend has told me he has been planning to propose in July, so I am holding him to that (and will be able to). For my own dignity and sanity I can’t give him any wiggle room because I’ve been waiting for about 2 years out of an 11-year relationship. And in my opinion, his “good” excuses ran out a year ago. So in my mind, the past year has been his “extra” time.

I am giving him the benefit of the doubt now that he wasn’t stringing me along prior to me asking for his exact timeline. But since he has given me the impression of making excuses and moving goalposts (even though he claims that he didn’t), if he doesn’t step up in July, then that is the conclusion I will have to make.

In terms of resentment and regret, I think I am at peace with whatever happens. I have told my boyfriend how hurtful and uncertain the past year in particular has been, how I have felt strung along, and that I resent it and am disappointed in him. I wanted those feelings out in the open, so that he understands that if we go forward then we will have to work through that. He has acknowledged the mistakes he has made over the past year, so I am willing to work with him if he shows that I can trust his word going forward. This includes proposing when he has said he will.

If he decides to not propose, I don’t think I will regret not doing it sooner because, with the way things happened, I feel that everything is more certain now, and that I am stronger in my conviction. If I had walked away after his first “red flags” (e.g. using the “more money” excuse, feeling guilty due to “depression”), then I think I would have wondered if I was making the right choice. Also it would have been hard to leave because I know he would have begged me to stay. I don’t think I was in the right place mentally to handle a breakup before now. I was unemployed, I would have needed to find a new apartment, and probably a therapist. But I’m all set on all fronts now.

I know he will beg in August if it comes to that, but I will have the strength to put my foot down because my conscience will be clear and I will have a concrete example of how I can’t trust him to follow through on what he says. 

What I do regret is not getting the specific timeline sooner. At the time I didn’t think I needed it, but in retrospect it would have been very helpful in determining if my boyfriend really had a plan or was stringing me along. Perhaps I wouldn’t have set a walk date if I had the timeline and maybe could have worked out a compromise before now. 

Post # 5
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee

I’m walking in October when our lease is up. I waited until 2 months past the deadline to make the final decision. I am at peace with it and working towards being financially able to leave. I’ve been dragged for being selfish (leading him on or some shit) but I frankly just don’t care. He lead on me on into cohabiting and now I’m leading him on to save enough money to leave. If he had proposed when he promised maybe we wouldn’t be here but you know his choice..he isn’t into me proposing. I totally would have. 

So yeah I know I’m not your intended audience but I had a mental walk date and am saving for my physical walk date. I’m not going to lie and tell you any part of this was easy. Because it wasn’t. But I finally had to put myself first. I tried to compromise for him and well learned a hard lesson about reciprocity. I’m definitely carrying that into my next relationship (if I have one).

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 6 months ago by  phillygirl93. Reason: added last few sentences, re-read post and added a few thoughts that came up
Post # 6
Member
2134 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

I know I’m not your intended audience, because I did not have to wait a year (thankfully!), but it did take longer than I thought. I spent about 5-6mos thinking “WTF are you waiting for??”. I did have a walk date in my head, and it was actually this upcoming weekend. Now, I’m going to go past it, but its because the ring isn’t in yet. But I was fully prepared to walk, even had an apartment lined up. 

The one thing I really regret was not getting on the same timeline sooner. I feel we could have been planning a wedding already, and instead I’m still waiting to make it official. We both talked a lot about marriage at the end of the year last year, and I really wish I would have had a more concrete timeline disucssion. Instead I was trying to be the “cool girl” and not pressure him. If we would have had a real discussion about it at the beginning of the year, I would have saved myself a lot of stress, and I could have gotten him going on the ring. He had no idea how long the planning takes, and literally thought we would walk into a jeweler and walk out with a ring, and book a venue for like 3 months out. He honestly thought they filled up by season! So needless to say, I regret not doing the conversation sooner, and saving myself some stress. 

I did move in with him before we were engaged (didn’t want to but extenuating circumstances) and at first I regretted it because I was miserable. But after we had the “future” conversation I am actually really glad we went through that. It allowed us to both speak our mind and how we feel and that conversation is really what brought us closer and into the current “honeymoon” phase that we are in. It also answered a lot of my questions and silenced some of my doubts about us making it. We both talked like adults, and agreed to really get on the same team. So, it was uncomfortable, but I’m really glad we went through some of the stress.

Post # 7
Member
728 posts
Busy bee

For me personally, I view deadlines as somewhat sexist I guess. I realllly wanted to get married, and despite having proper conversations it just wasn’t happening. So I sat him down and said “I would like to get married next summer, how do you feel about that?”. He said “let’s do it!”, and we began planning. I personally see no reason why either partner can’t propose, so I would say that if you want to get married, go ahead and ask him.

Post # 8
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee

I have had deadlines pass and I am still waiting. However, all of our timelines were mutually discussed so that we were both on the same page. We ended up pushing our timeline back twice before the deadline was reached either time, again both mutually agreed upon.

I think that is really the key to avoiding resentful waiting. There is no problem if you need longer, as long as you are both agree and are comfortable.

Our current deadline is October and I don’t see any reason why it would need to be pushed back again. We have been together for over 7 years and still have decided to wait this long despite knowing we were committed to each other pretty early on. Taking things at our own pace.

Post # 9
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee

I didn’t have to deal with this, but I’ll note that I’ve talked to guys who keep their girlfriends “waiting” about their reasons, and it’s almost never a promising answer.

Post # 11
Member
16 posts
Newbee

OH and I have been together for almost 7 years (September!) and lived together for 5. When we got together (I was 19, he was 25), I said to him that I’d like to be engaged by 25 and if he doesn’t propose to me by then, then I would propose to him. He’s a traditional guy and he’s always been adament that he’d say no if I asked because “I deserve to be proposed to, so he can show me how much he loves me”.

 

25 comes and we still aren’t engaged although life got in the way so I kind of expected it because I unexpectedly went back to university for a further 2 years. I gave him an extra year as a gesture of good will (lol). Now I’m almost 27 (next month) and him 33 in October, and we’re pretty much in a position finally to be able to work on funds for rings and the wedding so I have a feeling that it won’t be too long now.

 

It’s been a long wait and frustrating at times but I don’t regret it for a second, I wouldn’t leave him if he didn’t propose to me within a timeframe – our relationship means so much more to me than that and I fully trust him to follow through on his promises. There’s always been good reason to wait (mainly financial!) and I respect that. If he was making me wait because he wasn’t control or wasn’t ready and was just stringing me along then I’d understand but I’ve never doubted that he’s always had my best interests at heart and for him, that means being in a position to give me a nice ring and wedding. He says his deadline is the 30th June 2019 but I have a feeling (and hope!) that he is bluffing. We’re going away to Germany for the Christmas markets in December (it’s a place that is special to him as he studied over that whilst at university) so we shall see….

Post # 12
Member
4567 posts
Honey bee

I’ve seen it expressed many times that someone who was formerly in a waiting relationship wished they’d left earlier. You can’t get this wasted time back. Someone who has made you wait years, seen your distress, and remains unwilling to do anything to alleviate it is not someone I would advocate marrying under any circumstances. But I’m not patient at all.

Thank god.

Post # 13
Member
76 posts
Worker bee

sunburn :  Completely agree, especially with the bit about how the wasted time will never be given back. I waited 10 years. I did not have a deadline. I wish I had had one as I would have walked away far earlier into the relationship than after 10 years. I wasted SOOOO much time, a complete waste!

Post # 14
Member
8798 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

“he’d say no if I asked because “I deserve to be proposed to, so he can show me how much he loves me”.

Isn’t that a new one  for the Mens Excuses Handbook, or did I  miss  it ? 

Post # 15
Member
1391 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

elderbee :  I think that is a new one. It seems to have worked though.

I’m glad that bee is happy, but I would not have stood for 8 years with no proposal, college or not. My FI used an heirloom stone in a new setting for my ring, at the age of 21! If you both want to make it happen, it can happen, regardless of circumstances. 

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