(Closed) Question– why do you guys wait?

posted 7 years ago in Proposals
  • poll: Would you have liked to decide together when to get engaged?
    Yes, I would have. : (48 votes)
    48 %
    No, it was fine. : (51 votes)
    52 %
  • Post # 32
    Member
    751 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @MariContrary:  I haven’t really noticed the 25 and under thing, it seems to me like it’s actually the opposite. Have you seen this here on the Bee?

    Post # 33
    Member
    1589 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2014

    We discussed it and agreed to get married and would be engaged as soon as he proposed. The wait was not easy and it was about five months from when I first thought he’d propose to when he actually did. 

    The reason I’m cool with the concept? It was “his” moment. He was very excited about it being the one wedding thing that was really going to be his thing. He’s very laid back and said I could have the main control over most of the wedding. And lets face it, the wedding is the brides day in a lot of ways.

    Post # 34
    Member
    230 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    Personally, I don’t believe in waiting around for someone else to determine when you are going to get married.

    Both my husband and I were of the ilk that if marriage didn’t look like it was in the cards after a year of dating, then it was time to go our separate ways. 

    We had both been in situations in the past where we were “strung along”, so we both had the mindset of “$&!^ or get off the pot!” 

    Post # 35
    Member
    236 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    @MariContrary:  Eh, I think the “under 25” is a bit of an overgeneralization. I have seen many bees over 25 on the waiting boards expressing frustration and angst over waiting for the proposal.

    I think it comes down to the maturity and communication of a couple. Also, waiting is not a bad thing. If one person is ready and the other is not, waiting can be seen as a form of respect for the other’s need to grow and get prepared. I would rather see someone wait than force thier SO into proposing.

    Post # 36
    Member
    433 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I’m Muslim so in my culture, you date someone if you plan on marrying them so although people already consider us “engaged” we won’t be considering ourselves officially engaged until he gives me the ring (which we designed together but I haven’t seen in person). For me, the reason I want to wait for the engaged status until I get the ring is because once I get it, then we will begin planning the wedding. If we had just told everyone we were engaged when we decided we were going to get married, they would have started questioning us about the wedding which we haven’t even started planning.

    Post # 37
    Member
    789 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    I don’t understand the waiting angst either. I thought it was because I’m older than most on these boards but it’s refreshing to see all ages commenting here. I can’t understand allowing such an important decision to be controlled by one party. If you’re on different pages with timing, there needs to be conversation. One person shouldn’t be suffering awaiting the big decision (pick me! pick me!). I worry that some posts seem more about the ring, the attention and the wedding planning than about the commitment to a marriage.

    For us we knew we’d be married since early on. I had my 12 year old daughter living with me and a son in college and wouldn’t have brought a man into the house without knowing we were permament. 2.5 years into our relationship we started discussing the “when” part. We chose ring materials together and searched online for styles we liked. When I found an out of state designer whose work I loved we mailed everything to him and my husband worked with him online to create something wonderful. At one point they realized my DH’s original idea couldn’t work and they asked me for an opinion on a design. It was a collaboration. Unfortunately it took 6 months to finish because the jeweler had a serious accident. On our 3rd anniversary together, my guy had secretly received the finished ring and proposed to me. 

    Post # 38
    Member
    12246 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    We talked about my relationship timeline (not his, though…) when we’d been dating for like 6 months.

    I said I saw engagement happening after 2 or 3 years of dating, a year of engagement, a year of marriage, and then trying for baby #1.

    I was afraid my 5-year timeline would scare him off!

    But six months later he came back with “What would be your minimum amount of dating to accept a proposal?”

    I said “18 months, because of all the studies that 18 months is the best amount of time (as far as empirical data suggests) to date before engagement”

    He looked at me, said “That’s the stupidest thing to base an engagement timeline on ever.” (Which was HILARIOUS)

    We got engaged 2.5 months later! He said he tried to wait until NYE (just after my minimum timeline), but he just couldn’t!

    So we got engaged after 14.5 months of dating!

    Post # 39
    Member
    5006 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2018

    No matter how many times we talked about getting married, FH didn’t consider us engaged until he got down on one knee and gave me a ring. We had a tentative date before we were even engaged. Everyone around us knew we planned to get married. But, to him, it wasn’t real until I had a ring. It didn’t make sense to me, but I had to accept that that’s how it was.

    Our engagement came out of a deal we made in the car one afternoon last summer. He needed a computer; I wanted a ring. The timing was right, and that’s all there was to it. 

    Post # 41
    Member
    1880 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    We did decide together when to get engaged. I would not have married someone who did not consider me as and treat me as an equal partner. He wanted to “officially” propose because he had a picture-perfect moment is his mind, but from the moment we decided, we told pretty much everyone, including our parents, that we were ring shopping and getting married in two years, so by two months later when the ring came in and he proposed, the only people who didn’t know about it were distant acquaintances. Since I didn’t know when the ring came in (we picked it out together and I was there when he paid so I knew the month it was expected in but not the exact day), the timing/location of the actual proposal was a surprise, but I knew it was going to happen for sure and I knew the month it would happen. And it was awesome. I think we got to have the best of both worlds.

    (I think it helps that I view engagement as a promise to marry, not as a social act involving a ring and planning a wedding, so the moment we were both like “Yes, I desire to marry you!” I was like, “Okay, engaged!” Fiance was a little freaked out for about thirty seconds before being like, “YES, EXCELLENT PLAN!”)

    Post # 42
    Member
    260 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 1999

    I started seeing my H2B when I was pretty young  and, in my eyes (in both of ours) weddings were so far removed from what we were doing and being it was not an issue. Key to me, above and beyond EVERYTHING was my education. He, thankfully, was similarly-minded. I knew girls who’d got with their boyfs at 17 like me, got engaged and everythign just fell apart.I knew I lovd him, more than I ever thought was possible, and that I wanted to be with him forever. I never liked the idea of marriage (I wanted kids, not marriage) until I was about 25 and we’d been together 8 or so years. I really didnt, and many people I know -even my closest friends – dont get that. I was happy with him, he has never ever hurt me, we have never risen our voices to each other, we were happy as we were.

     

    In addition, we were never in a POSITION for marriage up until recently, we were both getting degrees and not with any money. Now, I knwo some of you will see this as an excuse, i.e I could have got married at uni, I could have got married at second uni, I could have got married at third uni, yeah but I DIDNT want to. And neither did he. None of my friends got this. We were happy as we were.

     

    I never ever saw my engagement coming, but was so pleased and honoured and excited when it came. We had talked loosely about marriage in the past few years – but nothing – shall we get married. He knew I wanted it and I knew he wanted it, it was just a matter of when lol. We may have waited a bit longer but dad was seriously ill and we’d lost 3 grandparents etc in 10 weeks so it kinda gave him a bit of a ‘woah if we dont do this soon no one will be there to see it’. He is very traditional and particular and my ideas of a ring were completely different to his (revious discussions) and he wanted somethign which represented him, us and me and he did a better job than I would have ever done if I had have helped. We are planning, and it’s a diy wedding with as much of us in it as a UK wedding will ever allow (UK have quite stringent can and cannot rules) and we are happy as we are.

    In Medieval Englad, tpeople were married when they say so, when they sleep together and when they decide in their hearts. We decided in our hearts when we were unable to drink and unable to vote and that was discussion enoiugh for me. there was never any question of anythign other than we beign together forever – weather married or not. I waited a bit longer than some, prehaps, but the worst part was people constantly harrassing a proposal, people not understanding that we had other things on our pages to do first, and we endured years of blinkered people who felt we should have got engaged at 18 months, at 2 years, at 5 years, at 7…

    Every story is different, and I would call my self highly feminist and not some, as may be the feeling stimulated on particular discussions such as this, controlled and quashed girl who is engaged only because her boyfriend asked. Though I didn’t see or know about the ring before the proposal, we decided together. 11 years of stalwart love, understanding and commitment negated my ‘unchoice’. I am a strong woman, and he is a strong man and we are a strong couple. I loved my proposal, it was sweet, funny and unassuming and although we did not ‘decide to get engaged’ with our voices officially saying it out before a physical proposal ; our hearts, minds and souls had decided togther and independently along the way.

     

    I understand that other people want to do things differently and that, for some, not being involved in their proposal is maybe a form of machismatic control on behalf of the asker but for others it is not and they feel that they were part of their preproposal even if it was not explicit. We decided together even though the whole thing was a lovely suprise. It worked well for me, for him and for us and we are happy as we are as, I would assume, are people who wanted suprise proposals, who wanted apart of their proposal and those, like us, who did things a bit of a weird way round.

     

    Post # 43
    Member
    1019 posts
    Bumble bee

    I consider myself to be a waiting bee. DBF and I know we will get married one day, and in fact we even seem to have a similar timeline (we both want to be engaged within four years). Although our relationship is certainly marriage-worthy, we’re not in the right place in our lives right now for an engagement to make sense.

    However, I think a lot of it depends on how you define waiting. Are you waiting on a ring like most of the waiting board regulars? Or are you waiting in a more liberal sense, like DBF and I?

    Whenever we get engaged, it will be a little of both. DBF and I will mutually decide to take the next step, but the proposal itself will be all on him. 

    Post # 44
    Member
    82 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    @strawbs:  Hahaha YESS! 

    Post # 46
    Member
    1131 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    We did the whole thing together. I still wanted a proposal story though (just dinner even) 🙂

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