(Closed) Questions to Ask Before Moving In

posted 4 years ago in Long Distance Relationships
Post # 2
Member
3434 posts
Sugar bee

Definitely talk about how are you going to divide/share the following: cooking, cleaning, laundry, shared bills, free time.

Also, discuss expectations about household guests such ss when and for how long.

Post # 3
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

Not so much questions, but I would really suggest reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. 

The book explains that there are 5 different ways a person can show, or feel love. 

1) Quality Time

2) Acts of service (I.e – making dinner for your partner)

3) Gift giving 

4) Words of affirmation (speaking encouragement to your partner etc)

5) Physical touch

So for example, if your love language was Acts Of Service then you’d probably be expecting your partner to help a lot around the house to show he loves you and supports you. But if your partners love language was gift giving, he may not care so much about housework and instead think that the occasional suprise gift is all that is needed to express how much he loves you. Meanwhile you’re there thinking “that’s a nice gift but it means nothing if you’re not going to show your love through your actions and help me around the damn house!”

By reading the book you can figure out what your love language is, figure out what your partners love language is, and then adapt your behaviour to ensure that when you feel love for your partner you can really express it in a way they will understand. 

 

  • This reply was modified 3 years, 7 months ago by  britishdaisy.
Post # 4
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I’m not a fan of moving in together before marriage (without religious beliefs even being a factor) so just know I do have that bias in case I sound negative. But I think from what I’ve seen and heard from this situation with other friends-I’d suggest remembering that this is your boyfriend and the end goal would be you spend the rest of your lives together, right?

So don’t think of this as a roommate audition 😉 yes chores and stuff matter-but you should be able to learn to talk about that stuff and just figure it out together. That’s part of a real relationship! Moving in with an SO isn’t roommate agreement type stuff – Other than making sure you both know what financial expectations there are. My personal opinion is you can argue over things like laundry and dishes and house guests forever. But that shouldn’t be what makes or breaks a relationship! It is worth asking what sort of expectations or specific things he’s looking forward to that are part of the excitement. If he starts listing only things like someone to help with bills and clean the house-eh, not a good sign. But you make it sound like he’s excited to just have you close and that’s a great thing! And you’ll learn a little more about how to make him happy if you learn some of those specifics he’s excited about! 

instead of a question for him, I would have one for you. Don’t overthink this and don’t dwell on it, of course, but do you have a backup plan too? Like make sure you have some savings and won’t be dependent on him for transportation. I dont expect this is true of you at all but I have had friends that find things are very different once they move across country for someone  else.  Be excited and happy to move in but somewhere along the way make sure this job and area really is what you want for yourself too- just in case, you know, he’s not your forever guy…

Post # 5
Member
1387 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

deedee2016: I agree with you on many of your points. Darling Husband and I did live together before marriage and we never talked about anything. It all just fell into place. 

liberi-fatali: To me, if you’re dating, you know their expectations and style of keeping house. Darling Husband and I did long distance before moving in together and we both already knew how the other was. We didn’t need to discuss any of it. We were already pretty close and had slept over so we were already aware of each others quirks. We pretty much handled issues as they came up and it was a super easy transition. We lived together a year before getting married – marriage was always our end goal. We talked about it even when we were still long distance. 

Post # 6
Member
21 posts
Newbee

I agree with keeping the balance between cohabitating and keeping relationship goals. Rather than get into little nitty gritty roommate-ish questions, I guess I’d focus more on HOW problems will be discussed and worked through rather than wasting time on too many specifics. Making time for each other, allowing each other room to breathe, showing affection, and working together as a team to get through any conflict and also just to handle the domestic responsibilities of living.

I also agree with those suggesting you thinking about whether this is for YOU and not just the relationship, but at the same time it does sound like it could be a good opportunity for a job.

britishdaisy – that sounds familiar, and I agree that showing love can REALLY vary. My ex would use flattery and did get me flowers a few times, but he didn’t clean often, didn’t hear me out, and always wanted things his way (like if we disagreed on a movie, somehow we’d always go with his preference). My boyfriend now and I are really in sync and understand each other’s behavior and meaning. It is WONDERFUL to have someone who just ‘gets’ that my fussing over them is out of much love and care, not trying to be obnoxious or controlling, and I know that when he refuses to text if he knows I’m driving is, albeit annoying to my little impatient self, out of love and concern which I really do appreciate.

Post # 7
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018 - Inn On Broadway

 

liberi-fatali:  I am also moving in with my LDR boyfriend at the end of this month. We’ve spent enough time together so we know each other’s personalities and habits already. We discussed briefly household work (I don’t mind doing the cleaning, dishes, and I can pick out the home decor lol, etc) and sharing bills. But more importantly we talked about how we would discuss problems. Also like other bees have mentioned, you guys should discuss what the end goal of the relationship is. For my bf and I our end goal is marriage. And also, find a job that you will love!! 

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