Post # 1
I’ve been with my fiancé now for 3 1/2 years (engaged 4 months), and I love him more than anything. He is kind, loving, gentle, affectionate, patient, smart, etc. I have a severe anxiety disorder that I have been getting help for ever since I was 11 years old, and which is, unfortunately, only getting worse. Because the relationship my fiancé and I share is the most important part of my life, this is what my anxiety clings to and focuses on. Because of this, I have always questioned my feelings for him. Over the years we have spent together, I have broken up with him tens of times after having an anxiety attack and convincing myself that I don’t love him. But I have never followed through with the split because the truth is that I don’t want to end our partnership. I love him, and I want to be with him. He has come to know and understand this pattern, and is always patient and understanding of it
After getting engaged, this pattern stopped for a month or so, as I began looking at him as my future husband. Unfortunately, however, as I begin planning our wedding, the questions have begun again. I get this overwhelming feeling of impending doom whenever I begin to look into the planning, and all of a sudden, I am convinced that I don’t want to be with him forever. I have always had a gut feeling that he is the guy for me, but suddenly that has changed too.
Is this normal? Has anyone experienced this? Not knowing if I should marry him is weighing heavily on me. Appreciate the help.
Post # 2
I think you need to speak with your therapist about this. They are much more qualified than a bunch of strangers from the internet.
FWIW, your FI sounds like a great guy! You two are lucky to have found each other :o)
Post # 3
mpizz : Do you see a therapist for your anxiety? Maybe these are some good questions to go over with him/her. It can be red flags that something is missing in the relationship or it can just be your anxiety which is causing this doubt. I would highly suggest clearing this up with a professional before you start planning the wedding as the stress of planning may make your anxiety worse.
Good luck bee!
Post # 4
As someone who struggles with anxiety as well. I think that when you are thinking clearly you should evaluate and possibly even write a pros and cons list. Once you have figured out that you want to stay with him, rewrite the list with ONLY the pros (the cons on the final list will make you focus on the bad instead of the good). Then when you get the impending doom feeling go back to that list and read it as many times as you need. Make the pros list as long as possible. Even inculding dates that were memorable or something sweet that he has done that really made you feel special/loved. If you have to take a picture of it with your phone so that you can reference it no matter where you are, DO IT! Also, seeking professional help is never a bad idea. Continue with that and don’t forget to mention to the person/people how you are feeling and consider that they say as well. Getting engaged and then married to someone that you love and who loves you back is a great thing. From what I have read on The Bee and also my own personal experiance it is stressful and that can exasperate the anxiety and dread feelings. Stay strong Bee!
Post # 5
I do see a therapist. He thinks that all of these feelings are due to my anxiety. For some reason, that doesn’t make me feel any better, though. These worries are stronger and more intrusive 😕
Post # 6
I know how you feel. I have also had anxiety my whole life. It started getting really bad just a few months after I met my now fiance. I decided to see a therapist. I questioned everything about my relationship. My therapist and everyone close in my life said it was all because of the anxiety. In those low times though it was hard to believe. So to answer your question, is this normal? Maybe not for the average person. But for a person with anxiety? I would say it is normal to question. Don’t give up though! I would have forever regretted giving up and listening to the anxiety. Listen to those around you. Hopefully your fiance is understanding of the anxiety. I wish you all the best!!
Post # 7
I keep suggesting this all over the boards because I loved it so much. Check out the book Hold Me Tight. The author talks about attachment and how our partnerships become our primary relationships and how fearful it can make us to feel any threat or worry about those relationships. It’s really informative and helpful.
Post # 8
mpizz : Is this normal? No, not for someone without an anxiety disorder.
You and I both have one and it is normal for us. However, its important that you continue doing what you’re doing and speaking to your therapist so he/she can distinguish between anxiety and red flags.
From what you said, your therapist thinks it’s your anxiety. I think your FI sounds like an amazing man and I hope you can overcome this and be happy. Wishing you the best! ❤
Post # 9
Coming from someone who has had anxiety in my relationship, and sought therapy for it, etc…just think about this – if you left him, where would you be? Would you feel less anxiety with someone else if they proposed? Or is this something you’re gonna have to work on no matter who you are with? I found that my anxiety was an issue within myself and I would worry over the same things with ANYONE. My fiance has stayed with me thorugh many episodes as yours has. So I did a lot of hard introspective work and I feel much more settled. It can take years.
But, just try to separate him from the anxiety for a second. Would you feel that tinge about getting married to anyone else? Or is it just him? What within your life causes anxiety aside from him or marriage or is it just that? Try to think of it that way. Best of luck!!