(Closed) questioning my relationship (long and need advice)

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

My Advice – listen to your gut. it may sound cliche but i truely believe when you find the right person “you just know”

I dated a guy for 3 years before my husband and i was really in love. i dreamt of a life togther – marriage, kids, etc…but we had our issues and looking back i knew it wouldnt last but i held on until he finally broke up with me. i met my husband a month later and our relationship was very different from the beginning. After a few months of dating i told my mom “im going to marry this man” and i did 🙂 and i had an ah ha moment – you really do “just know” when its right, it feels right, everything feels right and you dont doubt yourself or your relationship.

Listen to your gut – it tells you more than you think.

Post # 4
Member
130 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

When reading this, it seems to me like you have already made a decision… Just do what you think is best for you. Have you talked to your coworker about feelings and to your Fiance about him not being there for you emotionally? In My Humble Opinion I feel like this is one of those situations where you will always wonder “what if” if you marry someone who you doubt you love.

Post # 5
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I think you need to step away from any relationship right now. You’re developing feelings for your co-worker b/c he’s actually physically with you for most of the time while your Fiance is out of sight, out of mind. If you aren’t feeling it with your Fiance, you need to tell him and let him move on. And I suggest you take some time for yourself rather than jumping into another relationship. Find out what exactly you want and how to make yourself happy before jumping into something else.

Post # 6
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m so sorry your going through this. It’s time to take a break and re-evaluate your goals, his goals, how they interact and what is best for both of you.

It hurts to think about and its painful but its only temporary in comparison to a lifetime of a marriage to a person you can’t bare or a nasty divorce. Nip it in the butt early !

Post # 7
Member
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@emilynoel: I absolutely don’t want to sound condescending, but if you’re having doubts at 21 then you really have to take a step back and at least postpone the wedding. I wasn’t even close to being ready for marriage then. Marriage is hard at any age, but especially when you have so much growing and changing to do in your 20s. 

Post # 8
Member
13 posts
Newbee

The death of a man you love can make you feel all sorts of weird things about people, whether it was your father, brother, husband, etc.  I’m going through a death-related bout of relationship insecurity at the moment as well (totally different backstory but complicated as well). 

Since I like to be logical about things to the point of being cold hearted at times, I would say follow the advice of the people on here who suggested you break it off.  Putting myself in your shoes for a moment, I would be very unsatisfied with a Fiance who had no direction in life.  To me, that would be reason enough to break up.  I am a careerwoman with focus, with a constant ambition for self-improvement, and I expect the person I am with to be like minded.  You seem to be the same as me in that regard.  I jumped into the professional world very quickly after school.  Believe me, if you have a husband who is the perennial student, constantly jumping around to lame jobs, and will never develop the ambition to improve himself to become successful, you WILL end up resenting him.  He will feel like dead weight.  Harsh, but true.  Don’t be a fool when it comes to the rest of your life.

Also, be extremely cautious about the older man you currently have a crush on.  I’d stay away from that for now.

Post # 9
Member
3148 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

By reading this, it does sound like you’ve already made your choice.  But, I have to mention, if you do decide to break with your Fiance…. and lets say you try to make things work with your co-worker – just be prepared, it may not completely work out so there is a chance you can be single as well. Nothing is wrong with being single, I’m not saying that.  And you shouldn’t marry someone you don’t truly love, but I just want to point out some things as an outside view.  There are 3 choices here, not two.  Fi, Co-worker or no one. 

Post # 12
Member
1855 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Whether you start a relationship with coworker or not, you need to end the relationship with Fiance.  I wish I had had the foresight and courage you have for even contemplating such a move.  Instead, I am a 27 yr old divorcee with a kid who didn’t listen to her gut at 21.  With the kind of doubts you have, you’re not going to be happy in this marriage.  Coworker may be the one, and you can’t start a healthy relationship while you are still engaged to someone else.  I know I met “the one” while I was in the process of ending my marriage, and it was messy but necessary.  Good luck going forward, and don’t ignore your gut/heart/mind.  They are all telling you the same thing, it seems.  Listen.

Post # 13
Member
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@emilynoel:  Please don’t take this the wrong way but don’t you think you should’ve posted this under an alias?  I mean your avatar is a picture of the two of you.  How would you feel if he did this? 

 

(Im not implying that I don’t think you should’ve posted this, by the way.  I just think you might’ve considered a more… discreet? way of doing so)

Post # 14
Member
5993 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

i think not everyone is meant to be with someone forever – you meet people along your path to learn from and experience things and then move on. i wonder if your journey with your Fiance has reached its end and there is a lot about your Fiance that would have me staying up at night wondering if this is what i would want for the rest of my life

i am not saying run into another mans arms immediately but be honest with your Fiance, end things or tell him you need space to rethink your relationship and really ask yourself what do you want

dont get married if you have any doubts

Post # 16
Member
565 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@emilynoel:Sounds like you’ve already made a decision. And if you’re not attracted to Fiance and have feelings for someone else, there is nobody here that will tell you to stay. BUT- I would tread carefully about this other man , first off he is much much older than you, secondly you don’t need to jump into another relationship. You’re young , you have your whole life ahead of you.

 

(ps I am 21 too, and if I had any doubts about Fiance I would run also.)

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