Questioning my Relationship

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1759 posts
Buzzing bee

He gave you nothing for Valentine’s, after he already agreed the relationship needed work = He’s checked out of the relationship. I’m sorry but my advice is to save your effort and move on.

Post # 3
Member
10541 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Usually my friends that are in super passionate, whirlwind romance kind of relationships are in shitty relationships that fall apart the second the rose-colored glasses come off and they often use being a romantic as an excuse for ignoring red flags and continuing to date shitty guys.

So, no I don’t think there’s anything wrong with a relationship not starting out that way.

What concerns me is that as soon as you hit a stressful time, he wanted to call it quits.

My husband is also in a PhD program and his prelim exams (which determine if he gets to continue in the program) were in December. His stress level was through the roof. We probably didn’t have sex for a month because all he could focus on was that prelim exam. He was definitely not his usually kind and thoughtful self, not mean but just always kind of grumpy. Not for even one second did I think about leaving him. I knew (just like your boyfriend knew) that all of that was related to his exam, it was temporary, and it was one of those times that happen in relationships where I just needed to pick up the slack and be supportive. After his exams, he thanked me so much for putting up with him and everything went back to normal, including our sex life.

Your boyfriend on the other had couldn’t handle a couple months of a rough patch that sound clearly linked to a temporary external factor and I don’t think that’s a good sign.

Post # 4
Member
780 posts
Busy bee

Honestly the passion and the fireworks usually fade after time; it sounds like you have some depth and maturity in your relationship. The anecdote about your sister makes her seem codependent; you probably don’t want to compare your relationship to that. 

It’s good that you could talk over the troubles you’re having and that you’re working through them together. Again, that’s a sign of maturity and love. 

As for the Valentine’s gift-try not to hold it against him. I’m a big gift giver and my SO isn’t. I don’t let it bother me; people express love in different ways. 

Post # 5
Member
726 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I was married first in a whirlwind, super passionate romance. It was also a super passionate, violent decline and divorce. A wildfire burns out quickly. I am in one of those quiet relationships now – it is beautiful. We are trusting and happy, and I get that warm feeling when I look at him, and even without that amazing passionate spark, I couldn’t imagine raising a family with another man. I have no desire to be with anyone but him. 

But your relationship does have a few red flags. Did you decide in advance to not do anything for valentines day? We were in a tight spot last year because of purchasing my engagement ring, so we decided to not do valentines day. We went out to dinner instead. But that was decided in advance. The fact that you seem unable to talk things through before they become a major, breakup worthy issue is of more concern to me than the fact that he didn’t get you something for valentines day.

If you do stay together you need to figure out how to handle things in a healthier way. Sometimes not fighting is a bad thing. At least when you fight you figure things out that need to be figured out. Otherwise, it sounds to me like he’s just stewing. 

Post # 7
Member
10541 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

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fittinginthatdress :  Right, but he could have talked to you about the stress and passive-aggressive issue and it could have been worked on. One rough period and he said, let’s throw in the towel. That’s so much more concerning for the future.

And having babies usually involves some sexless periods. 

Post # 9
Member
11303 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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fittinginthatdress :  

Bee, you talked him out of breaking up with you.  You’re not going to be on a firm footing any time soon.  Maybe never.

You both have issues with communication and conflict resolution.  Definitely, you must knock off the passive aggressive crap—it’s poison.  But, I’m not getting what changes he’s willing to make other than not breaking up with you.

If his communication skills were any good, his attempt to dump you would not have been a bolt from the blue.

His sulkiness about not getting enough sex is juvenile.  He could have talked to you about all of these issues, rather than let things fester until he was ready to bail.

As for the mad love, you’re talking about infatuation.  By some miracle of exquisite timing, every now and then, a couple will form a bond strong enough to survive after the infatuation wears off.  Most times, infatuation leads you down roads you don’t want to be on.  After the catastrophic ending, you eventually look back and realize you had fallen insanely in love with someone you didn’t especially like and had nothing in common with.  That’s all you’re missing.

Post # 11
Member
11385 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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fittinginthatdress :  I’m sorry you’re going through this, it feels so crummy to be on shaky ground and not know where you stand. But PPs are right, he’s not in this with you all of the way.

sure, you could have done better with your stress and you will be stressed again. But guess what- his thing that this is life is right. Life with a partner is full of not getting what we want all of the time and dealing with stress. He shouldn’t have wanted to leave because of it. That’s the opposite of being in it together.

you feel crummy because now you’re walking on eggshells trying not to rock the boat. You shouldn’t feel that way. You should know your man has your back and loves you even when you’re far from perfect, because that’s where we live. 

 

Post # 12
Member
11385 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

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sassy411 :  ah I didn’t see your comment before I posted mine, and we said the same thing re solid footing. Yes! Sorry I repeated:-) 

agree totally re passive aggressiveness, that’s so difficult for a relationship of any kind.

Post # 13
Member
11303 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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BalletParker :  

Great minds and all that!

Post # 14
Member
906 posts
Busy bee

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fittinginthatdress :  my thoughts are you guys need to be more transparent in communicating what your likes and dislikes, wishes and desires are.

i PM-ed u just now for PhD support if u need it.

Hmm you both should know by now that PhD itself IS STRESSFUL, so it’s probably normal everything else becomes less important, blinded by the need to do well for the PhD. I’m going repeat in different words what I told u in my PM here… Your lives matter more than your PhDs. Don’t let PhD take over your life, but let it be a part of a wholesome life u have. My priority has always been my SO even while I do my PhD, though sometimes he has to take the backseat because the paper and the thesis need my attention asap. And sometimes, I have to take the backseat because my SO was writing fellowship proposal, or his papers. Our snuggling time when I was in my final 2 months of writing up was near zero. Our snuggling time when he was writing up his fellowship application was near zero. But we know we love each other more than we love our research…

Your bf is doing PhD, just as you do, so you guys need to take breaks and focus on each other. Just like every chapter written, every big experiment performed, do something for each other to celebrate the milestone.

Speak to each other. Because of PhD work, you need to be even more vocal to clarify your needs and work towards it together.

Hugs xx

Post # 15
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve been there w/a super passionate relationship, eventually his feelings for me burned out and I was left heartbroken.  Same as another poster, I am now in a quieter relationship and that is much better, I love him and he loves me, the love hasn’t burned out as it did in my 1st relationship.  The concern I would have though is him not making effort on that special day, yes we should be making an effort everyday, but he could have done something for you, even something small.  Observe his actions, if he makes a half effort, he doesn’t care about you.

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