Post # 1
Went home to visit my family this weekend. Stayed at my sisters house since it’s a better location from where my parents live right now. When I was sitting around with my sister one night, she revealed to me that she feels like she should get married before me since she’s older and been with her boyfriend longer than me (11 years vs. 8 years). Now…I’ve been engaged for 9 months and this is the first I’ve heard of this dilemna/decision. Additionally, my sister and her BF are not engaged…she’s made up her mind, but I don’t get the impression that it’s a path he wants to take.
In all honesty, this conjurs up feelings of resentment from within. I wish it didn’t, but her decision just doesn’t feel right – it seems reactionary to my decision. My sister also said that if they do get married, they plan on eloping without involving anyone (because it’s just easier this way). This makes me feel even more resentful because it would mean a lot of me to be involved in this major part of her life! I like to think that I’ve done pretty well at involving my family in different aspects of the wedding planning because I realize that it’s important to all of them. It hasn’t always been easy (as I’m sure many of you can relate)!
I’ve been sworn to secrecy to anyone in my family – so there is no one to really share this with yet! I know that I’m being selfish – I think a certain amount is justified. I know that she is free to do whatever she wants and that my wedding is not the center of the universe. I just hope that she’s making an independent decision…and I also hope that she reconsiders including at least one or two special people if things do proceed.
Anyone have similar sister issues? We normally get along pretty well – but I have to say this one shocked me a bit.
Post # 3
Even if she gets engaged and they go off and elope before your wedding, you’ll still be the one with the big wedding, all eyes on you, family getting together and all. Her comment seems a bit petty – she should be happy for you and not see it as a competition. However, I do see how your wedding might put pressure on her relationship.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2013 - An amazing non-profit retreat
Whatever you do, don’t let it come between you. I watched my cousins become enemies over their wedding dates. Older cousin had her wedding all planned, younger cousin bumped her wedding up to a month before her sister’s. Their poor parents were wedding’d out, family had to choose between weddings (honestly, what students have the money to go to Vegas and then mexico?) Now they’re fighting about babies.
Post # 5
This competition crap is soo ridiculous! It is very annoying that so many people feel entitled to get married before their younger siblings. If she doesn’t have her shit together, doesn’t mean you should put your life on hold waiting for her to do so! What is the big deal??
Post # 6
The elopement thing is their deal and if that’s what they want to do then more power to them but telling you that she should be married first just because she’s older and been with her guy longer is total bullshit. I guess I could see if your relationship was new and you guys decided to get married quickly but 8 years is a long time! You shouldn’t have to wait for anyone. Obviously she and her boyfriend aren’t on the same page so before she goes and conjures up this fictitious elopement that would in turn delay your nuptials (in her mind atleast), he should probably propose first.
Post # 7
God, my sister pulled something similar. When I was talking about our wedding date, she announced that she’d decided to have a commitment ceremony… about two months before our wedding.
Now, she’s already HAD two weddings. One elopment and one ceremony with his family. Our entire side of the family wasn’t invited, because my sister didn’t want us there.
So now I’m supposed to wait for her to turn over the family wedding dress (heirloom lace that’s a century old) because she wants to wear it–again–while she reaffirms her commitment–again.
It’s BS. Try to stay cool about it if you can. Weddings make people crazy. But if it gets to the point where she’s really obviously competing with you, ask her if the two of you can do a session or two of therapy together, to help you both understand each other’s concerns.
Post # 8
Thanks for the advice bees! For me, it’s not so much about the timing of everything – I think I’ll be most hurt if I’m not included in her wedding. We travel together several times a year in addition to calling or texting every few days.
@kristophine – In the back of my mind, I do wonder if she wants my grandmother’s wedding ring. My mom told me after I got engaged that she would give it to me since I’ll be the first one married. Who knows what will happen now if they go through with things.
Post # 9
Did you talk about your own feelings and worries about this with her?
I think you’re right, your wedding is not the center of the universe and she is allowed to do whatever she wants with her life. However, does she know how much it would mean to you to be part of her wedding day? Does she know you’re worried she is just rushing into marriage because her younger sister is getting married? Maybe if she did know your concerns, it would change her outlook.
Also, she can feel whatever way she likes, but there is no “should”. There is no reason she “should” get married before you. Hopefully she can realize that her time will come, and not worry about rushing into it just because she feels like she should have been the one to walk down the aisle first.
Post # 10
Post like this make me mad. I just don’t understand this whole “placeholder” thing that family pulls , especially for engagments that haven’t even happend yet. If she and her BF can’t get it together, why the hell should your life be on hold. And for an elopement at that, please.
Post # 11
I believe most of her marriage ideas are because she wants to have kids (another thing her BF is undecided about). Maybe she wants to beat me to that also!
I did tell her that I really wanted to be a part of her celebration, but I’m guessing she’s trying to keep things simple so as not to overwhelm the undecided BF.
@bklynbridetobe: Sibling rivalry at it’s finest. My life is definitely on hold – but I just don’t get how my decision to get married would speed things up for her.
Post # 12
i had a pretty identical thing happen. My older sister and her boyfriend had been dating for 11 years when my boyfriend and I became engaged after dating for 5 years. When i called her, she squealed, got excited, and immediately declared she ‘could still beat me down the aisle’ and she did!
It never really bothered me, though. After relationships as long as both of ours, i figured weddings were inevitable. And on your wedding day itself, no one is thinking about her wedding beforehand. Plus, i was too thrilled at having an Brother-In-Law officially and how happy she was. And of course, now her focus is entirely on helping me plan my wedding rather than her own!
Post # 13
I’m getting that it wasn’t a “hey, just wanted to let you know I’m getting married before you/eloping and didn’t want you to be shocked/surprised/hear it from someone else because I love you” conversation, but more of a “I’m getting married before you/eloping because that’s what should happen first because I’m older. Period.”
I’m so sorry this happened. It’s unfortunate that your sister felt the need to share this with you now. It is as though she wants you to focus on her meeting her milestone before you. I understand her thinking life was going to turn out differently and that she’d marry first but clearly life has given her a different path, and you are not obligated to adhere to it, nor is she allowed to put you in such an awkward position. What exactly does she expect you to do about this? Wait for her to marry and when she finally does, then and only then you can marry? Nay to that! That she shared this with you does indeed seem reactionary. If she wants to marry, she should take up that conversation with her boyfriend — not you.
Have you told your sister you hope she reconsiders and involves you in her wedding as it would be an honor for you? Of course, she may still have a different vision and if so, that’s fine but it would be good to talk with her about it.