Racist father, Chinese boyfriend

posted 12 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1603 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2019 - City, State

This is hard. I know it’s easy for some people to cut off family for being racist, but I don’t think I would if I was faced with that choice either. I don’t think I’d be quiet about my disagreement with such attitudes, but I totally understand just wanting to not deal with it.

Definitely tell your boyfriend about your dad’s attitude. That’s not something to hide from your boyfriend, IMO. Sadly, it’s probably not the first time he’s encountered this either. It’s better he knows what he’s getting in to beforehand. And unfortunately, it might be time to address your father’s racism. I wouldn’t out and out tell him to knock it off, but I would tell him before he meets your boyfriend that he is Chinese and you don’t want any “colorful remarks” – you love this man and he makes you happier than anyone else has, and that’s all that should matter to him. 

Post # 3
Member
9720 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I would not keep this from your boyfriend. I would be 100% honest with him and then discuss how he would like to handle the situation.

Post # 5
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

You need to let your boyfriend know. He has the right to know what he is going to be up against, just in case something is brought up. If you two plan on getting married there shouldn’t be any secrets.

Post # 6
Member
1225 posts
Bumble bee

Tell your boyfriend so that he gets to decide if he wants to be so closely related/involved with a bigot.  Keeping it a secret from him would be deceitful, selfish and manipulative.  You have gotten the chance to decide that you want your racist father in your life and your boyfriend deserves the chance to make his own choice too.

Post # 7
Member
74 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2020

I agree that you definitely need to tell your boyfriend, especially since he’s wondering why you haven’t let them meet yet. Even if you don’t want to cut your father off, which is your choice, you do need to stand up for your boyfriend if your father makes any racist comments at or around him. If you’re both happy with being around him as long as he doesn’t make any comments, that’s fine, but I think your boyfriend deserves the choice as to whether or not he wants to be around someone who has racist attitudes. I think taking that choice away would be wrong and manipulative. What would you say to him if they meet and your dad does say something offensive? That you knew it was a possibility? I would feel pretty upset if my partner put me in that position without any warning  

Post # 8
Member
6228 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

So your father is racist AND he’s still close with a man who treated you poorly (something that is common enough knowledge that your shared kids know about it)? Your father sounds like a stellar guy.

Yes, absolutely tell your SO about him in advance. And also let your father know that your SO is Chinese and lay out specifics of what kind of behavior you expect. Your SO gets to set the parameters for how much or how little time he spends with your father. And you don’t get to push for anything different (just as would be the case if your father were a physically abusive person). And if anything ever happens EVER and your SO tells you, you need to believe him and take appropriate action.

Post # 9
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

You’re doing your guy a real disservice and frankly betraying your romance. I am a minority and am half of an interracial marriage. This is something you just don’t keep from your partner. He’ll know that your father is a racist after meeting him (trust me) and he will feel betrayed.  Just tell him the truth and tell your father in advance. That way everyone can jist learn to deal with it.

Post # 10
Member
977 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 1983

I don’t understand why you feel you can’t cut off your father, about whom you’ve told us two things, one eyebrow-raising and the other rotten.

Post # 11
Member
529 posts
Busy bee

I wouldn’t keep this from your boyfriend – i would be 100% honest & up front & tell him about your father in advance then discuss how he would like to handle this situation.

Post # 15
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

achicago :  Thank you for being willing to listen.

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