Post # 1
I’m starting to question if I really want to marry Fiance. According to him, I am his world and dream girl. He is completely in love with me BUT I’m beginning to doubt that I’m in love with him. We have been in a LDR for 3 yrs and NY while I live in TN. He is Catholic which presents some problems because I am Pentecostal. He is 26 and a chronic student (thinks he needs to be in school for the rest of his life) but also has a job. He is in debt and doesn’t really know what he wants to do with his life. I will be 21 in approx 2 weeks and hold a full-time job and am a full-time student with a very clear and detailed life plan. Fiance and I never argue and in general get along well BUT when i visited last (approx 1 month ago) I felt like I was with my best friend but not the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. At the same time I find myself falling in love with my coworker who feels the same. Coworker and I spend 1/4+ of our lives together because our work schedule is very demanding. As I spend more time with coworker, I find myself thinking about him constantly and missing him more than Fiance. Coworker is almost 34, is divorced, has a 13 yr old daughter, and is a minister in a Baptist church. He makes me feel like I have never felt before and I don’t know what to do. Coworker reminds me (personality-wise) of my dad, who died in december, however, Fiance is the opposite. I was EXTREMELY close to my dad so I also question if my feelings are somehow related to the loss of him. Coworker has also helped me to get through some of the hardest nights with this loss and Fiance would not even come to the funeral or (emotionally) support me when this occurred. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Post # 3
My Advice – listen to your gut. it may sound cliche but i truely believe when you find the right person “you just know”
I dated a guy for 3 years before my husband and i was really in love. i dreamt of a life togther – marriage, kids, etc…but we had our issues and looking back i knew it wouldnt last but i held on until he finally broke up with me. i met my husband a month later and our relationship was very different from the beginning. After a few months of dating i told my mom “im going to marry this man” and i did 🙂 and i had an ah ha moment – you really do “just know” when its right, it feels right, everything feels right and you dont doubt yourself or your relationship.
Listen to your gut – it tells you more than you think.
Post # 4
When reading this, it seems to me like you have already made a decision… Just do what you think is best for you. Have you talked to your coworker about feelings and to your Fiance about him not being there for you emotionally? In My Humble Opinion I feel like this is one of those situations where you will always wonder “what if” if you marry someone who you doubt you love.
Post # 5
I think you need to step away from any relationship right now. You’re developing feelings for your co-worker b/c he’s actually physically with you for most of the time while your Fiance is out of sight, out of mind. If you aren’t feeling it with your Fiance, you need to tell him and let him move on. And I suggest you take some time for yourself rather than jumping into another relationship. Find out what exactly you want and how to make yourself happy before jumping into something else.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry your going through this. It’s time to take a break and re-evaluate your goals, his goals, how they interact and what is best for both of you.
It hurts to think about and its painful but its only temporary in comparison to a lifetime of a marriage to a person you can’t bare or a nasty divorce. Nip it in the butt early !
Post # 7
@emilynoel: I absolutely don’t want to sound condescending, but if you’re having doubts at 21 then you really have to take a step back and at least postpone the wedding. I wasn’t even close to being ready for marriage then. Marriage is hard at any age, but especially when you have so much growing and changing to do in your 20s.
Post # 8
The death of a man you love can make you feel all sorts of weird things about people, whether it was your father, brother, husband, etc. I’m going through a death-related bout of relationship insecurity at the moment as well (totally different backstory but complicated as well).
Since I like to be logical about things to the point of being cold hearted at times, I would say follow the advice of the people on here who suggested you break it off. Putting myself in your shoes for a moment, I would be very unsatisfied with a Fiance who had no direction in life. To me, that would be reason enough to break up. I am a careerwoman with focus, with a constant ambition for self-improvement, and I expect the person I am with to be like minded. You seem to be the same as me in that regard. I jumped into the professional world very quickly after school. Believe me, if you have a husband who is the perennial student, constantly jumping around to lame jobs, and will never develop the ambition to improve himself to become successful, you WILL end up resenting him. He will feel like dead weight. Harsh, but true. Don’t be a fool when it comes to the rest of your life.
Also, be extremely cautious about the older man you currently have a crush on. I’d stay away from that for now.
Post # 9
By reading this, it does sound like you’ve already made your choice. But, I have to mention, if you do decide to break with your Fiance…. and lets say you try to make things work with your co-worker – just be prepared, it may not completely work out so there is a chance you can be single as well. Nothing is wrong with being single, I’m not saying that. And you shouldn’t marry someone you don’t truly love, but I just want to point out some things as an outside view. There are 3 choices here, not two. Fi, Co-worker or no one.
Post # 11
@tinkerbee: coworker and I have talked about these feelings, he feels the same as I do. We’re both correctional officers at a prison so we literally do spend 1/4+ of our time together because there are 4 12 hr shifts for officers. Fiance and I have talked about him not being there and he doesn’t think it’s that big of a problem. He lost his father, who didn’t immigrate with him and his mother, when he was 19 but he wasn’t close to him at all. This leads me to believe that he doesn’t fully grasp the concept that I lost the person that I was closest to. My dad didn’t have to be my dad, he was my maternal grandfather who chose to raise me, along with his wife, as his own when my brother and I were going to be put into the foster care system when I was 3 weeks old.
Post # 12
Whether you start a relationship with coworker or not, you need to end the relationship with Fiance. I wish I had had the foresight and courage you have for even contemplating such a move. Instead, I am a 27 yr old divorcee with a kid who didn’t listen to her gut at 21. With the kind of doubts you have, you’re not going to be happy in this marriage. Coworker may be the one, and you can’t start a healthy relationship while you are still engaged to someone else. I know I met “the one” while I was in the process of ending my marriage, and it was messy but necessary. Good luck going forward, and don’t ignore your gut/heart/mind. They are all telling you the same thing, it seems. Listen.
Post # 13
@emilynoel: Please don’t take this the wrong way but don’t you think you should’ve posted this under an alias? I mean your avatar is a picture of the two of you. How would you feel if he did this?
(Im not implying that I don’t think you should’ve posted this, by the way. I just think you might’ve considered a more… discreet? way of doing so)
Post # 14
i think not everyone is meant to be with someone forever – you meet people along your path to learn from and experience things and then move on. i wonder if your journey with your Fiance has reached its end and there is a lot about your Fiance that would have me staying up at night wondering if this is what i would want for the rest of my life
i am not saying run into another mans arms immediately but be honest with your Fiance, end things or tell him you need space to rethink your relationship and really ask yourself what do you want
dont get married if you have any doubts
Post # 15
@KristenGotMarried: I’m ok with it because we will discuss it after I figure out how I feel and how to approach the subject with him. Also, he is never on here and neither is anyone else we know….. and I tend to be a very blunt person which is why I want opinions from people who can look at it from a perspective of not knowing either of us personally. It isn’t a subject that I can discuss with family members or friends.
Post # 16
@emilynoel:Sounds like you’ve already made a decision. And if you’re not attracted to Fiance and have feelings for someone else, there is nobody here that will tell you to stay. BUT- I would tread carefully about this other man , first off he is much much older than you, secondly you don’t need to jump into another relationship. You’re young , you have your whole life ahead of you.
(ps I am 21 too, and if I had any doubts about Fiance I would run also.)